Fixing Myself Thinner

Just Plugging Along

2012-01-26T13:34:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I took the "half a pill" and I did find it helped. I still had stuff out of the candy bowl but only a few pieces instead of a lot. Today I've had one kiss and that's been it with no half a pill. So I think my thought pattern is changing for the better and I'm making progress at least for today.

So all the house cleaning/decluttering was for an appraisal because we had decided to roll our two small mortgages into one and cut a few years off the second one (like 13) but I have a feeling it's not going to happen. They are saying the "in-law apt" would make our house a 2 residence property which would create problems down the road for us so I think we are going to just leave it all alone. But I always think things happen for a reason so I'm finding the value in the whole process we've been through in the past few weeks as plenty of positives, one especially being the house looks really good and it feels great. Even the kids are loving having their rooms nice and clean and seem to be making the effort to keep everything nice.

At TOPS last night the scale was up more and I felt discouraged but my challenge is working for the rest of the folks and we had good loses by everyone and I still felt very happy to be there with my members talking and sharing. I just need to reach out more to everyone and take some help from others. I know what I preach to everyone else I don't always take my own advice.

Tonight I want to go to the gym but also wouldn't mind going to the grocery, guess I could manage doing both so I might do that. I definitely need to get some fruit and yogurt in the house since I'm all out of both totally.

Read an article today that talked about just enjoying all the things in life and loving our lives and our bodies just as we are today. I know I've talked that before but always seem to fall back into the obsess over things mode which of course does me no good. So I'm going to keep reminding myself about all the good things :)

Today I took lunch and went and ate down at Mike's work. We had had a testy phone call with each other this morning and I could tell we both were feeling stressed and upset over the whole refinance stuff. I think just sitting and talking about things over lunch helped us both feel so much better. In spite of it all I'm feeling calm and ok this afternoon.

I'm SOOOOOO happy tomorrow is Friday and I really have nothing on my agenda to do. It just feels really really good. I'm sure Mike and the kids are feeling the same way. Maybe we will go to a movie together on Saturday. I think that would do us all some good or maybe Marie and I can do a girls day or something if she would rather.

Well I better try to get some work done today. Here's to a good day for everyone.

Till next time...

Using the Tools We Have

2012-01-25T12:35:00.000-05:00

I keep coming and thinking about writing then never seem to manage it. So going to at least write a few words to let everyone know I'm hanging in here. The scale seems to keep creeping up instead of down. I seem to continue to eat from the dreaded candy bowl and make poor choices. But I also know it's all in my power to make better ones. So far the past few days, though to much food, at least I've made better choices.

I'm tired of my life being about food though. I had therapy yesterday and we had a good session and near the end he said "you look better this visit" and I knew he didn't mean those added 5 lbs since our last visit, I knew he meant emotionally. When I gave that thought I smiled at him and said "yea you're right, I am better" because since our last visit 3 weeks ago and then our visit 3 weeks before that this visit I was better, really way better.

Though I continue to use food, I do realize I'm healing myself emotionally. We talked about the fact that back in September I got a prescription for Xanax for the anxiety. I got 15 pills and today I still have 7. What that is telling me is I'm not using them for what they are meant for. I'm still using food instead.

Is food the lesser evil? Honestly I don't believe so. Do I fear addiction to pills? No, not at all. I know the type person I am, I barely will take an asprin and I know from my two surgeries last year that I got off the pain meds when I felt I no longer needed them (1 or 2 weeks). So, what that is saying is I need to think about taking a half a pill when I'm having anxiety instead of using food. I believe if I can start doing that then with time I won't need the pills either. When I have healed inside just like with my surgeries I will no longer need anything but myself. It's all a process, a process I need to get through.

In therapy yesterday I talked about Sean's book quite a bit too. How he doesn't seem to use or need food like he did for so many years of his life. I know I sounded envious when speaking about him. But Dr. N pointed out too that Sean didn't have the life I had, he isn't me. Well of course I knew that already but hearing him say that and hearing him repeat what I've overcome and accomplished in my own life made me realize yet again, this is my journey. I'm not Sean or Lori or Karen or any of the other great bloggers that I read and care about that seem to have the emotional side of things together. I am me, and my journey is my own and it's different than anyone else's.

I know one thing for sure. I am not my weight, be it 378 or 178. I am a good person, living my life the best I know how. I have to just use the tools I have to work through whatever issues I may be having in the moment. Food is not a tool, food is nourishment and I need to remind myself of that every time I want to use it as something other than what it's meant for. It doesn't mean I can't enjoy food because I will always do that. But I need to really enjoy it when that's the purpose I'm eating it for. Which means, 1 piece of something not 10 or 15.

Anyway, at the end of my session he asked "so you want to set up an appt or just call" and I said "I'll call". I know it won't be the last time I see Dr. N but for now I'm going to fly solo and see how it goes. I'm going to use the tools I have to see if I can learn to manage my emotions. I know I'm capable of anything I put my mind too. As Dr. N pointed out yesterday also I need to start looking in the mirror and telling myself all the things I tell others lol. I of course laughed at that because boy how right he is.

Till next time...

It's Friday!!!

2012-01-20T13:45:00.000-05:00

I'm glad it's Friday, even though this weekend is going to be all about cleaning house. The house just hasn't had a good clean in a long time so it's time. Plus the kids are growing like weeds and have out grown so many clothes that we need to just haul all that stuff off to the thrift store. Not to mention Mike and I have some clothing that needs to go as well. It will be a great feeling cleaning all the dressers and closets out and actually having the clothes we wear in them :) Though I'm not looking foreword to the cleaning I'm looking foreword to the end result.

So yesterday was a success with my CBNT (Calorie Bank and Trust) and I didn't even eat my burned calories like I said I could if I wanted to. I burned over 700 calories at the gym too so I'm looking for this week to be a good one. Today has been a good day too so far and I even went out to lunch. I've just been trying to make lower calorie choices and think before I eat. Of course this isn't nothing new for me. I'm just trying to put myself back in the losing weight mentality instead of the maintenance. Though they are very similar maintenance does allow for more food.

I'm having anxiety at the gym these days when I'm in the free weights area. It feels like when I first started lifting weights back in my bigger days. Now don't laugh, but I really think it's the new boobs. I just feel like I'm being looked at all the time. Maybe it's just that I'm more aware now then I use to be but it's still not a good feeling. I feel like I'm always adjusting my clothes and trying to cover myself with my arms lol. I know being the only female usually over there doesn't help either. There is a women's workout room at my gym but it's small and smelly and just doesn't have much in there so I really don't want to get to the point of feeling the need to workout in there. I sure hope I can get over this soon. I know I workout for myself so really I need to stop worrying about others. Something to work on.

I appreciated the comments on yesterdays post. I am working on that old stuff in therapy and will talk about what feelings came up while reading Sean's book next week with Dr. N. I do think I've worked through a lot of stuff but yes there is still stuff left to work on and I do know that the past does shadow me in the present. But I also realize I don't have to let it. I know I didn't deserve or cause the things that happened to me in my childhood and it doesn't have to be how I care for myself or others now. I will continue working on myself inside and out.

Not that long ago I did have a conversation with my mom that maybe helped her understand better but concerning my dad I don't know that I will ever talk about things because honestly I don't think he would ever admit to anything or would claim he didn't remember. As for my sisters, well I think they suffered more than I did since they were older so when it comes to them I do understand why they are how they are today. I do hope at sometime in the future maybe the fences can be mended with them somewhat as well as with my mom.

Well I better get back to work. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Till next time...

In My Head This Week

2012-01-19T15:25:00.001-05:00

I bought Sean's book "Transformation Road" and got my copy on Saturday (thanks Sean for the nice signing). I started reading it and I must admit it's been putting me in a place that is hard to look at. Reading his first few chapters about being bullied and his school days it just all hit me so hard. I've found myself eating over it the past several nights and of course I know that's not what Sean would want for me or anyone.

Sometimes we can't help looking back, we can't help reading something and having it trigger something deep inside or bring to the surface a memory we would like to forget. In my childhood was great abuse and neglect. As I read Sean's words I thought how lucky he was to have his mom and grandparents in his life. I kept thinking as I read how I don't know that I will ever be able to write a book because it would hurt a lot to recall everything and it would also hurt people that though I thought of them as my abusers they were also my family and I'm sure suffered their own abuse in their lives. I did too think of the things my mother did try to do to help me after we went to therapy together when I was about 14. She did give effort to mend some things between us and be a better mom. I do give her credit for that, she did make an effort though I'm sure from her own dysfunctional childhood she really wasn't capable of more than she gave.

Regardless of the past here I am today with a loving family of my own and honestly that's all that should matter to me. Working on loving and caring for them the best that I know how. To stop letting the past control so much of me today because honestly it's all meaningless. I mean the past has made me who I am today but it doesn't need to control me. Food sure doesn't need to control me either. I know I am the one in charge to make the choices each day. It needs to be about doing the best for myself each and every step of the way.

As for where I am weight wise, I'm at 186 lbs. That is 13 lbs higher than my lowest which I was at last year around this time. I want to see the low 170's again and I know it's really not that far away if I just work for it. I read Sarah's blog today and one of her recent posts hit home for me that even after 4 1/2 yrs I still am not at peace with food. That is what I want and have strived for all along. I've talked it till I'm blue in the face yet I continue to let food have power. I'm back to tracking my calories when I know that's not what I want long term. But I also know it's what's needed right now to have the weight come off. I have to be accountable to myself and stop being in denial. So it is back to my rules and the basics because I will see the 170's again and not so far in the future. It's all in my hands.

For this week, I will have my "Calorie Bank and Trust" as Sean calls it and I will have my "Steel Curtain Zone" also and I will be faithful to that. I will do what it takes because as Sarah put it, 13 lbs is nothing compared to 200. It really is as simple as that too. It's a head game I'm tired of playing and so I will just make it about following the rules which I've always been good at :)

I do like myself today and as I've told so many people that I've crossed paths with "You aren't your weight" and I know that to be 100% true. So I'm going to stop being in my head and start just living each day to the fullest.

Till next time...

My Body Image

2012-01-17T12:29:00.000-05:00

Ok first I'm going to say this post is about me and my own body image issues and really more for the women. Not that men don't have body image issues too but being a woman I can't really know or understand totally what men go through with this other than what I know from Mike.
But that's a title we all probably have something to say about. I know for myself it's been an issue for most of my life. I thought I had talked about this last week but as I see I didn't. I've been missing writing here yet I can't seem to get my mind together enough to manage a post more often. I know part of it is that I've just been busier at work and I've yet to make the time in the evening. I need to do that because writing here does help me.

Weekend before this one I met my best friend half way and we went to lunch and then went shopping. Mike had given me a gift card for Christmas and told me to go to Victoria Secrets. Now if I've never mentioned it, I've never been there. I never fit there and in my mind it just seemed to be for the beautiful bodies. But when we entered I found all shapes and sizes of people in the store. My girlfriend was the perfect shopper and I swear I felt like I had my own stylist lol. She had me measured since I still wasn't sure what my new bra size was. Come to find out I've been buying bras to small so no wonder I couldn't find a bra that fit me right since my surgery.

So before I knew it I had a box of bras to try on, I bet I tried on 20 different bras lol. We were in the store for hours, literally we went in during the day time and came out after it was dark lol. In our 35 yrs of friendship we had never been shopping together (other than maybe when were like 12 lol) so it was super cool to be sharing this with her. We ended up in the same dressing room. In all these years I've never really let her see my body (did show her the loose skin once) but I really did want to hear what she had to say. So I stripped down and showed her all the scars and everything. All the things she said helped me more than I can ever thank her.

In just those hours of shopping she helped me to realize that we all have imperfections. Of course I already knew that but as I tried to see myself through her eyes I realized I didn't look half bad. Of course Mike has told me I'm beautiful a million times but comments coming from her just changed everything for me. The rest of our time shopping I actually could see in the mirror a body that has worked hard and been through a lot but has come out looking not so terrible.

I ended up spending a small fortune in VS but I went home feeling like a million bucks. I went home with a new sense of myself and each day since then when I've looked in the mirror I've found myself saying good things to myself. Funny how that works when we have those ah ha moments that have seemed to take us a lifetime to get to.

It was a great day with my friend too. It was a day we had never had before in our 35 yrs of friendship, a day of two regular women shopping together. I don't think she will ever realize what she did for me but she has helped so much in changing my mind about myself and I'll be forever grateful (there's that word again *smile*).

Something I'd like to say to the people that have body image issues is start looking in that mirror and seeing the good stuff. See the parts you've worked hard to fix and do something for yourself to flatter those parts. I can tell you buying sexy bras and underwear did me a world of good lol. If you're in granny panties everyday I think it's time you went to VS or Torrid or some place you can buy yourself something sexy and start feeling sexy. Don't just wear the sexies for the hubby either wear them for yourself.

I also got my pictures from the plastic surgeon's office about a week ago and I'm in the process of making another blog that will just be about my plastic surgery. It will be private and if anyone (women only) is interested just comment or email me with your email address and I will add you when I'm finished. Now if you all know me you know how long some things take me lol. So please don't think I will have it together by tomorrow lol. Right now I have a few arm pictures and that's about it on there. I just want it to really talk about things because I just don't think most grasp what it's like for someone that has lost 200 lbs. The loose skin is a major concern for most in my situation and most don't have the financial means to even consider surgery or just aren't willing to spend that kind of money or go through the pain. Plus you just don't come out like people think. It's a process that can take 2, 3 or more surgeries to even get to a point of feeling ok about it all. There's so many emotions too that surround it that I have talked about here during the past year after having 2 major cosmetic surgeries. It's not something to take lightly. I really look forward to getting my pictures posted and also talking openly about everything there with folks that have had stuff done or are considering it and have questions.

Anyway, I better get back to work.

Till next time...

Friday Again

2012-01-13T10:05:00.000-05:00

Well it's Friday again already. I've been slacking in the blogging area but it just doesn't seem to fit in like it use to. I need to make time at night. I've been reading people's blogs ok but just don't comment or write here like I was. I miss it and everyone very much and really need to figure out a way to fit it back in.

Things are going fine for me. I'm eating better, tracking my food and getting in 3-4 workouts a week. My weight seems to be staying around 183-184 though which I'm not happy about, would definitely like it to drift down at least 5 lbs. I am lifting heavier weights the past week or so though so that could be part of it. Seems the heavier weights make my weight go up and down pretty drastically. I just want to get back into leeway (183 or below) though and stay there. I know I will it will just be a matter of when.

The new challenge with my TOPS group seems to be working great. We lost 18.75 lbs this week as a group and that's pretty darn good I think. Everyone seems to be motivated again and having it be teams (4 teams of 3) people want to do well for each other. Funny how we don't always do well for ourselves but we don't want to let others down. Whatever works though I'm happy for.

Went to the gym last night. It just seems like it's gotten so crowded and I don't see as many familiar faces and my anxiety acts up. I hate that about myself that I can't seem to just go in there and own the place :) I have been there 3 1/2 yrs you would think by now I would feel ok in any situation but to many muscle men and I still feel out of my element lol.

I'm eating to much at night again. I have to really work on that. My sleeping stinks lately too. I need to get back to the basics for myself and start following some of my old rules. I will work on that this week. Going to commit here to only a small healthy snack after dinner (no more than 200 calories), go to bed no later than midnight even if I can't sleep. Only play on the ipad no more than a hour after I do go to bed. Stay out of the candy bowl at work. Think working out I have covered and don't need to work on that part of things. It really is sleep and food right now.

I guess Nick is doing ok, he's staying in his mess of a room far too much for my liking but I'm not sure how to get him out of it without him feeling we are picking at him. Tomorrow Marie has a basketball game and then her and I are going up the road for a Birthday party so Mike and Nick will have the day together. I'm hoping Mike can get him out of the house and they can do something together. They have therapy next week so we will see if it goes better than last time.

The other day I came on here and titled my post "what makes a difference". I thought I had something good to say but then never managed to even write one word lol. But when I read that statement what comes to mind is consistency and accountability. I think both are what will get you to where you want to be and what will keep you there. I know for myself if I didn't have my weekly weigh-in I would fall into some denial and allow the scale to creep up. Not that everyone needs a TOPS meeting but I do believe if you are blogging putting your weight down here is a good thing. I think showing everyone just how you are doing number wise is important if you want to not be in denial. It's far to easy to convince ourselves those extra 5 lbs don't matter till we realize 5 has turned into 25. I know for myself I try to write down my weight at least once a week here (well haven't been around as much lately but usually). I think having all of you see that number on a regular basis is what helps keep me pushing to do better.

For me this is about maintenance but honestly nothing has changed other than I give myself permission to eat poorly more often. Other than that I'm still working out consistently and I'm still planning my food weekly. If I wasn't consistent in my habits the scale would creep up more for sure.

Well I need to get some work done here. It's been busy and I've been slacking more than I should. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Marie is here at work with me today but she's been so quiet I barely know she's here.

Till next time...

Friday!

2012-01-06T15:36:00.000-05:00

Today is the 6th of January already. I'm feeling pretty good emotionally. I went to see Dr. N yesterday, it had been about a month or so since my last visit with him. It was good to see him as always even though I cried a bit. We talked about Kevin quite a bit and his father passing and also about my extended family in general.

Not sure I've mentioned it but my dad is homeless these past 3 or so weeks living in his truck by his own decision. He had been living with my sister (Kevin's mom) the past 3 or so years and I guess they had a fight and he chose to leave and she told him if he did he wasn't coming back. He could also go get help finding a place but my dad and his love affair with alcohol is more important to him than a roof over his head I believe. But then I'm just guessing since I haven't talked to my dad in probably 2 yrs now. I won't go into things but I don't have plans of helping my father. I think at some point in his life he will have to eventually realize that he has to take accountability for where he is in life and stop blaming others. But then at 75 yrs old I'm guessing he probably won't ever do that.

What I got out of therapy today though was that though I still struggle at times with things in my life and people in my life I still push myself to do the right thing and be the person I want to be. Even if no one else around me makes that effort I can know that I am still trying to be healthier mentally and physically. I may fall down sometimes but I always get back up and face things head on and move towards what I want.

Something Dr. N said to me that really hit home was he thinks I'm allergic to discomfort lol. How true is that for me, boy, oh boy. I'm talking emotional discomfort of course. But he also pointed out to me how so often I choose to face that discomfort more times than not instead of running from it. He said far more people tend to run away from it. I on the other hand can't stand to have things unsettled so I want to try to fix things. Of course that isn't always possible especially when you are dealing with other people. But at least I make the effort :) It felt good to realize that about myself.

So TOPS was Wednesday night. My weight was up like 5 lbs from last week. I won't make excuses for myself but I don't believe that is all real weight and I will just buckle down this week and see what happens next week. I put together a challenge for my group and I'm hopeful we will get to work and lose some weight over the next 6 weeks together. I'm back to tracking my food and though my days aren't looking the best at least I'm making myself be aware.

I've not been sleeping well and it's TTOM so I'm just feeling really worn down. I didn't get to the gym last night and for me that's rare to find myself talking myself out of going. I would like to go tonight but again I'm feeling exhausted so I just don't know. I'm thinking maybe I will leave work a bit early, take a nice nap and then go to the gym. Need to fit some kid time in there too as I feel Nick and Marie both could use some mom time.

Nick is really struggling these days. Him and Mike had therapy yesterday too and it didn't go the best. Nick has been feeling very angry and says nothing makes him happy anymore. The therapist is going to give him a test next visit to see if he's depressed and we will go from there. I did talk to him last night and I feel somewhat better that it's not so serious I need to worry about his well being but I remember myself at 14 so if he takes after me I do have worries. But we are doing what we can and hopefully with time he will get to feeling better.

Anyway, I'm hanging in here, glad it's Friday and ready for a nice weekend. Hope everyone else has a nice weekend too.

Till next time...

Finding The Balance and my forever word

2012-01-03T10:02:00.002-05:00

Yesterday wasn't the best day with food. I got to work and there was a big spread here. I guess from having the week off too I felt anxiety about work stuff and starting a new project. So I ended up eating more than I intended and stuff I didn't intend. I had high hopes of good eating all day which didn't work out like I planned. But after work Mike and I did go to the gym and I did a hour on the elliptical and burned about 700 calories so I was happy about that at least.

Today is a new day and I'm going to track my calories like I was doing before the holidays. I definitely know that was helping and had helped me drop those 5 lbs that have found their way back on my butt lol. I want to get and stay in my TOPS leeway and stop this jumping up and down 5 lbs. It would be nice to have a steady trend down and eventually be able to use my new goal slip I've been carrying around for almost 2 yrs now. I am content enough at 180 but 170 does sound better to me.

I know I have to give a lot of thought to maintaining 170 too which I have never done since the lowest weight I've been at is 173. Is it what I really want and is it doable long term for ME? I mean sure for others it might not be a big deal but for me this is about life long. I have seen far to many people shoot for a weight that is not maintainable for THEM and then reach it only to find themselves going back up the scale.

The end of December marked 2 yrs at 180 for me. I have bounced around that number up or down 5 lbs these past 2 yrs but it seems to be the average of where I stay. I've come to realize I'm content enough and this is maintainable. Mike and I had a talk the other night about this, about what is needed to maintain. Even for him he knows what he needs to do to maintain around 300. For some that number might seem huge but to him who saw 412 at one point keeping off 100 lbs the past 15 months has been an accomplishment for him. I am proud of him and I'm glad that he's done his weight loss HIS way because it means it will be lasting. We each have to do things the way that works best for each of us. Sure people can tell us what works for them but the bottom line is we have to live our own lives.

If I've learned nothing else in these past 4 1/2 yrs is that I can tell people how I lost my weight but it doesn't mean they are willing to do it for themselves. It really does have to be when they are ready. I've found I can help motivate them for a short period of time but the real life changing motivation has to come from within themselves. I wish I had that magic motivation pill to give to everyone including myself at times but of course I know there is no such thing. The magic has to be me appreciating all I've accomplished in the past 4 1/2 yrs and having that lead to year after year because I am happy and content with myself.

I think looking back is key for me too. Seeing the me I use to be and realizing that she really is gone. That Dawn no longer exists. Often I fall into a funk and think she's still there but even on my darkest day that Dawn is no longer here. That was the Dawn that didn't know she could accomplish anything she put her mind to. In the past 4 1/2 yrs if I've learned nothing else that is the most important thing I did learn. The one thing that will carry me through my life to continue to help me grow into whatever I want to be. I really do hold the power, the power to be the ME I want to be.

When I woke at 4am this morning and read some blogs the big thing that stood out to me in almost every single one was gratitude. When I read Dana's about being locked in the room with her grand kids and the wonderful joy they gave her on Christmas morning, a day that didn't always hold good memories for her. Then reading Karen's blog about her word of the year being "Practice" and how we don't "get it" all at once and how we have to keep "getting it" day after day, we have to "practice". Practice at being the best ME I can be.

All that reading and thinking made me think that my word needs to be "gratitude" today and tomorrow and every single day of my life. I am grateful for everything in my life, the good and the bad. It has helped make me the person I am.

So today be grateful because even if things aren't all peaches and cream there sure are still things we can all be grateful for and remembering those things are what will help us find our happiness.

Till next time...

The New Year

2012-01-02T10:00:00.001-05:00

Wow, we are already into the new year, where have I been? I'm so far behind with my blogging. Work has just been busy and I haven't had the time here to post and I don't seem to take the time in the evenings. I don't even know last what I was talking about. So I will just start with today and try to work backwards.

My Christmas and New Year was nice. I had the week off between and it was a pretty relaxing time for me and the kids. Mike had to work but got to come home early a few days so I think it was a fairly easy week for him too. Nick and Marie loved their Kindle Fires and Kevin liked his GPS.

Kevin arrived home the Tuesday before Christmas, but not to the best news. His biological father was in the hospital so him and I ended up driving to West Virginia the next day (5 hours each way). The whole day was pretty depressing and not the way either of us wanted to spend it but we felt it was the right thing to do. Kevin's older half brother (he has 2, I think in their mid to late 20's) had contacted him to say that their dad had terminal Cancer and was in the hospital not doing well and that he wanted to talk to Kevin and Matt. Why he didn't try to reach Kevin weeks ago I'm not sure. It's pretty clear he's known he wasn't doing well for some time.

I didn't realize the gravity of the situation and I guess Kevin really didn't either. Evidently his father had a heart attack the day before and died and they brought him back so basically just the machines were keeping him alive. Then the 2 half brothers left like a hour before we arrived (something with the babysitter) but I just felt they should have waited for Kevin to get there since they hadn't seen him but once when he was a little boy. So it was just Kevin and I arriving and the nurse talking to us about his father, a man neither of us knew. He hadn't seen his father since he was like 5 or 6 and his only memory was of being hit with a belt and stood in the corner for hours so seeing his father there in the bed with all the tubes and wires I'm sure was a shock. I did ask if Kevin could have a few minutes alone in the room with his father so we all left. We were at the hospital maybe a total of 20 mins and then it was back on the road for another 5+ hours.

I felt like crying but I never did and neither did Kevin. We didn't talk much on the way home and I just kept thinking how I wished his father had made more of an effort for him. My sister too for that matter. How it just seemed like they both abandoned him all these years. I know he has Mike and I but of course it's not the same as your real parents. Anyway, it was a sad day.

Christmas morning they turned off the machines and his father passed away. He was buried Thursday but Kevin said he wasn't driving back to go so we didn't. Kevin ended up spending most of his time home at his friend's house. I know he was just trying to cope with it all but I felt kind of hurt especially since he didn't even buy me a Christmas gift. He did go out after Christmas and get me something but it just felt like he was checked out from us during his visit. He heads back to South Carolina today so I said my good byes this morning.

Ok onto brighter things, the kitties are doing well. Smudges just adores Crystal, treats her like a momma and they sleep together often and play together a lot. Smudges is warming back up to me and comes and sleeps in my lap sometimes so I'm liking that. He's crazy when you have food and has the sweetest little cry that you can't help but feed him lol. He actually sits up on his hind legs and begs like a dog. Crystal is still as crazy as ever and has climbed up in the Christmas tree like 3 or 4 times now lol. Thankfully she hasn't broken anything yet. Sassy is still the same sweet kitty she's always been though I guess feels neglected at times because of the other two. All 3 kitties love sitting with Mike in his chair and often all 3 are with him at the same time :) I need to take a picture of them sometimes. I think it's in part they just love his blanky he covers up with :)

I finally got my new smart phone and it only took almost a week to activate lol. I swear I was about ready to send it back. The texting still isn't working so I still might be sending it back. It seems ridiculous to me that it's taking so long for them to sort it out. I guess I will have to call again today about it. I've been on the phone with them for hours it seems in the past 2 weeks.
Had my TOPS Christmas party, company Christmas party, Mike's Christmas party and a madrigal dinner all in just a few days not to mention then Christmas and New Years and more eating. It was a total food fest but I managed to get through it with little damage to the scale. My weight has been around 182-185 so I'm ok with that. I've gotten to the gym 2-3 times a week, with so much going on I don't think that's to bad. I definitely have some work to do so I can get back in leeway (was 183.6 on Wednesday at TOPS) and back in the 170's.
Well I always say things work out like they're suppose to. An older couple came a few weeks ago to look at the cottage and the woman is taking the place. They've been together 32 yrs but it's clear she's had enough of him and is ready to be on her own. I think she will stay for years to come so I'm happy about that. She came and signed the lease Wednesday. I'm really glad the young couple I was going to give it to didn't take it. They really wanted a 2 bedroom anyway so it all worked out like it was suppose to. I really like the lady a lot and I can see us becoming friends.

We went and saw Kevin's sister on Thursday. We picked my mom up and she went with us. The baby is getting so big and she's very cute. She's still unsure of us all but enjoys Marie a lot. I hope this year we will get to see her more often since they are right in Baltimore now. I had plans to see my oldest sister (not Kevin's mom) but she canceled saying she was to tired. Her father-in-law is dying of Cancer and I could just tell she wasn't up for company. She called me yesterday though and talked a long time so maybe we will start talking on the phone more often. I do hope we can have a relationship again.

I talked to my best friend on Christmas day and that was nice. I thought about going to see her too but I just think we might need more time. I will call her this week and see if she wants to see me and if so maybe I will make plans to go see her and my sister sometime this month. I'm just going to play it all by ear. I'm feeling ok about everything and they seem to too so that's the important part.

I feel bad I've been away so long but I just haven't had the time I use to at work and until I can figure out a good routine for myself my posts might be hit and miss. I have been trying to read everyone's blogs but not commenting much either. Hopefully I will find a balance for myself over the next few weeks. I do miss blogging and everyone here. Thanks for reaching out to me I do appreciate each of you.

Here's to a great new year for all of us.

Till next time...

A Short One

2011-12-15T14:12:00.000-05:00

I've started a post like 4 times now and never seem to get very far with it. I'm doing ok, actually better than I was for sure. It's just been super busy at work and I haven't been able to post lately. I miss everyone and miss posting. Hopefully I will get a post up by the weekend :) Been reading some and looks like everyone is hanging in there :)

Till next time...

Tuesday

2011-12-06T12:25:00.000-05:00

Yea, my titles aren't to inventive lately lol. It is Tuesday though and I am here posting. Trying to post more as I think it helps me. I should post though when I'm headed for the candy bowl instead of after the fact. Yesterday I ended up digging through it for the twix minis, ended up with 4. I will be strong today and since I'm posting I will promise I will not let any chocolate pass my lips today.

I think my anxiety yesterday was a few things, calling the PS for an appt and having to talk to the financial lady, I just don't care for her. She was nice enough but asked "did the doctor ask you to come back at 6 months" and I told her that he wanted me to come back for pictures. Anyway, I just felt there wasn't a need for her to question me.  Then the newspaper thing had me worked up too. I'm not sure why when good things happen they get me all flustered and full of anxiety, it really makes no sense.

After work last night I went home and made some whole wheat spaghetti for dinner and then made a big pot of my chicken/bean/veggie (throw together) soup. Last time I made it I did it in the crockpot and I just wasn't happy with it, seemed my beans didn't cook well and it just didn't taste right to me and Mike wouldn't eat it which was the big sign it wasn't very good lol. I am on the second to last bowl of it though so will finish it regardless. The new pot tastes tons better and I've put plenty of it in the freezer for the next few weeks. I'm on my last few protein bars but I think they will get me through the week if Mike doesn't decide to eat some. I have a ton of bananas so will make the banana/peanut butter ones come the weekend. The pumpkin ones are lower calorie but Mike prefers the banana ones.

We need to get our tree up this weekend. Still not sure where we are going to put it. It will probably mean I don't have an end table next to where I sit through the holidays which will not be nice. But we all agreed we want the tree in the livingroom not diningroom so will do what we have to to make it work. I keep picturing Crystal taking a flying leap off the furniture onto the tree lol she is a crazy kitty. I know I still need to post a picture of the new little guy too.

Went to the gym last night and Mike went with me, he's been going about once a week. He doesn't like going as late as me but like last night we went at 7:30 and the place was so packed we couldn't hardly get 2 treadmills, crazy how busy that place is now. It's because it's the only 24 hr gym in the area and that really does mean something to people, I know I'm very thankful I can go anytime I want.

Well I dyed my hair last night for the first time. It's a bit darker than my normal color, should have listened to Marie and got the #30 instead of #40, I know for next time now. It was a lot easier than I thought it would be. So all my gray is gone now which is nice. I can put my hair in a ponytail again and not feel old :)

Today Nick and Mike go to therapy, hope that goes well for them. In the past Nick always came out of therapy feeling better so hopefully they both will. I think it's good Nick felt comfortable enough to speak up and say he wanted to go and he wanted to take Mike with him, I know that was a big step for him. As for the video playing well when nick had his outburst he also decided he was done playing xbox for awhile so he hasn't really played it at all since then. It is good he can see things in himself he wants to change, maybe something has rubbed off on him :)

I feel calm today so hopefully it will be a peaceful day with food. I've had a headache since yesterday though not sure what that's about. Haven't taken anything for it though will have to see if my coworker has something.

I'm thinking about getting a new smart phone. I've been in the stone age forever with my tracfone but I'm cheap plus I've never wanted to be tied to my phone like so many people I see. I know I have an addictive personality and I like how now it's my choice when I get online not when I hear a ping from a phone lol. Anyway, I'm still thinking on it for now.

Still no renter and no decent prospects. Seems around Christmas people stop calling about it. We might have missed our window and will now have to wait till the new year. Such is life, we are managing ok so far. We still have a few little things to do over there but nothing people would really notice.

Guess that's about it for news here. Plan on going to the gym tonight. Marie has basketball practice too so will probably go later.

Till next time...

Another Monday

2011-12-05T14:51:00.000-05:00

Bossman is back in the office today after 2 weeks gone. I have little work but know he has tons to catch up on so I'm trying to be patient and give him till tomorrow to ask for something to do. Hopefully by then he'll be a little less stressed.

I had a good weekend though ate more than I should Friday and Saturday. Marie sang at the local firehouse on Friday so we decided to go to the pizza social at her school beforehand so that meant spaghetti and pizza. I managed to get through dinner with not to much damage but I find when I'm not eating home the sodium is what kills me most. At the firehouse there was Santa and a gazillion cookies. I always feel so weak in that kind of setting. I didn't do to great, ended up consuming about 600 calories in cookies over the 3 hours we were there.

I was determined though to go to the gym so ended up going at like 9:30 that night. I was so worn out though (probably from all the sugar) that I only managed 45 mins of exercise but I guess that was better than nothing. Saturday wasn't much better with food though I stayed clear of the sweets. Got the grocery shopping done and some other shopping but really didn't do much, never made it to the gym either.

Sunday was Marie's first basketball game. I thought she did just fine for her first game. She's the youngest person on her team so she didn't get much court time but the few minutes she did get I thought she did ok, caught and passed a rebound ball so that was good. Her team plays well together and though they didn't win I thought they played a good game. Score ended up 16 to 12. I'm hoping this week they will win. The game this week is even further up the road and earlier so will mean an early Sunday for us.
Mike made Nick get up and go with us yesterday to Marie's game and all he did was complain. It has become the norm that Nick doesn't want to go out of the house and often we just let him stay home. But Mike wanted him to go but I felt bad that Marie's first game had to be shadowed by Nick and Mike's discontent with each other. I'm hoping their therapy session tomorrow is going to help things. I know it will take more than just one session but it's a good start at least. I know when Nick was going last time it really helped him be more positive about things.

As for me, I'm feeling pretty good the past several days. The scale was at 180 this morning, not the number I hoped to see (was hoping to be back in the 170's) but I know I will get back there soon enough if I just keep plugging away with eating well and getting in my workouts. I went to the gym last night and did 40 mins of cardio and 40 mins of weight lifting. At one point I was the only one in the whole gym, the weekends are usually good days to go. Tonight will be packed but my plan is to go late so maybe it won't be to bad.

I called and made an appt with the plastic surgeon so he can do follow up pictures. I really would like to have the pictures I know he wants to take anyway. I was looking at my last set of pictures and it is pretty amazing the changes that have taken place. It's not what I think most people think of as successful plastic surgery but to me I think it has been ok. I think as I've said before my surgeon plays on the side of caution so doesn't go as tight as others might have. I also plan on having them give me some quotes for all the things left not just right. Not that I plan to get more surgery but it's always nice to dream. He said I could always come back anytime and it would just be revision costs so who's to say some day I don't strike it rich and can go back. Honestly though I feel done with PS as surgery isn't anything to take lightly.

Got an email from my best friend this weekend. It was a good email and I sent one back. I can tell we both miss each other but also know keeping our distance is the best plan right now. We do plan on seeing each other at some point around the holidays so I'm looking forward to that.

Don't think I mentioned that I spoke with a writer from the Washington Post last week. She's doing an article on holiday eating tips (like I'm so good at that lol) it's a TOPS thing so will have other people mentioned in it too. I think it's going to run this Sunday. Always exciting doing stuff like that.

Guess that's about it for news here. Hoping tomorrow will be a busier day for me. Tonight the plan is to go home hang with the kids and do some cooking and then go to the gym. I'm feeling pretty good emotionally so that's a good thing. Thinking the funk is lifting finally.

Till next time...

TGIF

2011-12-02T09:14:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm definitely happy it's Friday. The beginning of the week seemed to drag on me but thankfully yesterday went quicker. I'm guessing because I had work to do. Today I have some too so should go by quicker. I don't have anything planned this weekend either so should be relaxing for me which I could use.

Marie has her first basketball game on Sunday so that will be fun to see her play since this is the first time she's ever played. Sounds like she's doing well with it by what her coach says.

Yesterday after work I went to my TOPS meeting about a hour up the road. It was nice seeing everyone, they are a nice group. I got to the gym around 8 so I didn't get home last night till 10:20pm, I didn't even get to see Marie at all. Nick was still up and Mike was already snoozing in his chair lol. The new little kitty was already being a traitor and was in Mike's lap sleeping (all the cats seem to like him best).

So I thought the first day of the "pill" went fine yesterday. I took bzybee's suggestion about the Vitamin B and also took a B-complex vitamin I have and think since yesterday seemed good I will continue to take it along with my pill. I felt calm all day and didn't feel irritable at all. My energy level was good too (probably the B-complex) and I slept just fine last night. So, so far so good.

My food was good yesterday too and I got in 2 hours of exercise last night. I got a msg from my directlife coach Erin too the other day. I haven't worn my directlife since before Thanksgiving. I had been faithful to wearing it for many weeks before then so I would like to get back to wearing it and finish out my 12 week program. I don't know why I don't use Erin more for support. I'm glad she's good about checking up on me when she doesn't hear from me for awhile. I can always use all the extra support I can get.

Monday will be my 5 month mark since my second surgery. I keep thinking about pictures and posting more stuff about that. I read PriorFatGirl's blog and she's so good about posting info about all she went through. I felt I just did a lot of complaining during mine lol. But I know we each go through things differently. I know too we all have different results and I am happy for folks that get PS and things turn out so well like PFG. But I feel I'm just in a different category with where I came from physically. I know I have to realize that no matter how much PS I could get I will never turn out like others. I wish I could work on the whole body image thing. I think maybe pictures could help me really visualize just how far I've come. It's just been a long journey, going from morbidly obese, to loose skin to plastic surgery and a map of scars now. It's just a tough adjustment physically and mentally.

I definitely wouldn't change any of my decisions as I've went from where I was to where I am. I think I took the road I was suppose to even with all the bumps and curves along the way. I can look in the mirror now (with clothes) and know I've accomplished something very few people have. As for looking in the mirror naked and liking what I see, well I'm hopeful with time that will come. Some days I can look and see an ok looking person. I'm guessing it's that way for everyone, we all have good and bad days for body image.

When I do my other TOPS meetings I've realized too that I have plenty of good things to say to people to try to help them. Sometimes I wish I had more time with the folks. Sometimes I wish I had more time or I put in more effort to help promote TOPS and weight loss. Something Mike and I have talked about often is that we need to get the word out to high school kids. I would so love to do that. Maybe once I can get my head on straight I will try to make that happen even if it's just the local 2 high schools here. Even if it could help just one teenager it would be worth it. I would never want any other teenager to go through what I did weighing 350 at 15. It just didn't feel worth living back then.

Typing all that makes me feel soooo grateful for where I am today and as I've said lots of times before being grateful is what will help me get over the humps when I feel things aren't so good. I know I'll get through this rough patch and be just fine :)

Wish I could give all of you a big hug today :)

Till next time...

Feeling Calm

2011-12-01T12:27:00.000-05:00

Today I'm feeling calm, maybe it's just me wanting the "new pill" to be all magic for me and take away all my "out of sort" emotions lol. For whatever reason I'm just glad to be feeling this way. I have work to do today too which feels good. It's making me have a focus rather than it on myself.

Yesterday wasn't the best day but I made it through with not to much damage. I didn't talk about it yesterday but I have talked about my doctor in the past. She's just strange with me, I swear she treats me like I'm anorexic or something which is just bizzare to me since I still have at least an extra 15 lbs on my body. She told me maybe I just needed to eat more but when I told her I eat about 2000 calories a day on average she said "oh ok I won't recommend eating more then". She also evidently doesn't have a clue about the mental aspect of obesity even though she is obese herself. Maybe being a different nationality things just aren't thought of the same way. Regardless I was grateful she didn't give me a hard time about the anti-depressant and tried to give actual advice about the medication.

From what I've looked up online and also from what she said I'm not really sure why Dr. N suggested this particular anti-depressant. It isn't really one used for obsessing/worrying, anxiety and it could cause insomnia which I of course don't need made worse. But I'm going to give it time and see how it goes. I do know that I took this (Welbutrin) like 8 or so years ago and I stopped taking it because it seemed to make me have angry outbursts. When I read online yesterday it said the #1 side effect was agitation. But like I said I'm going to give it a go and see how it is. So far today I'm feeling pretty good so that's a good sign. I go back to the doctor in 3 weeks so she can see how I'm doing.

Last night Mike and I went to a different TOPS meeting than my own to do my area captain program. It's always nice visting the other chapters in my area I wish I could fit it in more often than just once a year. I was suppose to go to another one today and then another tonight but I had to reschedule the one today because of the owner being here today. Never a good sign it seems when the owner comes to visit but I'm hoping this time will be different lol. Guess we will see soon enough since I think he's here only through today.

My eating was not good yesterday. I'm still tracking my food on myfitnesspal so at least I know how I'm doing. Today should be a much better day since I'm not having all that anxiety I was having yesterday. It seemed to come on me when the owner showed up unexpected, he just makes me nervous lol. I didn't get in any exercise yesterday either which didn't help.

This morning I packed up my gym clothes so after the meeting up the road tonight I will stop at the gym on my way home for a workout :) I'm looking forward to it. Feels like lately exercise has been the one thing to make me feel myself :) I'm grateful for that.

Thanks for all the nice comments, I really do appreciate all you guys even though I haven't been a very good blogger friend myself lately. I hope to get back to blogging more because it really does help me.

Hope everyone is having a great Thursday.

Till next time...

Missing Me

2011-11-30T14:18:00.000-05:00

Yep, I'm missing me. Not sure how I lost me but seems the past several weeks (really a few months) I've just not been myself and I'm not sure how to get myself back. I thought the Kentucky trip would help. I did enjoy my long walks while there but it didn't really fix much.

While there the food wasn't good. I found myself not sleeping and up every night eating. It brought back so many memories for me of how much of a sneak eater I use to be. It seems whenever I go to his mom's I'm back in that mindset. I would find myself sitting in the diningroom with my ipad playing games and I would cut off little slivers of pie and just keep doing that of cherry and pumpkin till I had at least a whole piece of each. The one night I had a bowl of fruit salad too and another night I had a banana and graham cracker with peanut butter too. I came home weighing 12 lbs more. Ekkkk I know crazy, thankfully 10 of that was gone by this morning but I'm sure I earned a lb or 2. It makes me mad at myself that I can revert back to old ways so easily if put in the right environment. I'm definitely a person that needs to be in my own environment.

I did have a really nice visit though and really enjoyed my time in Kentucky. The weather was really nice and the first morning though cold it was so great getting out and walking with Kevin and Mike. The second day I walked alone and the 3rd day it was just Kevin and I. We had time to have that long talk and I think we both felt better. I think he's doing ok. I think he's sorting out his own stuff and growing into an adult just fine. He'll be home Dec 21th for about 10 days which will be nice. I've missed having him around for sure.

It was great getting to see all the kids, they are all growing up so fast. Mike's brothers new little one is walking and talking already and just the cutest little thing. His oldest is 15 and she just seems so mature. I think they enjoyed hanging with each other too though his brother only stayed the day.

Nick and Marie spent most of their time "cat wranglin" as they called it lol. There were 4 wild kittens around the farm that they did their best to catch but never did succeed. It gave them something to do though and I think they enjoyed just being outside.

On Saturday we went to Mike's great uncles house. He had LOTS of cats and before I knew it I had the cutest little black and white kitten in my lap. It's front paws were crippled from birth and it was the runt of the litter. It just took right up with me and sat in my lap for almost the whole 3 hours I was there. Before I knew it Nick and Marie and I were plotting out a plan of how we could take the little guy home lol. Not that we needed another cat but I just couldn't stand the thought of that little guy out in the cold this winter and feared something would get it since it doesn't get around to fast. So we packed it up and brought it home :) It sleeps with me and I just love it. Maybe it's just what I need these days.

So many things I haven't talked about, well just haven't been talking much lately. Don't think I mentioned that one of Nick's parakeets died the other week. We took little Josie out and buried it with our kitties out in the front yard. Little Duke was pretty silent for many days but thankfully is getting his chirp back. I'm thankful as I worried he would follow Josie quickly from loneliness.

The Tuesday before we left was a tough day for me, for all of us. I came home from work knowing I had all the packing to do and Nick was in meltdown mode. I thought his other parakeet had died. But he quickly spilled out past his tears that he had been playing xbox had gotten mad and thrown the itouch and broke the screen. Marie was crying as well just from how upset he was. Then Mike came in and feeling upset myself I pointed at him and told him this was his fault that he had taught Nick to have angry outbursts. He threw his stuff in the floor and stormed out the door. There I stood feeling broken myself and feeling like I had to hold everyone else together. I hugged and comforted Nick. He told me he wanted to go back to therapy and that he was taking Mike with him. Then Mike came back in and said he was sorry and I hugged him too.

Later in the evening after things were calm, yet I was not, I decided to just go to the gym and forgo packing till later. It felt good getting away. I ended up calling a girlfriend and talking to her for awhile about it all. I got in a good workout too and I came home feeling somewhat better.

Mike and Nick will go to therapy with Nick's old therapist on Tuesday and yesterday I went and saw Dr. Nutter again. He suggested an anti-depressant this time to try to help me with my obsessiveness/worrying all the time. So I called and made an appt with my doc and went in today and got a prescription. I've not been opposed to meds and maybe if it can help turn my mind down a bit it will help me. I just want contentment and happiness and honestly I don't understand why I don't have that since really life is pretty good these days.

On a good note I had a special day the Sunday before we left. Marie and I went to a horse stable and I got to ride a horse for the first time since I was about 10. We spent several hours there and we got to brush and tend the horse and learned a lot. Being a city girl I've not spent any time in a barn or on a farm so it was really nice. I had met a great young lady on PriorFatGirl's community website about a month ago and she lives here in Maryland and just loves horses. So she gave me a wonderful gift by inviting us to the stables she helps out at. It was just a great day and I felt like I had known her, her little girl and the stable owner for ages :) It really was a magical day for me and Marie. I am sure we will go back again.

I hate writing these type posts of boo hoo me. I know I have a ton to be grateful for and really I am. I'm not sure what's up with me maybe it's just winter coming or just all the changes this year. Last year I felt on top of the world and this year just feels like one thing after the other that I have to adjust too. I've never been good with change so I know it will just take time.

I know I'll be ok, I know things will sort themselves out, meaning I will sort myself out. I just need to realize that my past is the past and I don't have to be that person. I don't have to dwell in my old thinking or let it eat at me that I'm not "cured" just because the weight is gone. I've said a million times that the weight is just a byproduct of something else. I do know that and I am working on those other things within myself. TIME, TIME, TIME, it just needs to continue going by and I just need to continue doing the right thing.

Till next time...

Learning To Sit With My Emotions

2011-11-22T15:28:00.000-05:00

Hmmmm my blog looks funny today for some reason. Hopefully everything is working though. My computer at work has been acting kind of funny lately so who know if it's blogger or just my computer or maybe even something I did.

Anyway, here I am. Patience is not something I do well. So it was really good that last Tuesday, less than 24 hours after I had wrote Dr. N a letter he called me. He said the insurance companies wouldn't get it in their head that he was retired so he changed his number. He joked and said it wasn't like "What about Bob (or Dawn)?" or anything like that lol. It made me laugh. For those that have never seen that movie it's about a patient, Bill Murray, that won't let his therapist be, Richard Dreyfuss and pretty much destroys his life. Thankfully I'm not put in that category which is good to hear lol.

So Wednesday I went and saw Dr. N and we had a good chat. So many things I seem to forget practically the moment I leave his office but still plenty I remember. I think the biggest thing being that sometimes we have to learn to sit with our emotions. Not that this should be new to me or that I haven't heard that from him before but it really hit home with how I've been feeling lately.

We talked about how I'm feeling a loss in areas too like Kevin being gone and now my girlfriend not talking (I finally called her last night) and even not being able to reach him. It feels like abandonment or neglect to me which is what I felt often as a child. In the past I turned to food to fill up that void when I had feelings of loneliness now I try to fill it up with people but its not always easy and sometimes as I limit myself to people they limit themselves to me as well.

I've come here to post like 4 times in the past week and never seem to finish my thoughts. I'm struggling emotionally the past few weeks but surprisingly in the weight category I'm doing pretty well. I think it's that I've been working out 5 to 6 days a week. My weight at TOPS on Wednesday was 180.2 lbs. I was hoping to be back below goal but was super happy to be back in leeway at least. I was 178 this morning and I'm hoping to continue to stay in the 170's though I am nervous about Thanksgiving.

As most of you know we go to Kentucky (we leave in the morning) and Mike's mom usually has lots of sweets and puts like 2 lbs of butter in Thanksgiving dinner lol. So I have my work cut out for me. But I'm looking forward to being away from work and the computer and just my regular routine. Kentucky is so peaceful to me and I'm looking forward to my long morning walks with whoever wants to go with me and seeing the cows and horses and just being out in nature. I love sitting on the porch too in the rocking chair with a cup of coffee and just enjoying the peace.

I don't even know what I've talked about lately here and not ambitious enough to read back through but Kevin will be driving his new car to Kentucky and meeting us there for the holiday. I'm hopeful that we will get in some quality time with each other and maybe a good long talk. His last visit it seemed we spent plenty of time together but were pretty quiet. I do miss him a lot especially in the evenings when it seemed so often it was just him and I up together.

I think I'm going to see Dr. Nutter again after we are both back from Thanksgiving. I'm not sure when he's suppose to arrive back but will call when I return. I just think I need more shrinking these days lol. I know I need to learn to be with myself and not need anything or anyone else to ease my loneliness/emptiness. It's an issues I've had all my life and I know it's about loving myself fully. The whole body image thing too I still need to work on.

I've been visiting my local TOPS chapters to do my yearly area captain program and I must say that is helpful to me because it really does make me realize how far I've come. I'm thankful for TOPS that's for sure. It really did help change my life and I hope I can give some motivation and inspiration to others.

Oh, I took a yoga class last week and it was ok :) Felt kind of good to be with others working out and not just on my own. The teacher was foreign and had a great voice too, very soothing, it was just what I needed that day.

Anyway, I'm doing ok just not feeling like talking much lately. Hopefully my long weekend away will help boost me back up :) Hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanks to everyone that commented so sweetly on my last post too I always appreciate you all so much.

Till next time...

Sometimes...

2011-11-14T16:02:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just get to feeling down. It's usually a few little things or a lot of little things that add up to me feeling a bit lost and sometimes I want to cry and sometimes I want to just talk to someone. Seems sometimes I have no one to talk to. I know I should be able to talk to Mike but I don't want him to blame himself because I do feel it's my deeper issues just coming up to the surface. "deeper issues" not always really knowing exactly what that means or what they are.

I have so many things I want to talk about yet I don't feel like taking the time to write it all out, though again I think it could be helpful to me. This is suppose to be the place I write about things and bring things in my mind together so that maybe they start making sense for me. So I guess I will try.

I had a good weekend so not sure where all these feelings really came from. I have some ideas but nothing major has been going on really. Kevin came home for the weekend. He arrived Thursday night and seemed to just hang with us all the way till Saturday evening when he went out with friends and spent the night there, not a big deal, he texted twice to let us know. He has his own car now so again not a big deal.

But he seemed down, seemed we were in similar moods yet we did little talking yet spent quite a bit of time together. He even went clothes shopping with me on Saturday and was my clothes rack lol. I wish he could talk more because sometimes I don't know what I can say that will help. Maybe just being home with us helped him a little. We will see him again in less than 2 weeks in Kentucky for Thanksgiving so maybe then he will have more to say or I will. I don't always want him thinking time spent with me is like therapy because I'm no therapist and I don't want all our time to feel like I am trying to "sort him out".

Yesterday he hit the road in the morning and in the afternoon Marie came up with the idea to go for a hike at Calvert Cliffs State Park. So we packed a lunch and went. It was a really nice time and the weather was just perfect, breezy but not to cool. Lunch by the water was nice and then after we got done with the hike (4 miles) we played at the tire playground :) She kept telling me I sounded like a kid and I felt like one, it was a lot of fun running around with her, sliding down slides, swinging on swings and climbing tires, made me feel so alive and grateful. A part of me though kept wishing Mike had gone with us, Nick too for that matter.

After we got back I did some cooking for the week and just relaxed. Mike was pretty checked out with his headphones in reading on his ipad. I guess I was feeling tooned out :( But I know he was just wanting a break from it all himself.

This morning I woke up still not feeling right, feeling pretty weepy. I made the decision to give Dr. N a call and see if he could see me. I figured it couldn't hurt and I hadn't seen him in several months and he had said I could call if I wanted to. Well I called and his phone had been disconnected. I felt a wave of sadness come over me. It felt so final, felt unfinished, I hadn't really left his office the last time thinking it really would be the last time. So I found myself typing a letter out to him, putting it in an envelope and sending it off to him today. I tried not to guilt him or make it all about me. I will confess though a part of me is hoping for a reply that will say "come on and see me" but honestly he is retired and that's not really fair of me.

I talked with a friend today and they suggested an anti-depression/anti-anxiety med. Am I depressed? Honestly I don't feel depressed though I do know the anxiety is an on going problem. I know that taking a half a xanax on occasion hasn't been a bad thing but I also know it really isn't fixing the underlining issues causing the anxiety. I feel a bit lost. Should I look for a new therapist? Don't we all need to fly solo at some point?

As for the food, I haven't been turning to food. I've been eating well and going to the gym often. I've been feeling very good that way and the scale has rewarded me. But I know the weight, food, exercise, all that is just part of me, it's not my life or what makes me happy, sad or whatever emotion I'm feeling. I am thankful not to be struggling right now on top of the emotional stuff I'm feeling. I will continue doing what I've been doing and not letting that part of things fall apart.

I have been thinking about my girlfriend a lot lately too. We haven't spoke in about 2 weeks. I did try calling awhile ago but got no reply. I think about calling but I worry she will be angry for whatever reason and lash out at me. I feel pretty fragile right now and just really know I couldn't take that. I know our friendship is pretty broken. But sadly when I am feeling this way it is her I want to talk to most usually. I have thought of sending a card or flowers (again) but honestly don't think it would matter. I think she is just angry with me and I don't know that I can fix that because I can't change the person I am.

I did go have lunch with Mike today. I tried to talk about things with him but didn't want to get to crying at his work. It did make me feel somewhat better. I feel bad for him when I get this way because it isn't about him and I know he just wants to make me feel better.

The cottage is still empty though I've had a few calls and a nice man came and looked at it on Saturday. I listed it on another website too so I'm hoping that will bring in some more calls as well. I'm not stressing to much about it though.

Anyway, enough of all this boo hooing. My life is pretty darn good and I have to keep reminding myself of that fact.

Till next time...

Is it really Wednesday again already?

2011-11-09T13:53:00.000-05:00

Where have I been? Well right here really. Started a little challenge with a few folks and it seems I'm side tracked but in a good way. I'm not much of a challenge person and I'm not always good with the rules. But this time it's pretty easy. I'm using myfitnesspal and logging my food and letting others see what I'm eating and so far it's doing wonders for me and my weight is down 4 lbs this week. So yep, accountability is the real deal and definitely works. I think getting to the gym 5 out of 7 days hasn't hurt me either.

So here I am and I'm actually feeling good. The anxiety is still high as heck lately but I'm doing my best to deal with it and I think Mike hit on something when he said that being out of my normal exercise routine was probably what was causing the flare up in addition to the cottage still not rented.

I'm trying not to stressed over the cottage empty but it is the biggest thing on my mind lately. The past 2 times it took about 3 months to get it rented so I'm trying to look at it's only been a little over 2 weeks since we put the ad up so I need to take some deep breaths and relax. With Thanksgiving and then Christmas coming up it's definitely not a good time to be looking for a renter either so if someone doesn't come along before the new year I just have to be ok with that, what other choice do I have. Financially we'll get by, we always do.

Tonight is TOPS and this morning I saw 179.5 on the scale so if I can stay within a few lbs of that I will be back in my leeway. I SOOOO want to be back in leeway. I think that will be a big weight off me too.

I've started doing my yearly area captain TOPS visits to my local chapters. I did the first one last night. It was on super foods and I felt like it went well. I'm looking forward to seeing the folks that I haven't seen in a long time. Going to the different chapters helps to make me realize I am still a success even if at times I'm not feeling like one. Having kept my weight off for 2 yrs now is definitely success. Hopefully as more time goes on it will become easier too.

So only 2 short weeks till Thanksgiving and we hit the road for Kentucky. I'm looking forward to going and seeing Mike's family. I'm also looking forward to my morning walks there. It's such a beautiful place. Hard to believe how fast this year has went by it will be Christmas and then New Years in the blink of an eye.

I don't feel like I have much to talk about today. Just thought I better post before anyone got worried about me that I had falling into a hole or something. Even though we don't have much daylight now I'm thankfully not in a hole :)

Till next time...

I'm Back Home

2011-11-02T09:24:00.003-04:00

Well I had a good time at the conference. I was so torn about staying an extra day but finally decided it was better to come on home on Monday since Mike didn't need to go in 2 hours late a second day and I really didn't want to work another weekend to make up for a missed day.

I am really hoping that they will consider me for another conference. The set up of the booth was more elaborate than I thought but there were many way more elaborate booths than ours for sure. I arrived in DC (about a hour and a half drive) on Saturday with rain and snow. Crazy to have that in October. It was back in the 50's here yesterday but in the 30's this morning.

So at the conference I was surprised by just how many people, especially health care professionals had never heard of TOPS. I felt like we did a really good job trying to inform them and I felt like so many people were so very happy to hear about us. They had the TOPS News issue that had my story of the half marathon with Mike in it which was really cool :) J kept telling everyone I was on page 30 when she gave them a copy of the magazine lol. I almost felt like a celebrity. It did feel really motivating to me to feel like a success story. With the struggling I've been doing the past several months I just haven't felt like much of a success.

The hotel we stayed in I thought was beautiful but the ambassador and J didn't really care for it much. I had never stayed in a place where I got my own robe :) valet parking or a fireplace in my room (was closed off though). The traffic noise was bad but I think had we asked for a courtyard side room it would have been great. The TOPS ambassador though got put down in the "basement" as he called it where it was cold and even wet (one morning he got his sock wet going to make his coffee), poor guy lol.

Us at our booth

I have a busy week ahead of me so I am glad to be home. I thankfully came back weighing the same as when I left which is kind of amazing since I ate out twice a day while gone. But we ate pretty healthy and J and I had brought plenty of fruits and yogurts and stuff for our room. I think the lack of stress too was very helpful in my weight staying steady. Plus I did get in plenty of walking since we had to walk several blocks to the conference each day and do plenty of walking at the conference. There was so much neat stuff to see too. I am giving serious thought to getting myself a vitamix, seeing it in action was pretty amazing.

What I didn't talk about last week was that the Dr. Oz show had contacted me again. Back and forth with emails and phone calls it was pretty clear that they definitely had their own agenda which I kind of knew from last time. I wish I had taken my opportunity last time to at least shake Dr. Oz's hand and thank him. I was a different person then though and didn't think I was important enough especially with so many other great successful people there with me.

They wanted me to do a short video clip and really I hadn't agreed but they went ahead and sent out a flip cam to my house and then kept calling. On Friday when the cam arrived I called them back and told them I was going out of town and there really wasn't a way I could do a video Friday night for them. The producer was telling me what she wanted me to say and saying maybe Mike could video me running lol. It all just felt so overwhelming to me for a 20 second blurb that really didn't mean anything to me. I just felt if I couldn't have my full circle moment (meet Joel and Dr. Oz and give them both a big hug) then I didn't want to do anything. So I told her I just couldn't manage it with needing to pack for my health conference and she was very nice and said she understood. The second I hung up I felt such relief and knew I had done the right thing for myself.

I just know I don't need all that anymore. I think in the beginning I craved the attention (though it was very scary to me too) to try to prove something to myself. I know shows about weight loss success are reaching people but I feel I can reach more people through TOPS and it's on a personal level where I am talking to people and maybe really helping to change someones life not just a face on the TV for a few seconds. I believe I will get to meet Joel at some point privately. He is the one that knows me not Dr. Oz. With Dr. Oz I was just a face in a crowd of 1500 people that day at that seminar in 2007 but to Joel he took the time to help motivate me and he knows me as a person and so getting to thank him in person is what has real meaning to me. So that is definitely on my goal list.

I think I could ramble on and on today. I read a great post of Christine's called "When Fates Are Linked" this morning. It really hit home for me. It made me think of so many people in my life. I feel I have spent most of my weight loss journey avoiding the people I need to forgive. It has been my safeguard for myself believing I was far to weak to deal with all those relationships. But as time has went on I realize I am much stronger now and I should try to set some relationships right. One thing I do know that every relationship I am thinking of I love those people and they love me. We my have a dysfunctional relationship but there is still love there which makes me believe things can be repaired at some point.

Nick has to get his wisdom teeth pulled on Friday. Mike is going to take him. We started him on his antibiotic this morning. I hope it all goes well for him. That stuff always makes me feel so worried. I know he will be just fine though I wish he didn't have to go through that so early.

Marie has a tea party tomorrow at school so I have to go out and get her a dress tonight. She needs a new coat too so hopefully we can find her one tonight. She also has a Birthday party on Saturday so we have to get the little girl a gift. Just a lot of little things I need to do in the next few days.

We haven't had to many calls about the cottage but I have a woman coming tomorrow that I'm hopeful about. Mike and I should have went over last night to finish up but we were both not feeling it.

I wanted to go to the gym last night. Marie had basketball and then after picking her up she had forgot her watch so we went back to the school so by the time we got to the house it was after 8pm. So I got all ready, changed my clothes, got my water bottle, got in the car, got to the gym and headed to the door. I looked down and on my feet were my moccasins lol. Yep, I had forgotten to change into my running shoes. Well double darn is all I had to say. So I got back in the car and headed home and never made it to the gym. I was bummed. I could have probably done something at home but ended up just sitting and watching biggest loser.

Tonight is TOPS, it's exercise night so hopefully I'll burn a few calories tonight. I plan to do something similar to the Leslie Sansone walk away the lbs videos. It's pretty easy for the folks and they seem to enjoy it pretty well. I'm hoping I will be back in leeway tonight but I don't think so since this morning my weight was at 182.5 and it usually goes up a few lbs during the day. But I'm at least getting closer. I feel pretty good and I've been eating well. I made a bet with J that I wouldn't night eat this week so far so good. I'm still off the peanut butter too which feels good.

Well I better get to work.

Till next time...

Not a Typical Few Days

2011-10-28T15:05:00.000-04:00

It's been a bit of a crazy few days for me. I'm feeling that overwhelmed feeling in the pit of my stomach. I need to just breath and take it easy. Everything always ends up just fine. I had 3 people suppose to come last night to look at the cottage and one never called, one came and one was almost a hour late. Tonight I have 1 more coming so hopefully she will show up. I'm feeling ok about how it's going so far. Last night I liked the one woman and thought she was really interested but haven't heard back from her now.
I still don't know what to do about the old renters. I hate the thought of just leaving it like it is with them just leaving, leaving some stuff too, no keys returned, etc. After almost 2 yrs of them living there I really don't want things to end that way. I think I will most likely call in a week or so and let them know how much of their deposit I'm going to give back. I'm guessing they expect nothing or they would have contacted me by now. Just all so weird to me. I guessing it's just because they are young and maybe think they didn't do right (not cleaning the place well). But they always paid on time, were quiet and polite. Anyway, I'm sure I will decide and do what I think is best.

I wanted to go to the gym last night but ended up going to Walmart for some stuff Marie needed for her Halloween party today and to get groceries. I went to the gym on Tuesday and I could barely get through a hour, not sure what my problem was. I think it was not being use to that much running and weight lifting (from Sunday). I want to go tonight but I have packing and stuff to do so we will see. I really could use a good workout. I think maybe I'm over doing the running to quickly too not giving my body time enough to adjust. Plus I was out of my arthritis meds so feeling all the aches in my joints more too. Got that filled today though so hopefully the joints will improve.

Still not sleeping the best only got in 5 hours last night, about 5 the night before that and then 4 the two nights before that so I'm sure that's not helping with how I'm feeling. I definitely need to figure out a better plan. Maybe if I would pay attention better to what I'm doing when I sleep well compared to when I don't.

Food is going ok. Haven't been journaling my food like I should just kind of adding things up in my head which isn't the best plan since stuff seems to get forgotten. I've cut myself off from peanut butter. I have peanut flour in the freezer and need to get back to using that if I want peanut butter but it's just not as easy as reaching for the jar. But the past 2 days I made it through with none. The scale was looking better this morning so I was happy to see that.

TOPS Wednesday night was a good discussion meeting, the one lady didn't come as I kind of expected, I feel like maybe I ran her off. I'm liking the new couple pretty well though. I feel when we have new people we focus more on actually trying to accomplish our goals. I am feeling discouraged about this 10 lbs I can't seem to get off me. I have never been in this position before usually I'm just up and down but generally below goal or at least in leeway. It's frustrating to me. But I'm going to keep just doing the next right thing.

I took Marie to get her Halloween costume on Wednesday night. The Halloween store was really cool but definitely very creepy lol. Marie wanted to be a bear but there wasn't a bear costume to be found so she ended up with a ghost/ghoul costume. She was stressing over me not going to be home for Halloween to help her get her makeup and wig on. I felt bad but I know Mike will manage just fine. After all he is a big KISS fan so he should be able to manage some black and white face paint lol.

I'm stressing some over the conference and also about this other thing going on. Not sure how I want to handle the other thing, kind of wishing it would just go away. It's not something I really want to do (definitely not my full circle moment I was hoping for) so I just feel it's not hardly worth my energy or stress. I kind of need to make a decision today.

It's calling for rain/snow tomorrow, ekkkk. I hope the weather is wrong. I can't believe our temps have went from the 70's this week to the 40's today. I'm really bummed as I had hoped to have a pretty weekend in DC so maybe I could do some walking. Guess I will just cross my fingers and hope for the best.

Well I better get to work only a few hours left and need to finish something up for the boss.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Till next time...

Tuesday

2011-10-25T14:24:00.000-04:00

Today feels slow to me.

Last night Mike finished up most of the painting. I took Marie to soccer and got in a short walk. With the days getting shorter it got dark before 7 so their practices have been cut short the past few times. I guess I need to try to get her there earlier if I can since the other kids are showing up earlier. It's tough though when we don't get off work till 5pm. After soccer Marie and I went to the grocery and then I made us all dinner.

Evidently the new lawn mower doesn't work. To say I was bummed was an understatement. Evidently Mike had a bit of a spell over the whole thing before I got home. Guess we'll be taking it back at some point this week. The grass looks like heck but such is life.

Mike still has a few things to paint and some more odds and ends and I have to do a few more things over at the cottage too. I will just be so glad when we are done with it all, it seems endless. I'm glad to have the ad up though. Have a woman coming today after work though I doubt she will want the place. I think men are more accepting of old places than women. But I will try to have positive thoughts about it all.

Tonight Marie has basketball practice, at least we can just drop her at the school for that. It runs till 8pm so that will give me a little time to do those few things at the cottage after the woman comes to see the place. I would like to get to the gym tonight if possible. I have lots of aches and pains from Sundays workout but nothing abnormal so it looks like I've healed up pretty good. I don't know that I'll do much weight lifting though since my muscles feel like they need another day of rest. Think I'll just put in the cardio time especially since I won't get there till after 8 with Marie's practice.

I will let Mike decide if he wants to go to TOPS tomorrow or if he would rather take Marie to practice and get some walking in. It's a nice place to walk over there so he might pick that. It's discussion week at TOPS so not really anything going on there.

I looked at the itinerary for the conference and we need to have the booth set up by 10am so I will need to leave the house no later than like 5:30-6am on Saturday morning. That's going to make for a really long day. J is picking up the TOPS ambassador at the airport so I'm guessing her day will start even earlier than mine. I wish they had booked us for Friday night too so we wouldn't have to feel rushed or tired but such is life.

Food is going fine today. No more candy in the bowl here at work and no other treats so that's a good thing. I'm hoping for a good week all the way around.

Well better get to work.

Till next time...

All A Flutter Today

2011-10-24T13:47:00.000-04:00

Well I put the ad online today for the cottage. I put it at the same rate I was charging before in hopes it will go fast. It does seem to be the lowest priced on there right now but also guessing it's probably the oldest lol. It is it's own little house though which is a perk I think so I'm hoping I will start getting some emails or calls soon.

Also had an email that got me excited :) I'm not going to talk about it in fear nothing will happen with it but after I sent back an email I got a call. Of course it's all very exciting to me though I'm not going to get my hopes up. But it would be super cool if it did happen.

Yesterday after I got home from work Mike was all crabby. I know he was just tired from his 13 hour work day on Saturday and really just wanted to relax which really would have been fine with me had he just said that. Anyway, we went to Lowes and got some more odds and ends stuff and also bought a new lawn mower since ours has finally crapped out. We've had it like 10 yrs so it's been a pretty good mower. I'm hoping the new one will be nice and Nick will actually enjoy mowing the yard (yea right lol).

After Lowes I made dinner then I headed to the gym. I was just so full of anxiety I couldn't stand it. It was a little from Mike's crabbiness but I think mostly from the whole cottage thing. I got a good workout in and actually did a full hour on the tread mill, 30 mins before strength training and 30 mins after. Did 15 mins of running each time too so I'm improving. Doing 5 min walk warm up then 3 min run/2 min walk which seems to make the 30 mins go by quickly. I did a bunch of weight lifting exercises I hadn't done since before surgery too so I'm going to see how I feel tomorrow to see if I can continue incorporating the old stuff back in. I tend to try certain exercises out and then see if they cause me any weird pains. So far so good. So I was at the gym over 2 hours. Came home less anxious and plenty tired.

I did sleep good last night even though I didn't go to bed till late. Seems I'm not waking in the middle of the night lately so that's good. I'm hoping that will continue. I do think sleep is really important.

Food has been pretty good the past few days, hope that continues. Need to work on more water though. Did good yesterday but haven't gotten in much so far today.

Tonight Marie has soccer so I'll be taking her to that so Mike can finish painting at the cottage. He only has a little left in the kitchen and then the odds and ends stuff :) Seems the odds and ends stuff is endless we keep finding more things to add to the list lol. It will get done though especially now that the ad is up. We need to work on the yard this week too.

I'll be heading to DC early Saturday morning. Have to look at the itinerary again to find out what time I'll need to leave. We have to set the booth up on Saturday, then Sunday doesn't seem like a lot going on and then Monday will be when outside folks come around. I wish I could stay till the end on Wednesday afternoon but such is life. I'm just glad to get to go at all.

Well better get to work. I've been all a flutter today I haven't focused on work to well.

Hope everyone had a good weekend and is having a happy Monday.

Till next time...

Working on a Sunday

2011-10-23T14:53:00.000-04:00

It doesn't feel to bad to be working today. It's been a long time since I worked on a weekend. The bossman was here a few hours but now I'm alone again. Feels a bit creepy but not to bad lol. I plan on working another 2 hours or so. I am getting some work done so that's good and then I won't have to work longer hours this week.

Yesterday was a busy day for me. Mike had to work from 7am-8pm so I had the kids. Marie had a soccer game so I took her to that. When we got home I went next door and worked at the cottage and outside for about 3 hours. I felt like I got a lot done, cleaned the two porches, fixed the outside steps, trimmed back trees/bushes, raked leaves and cleaned more green stuff off the siding then had to remop inside because I had tracked mud all over the place. It's definitely looking better over there. I told Mike today I'm putting an ad up tomorrow even if he doesn't do his stuff today. I figure me putting the ad up will motivate him more to get his odds and ends done in the next few days. Over all it looks pretty good I think. I'm just ready to have it rented already so I don't have to stress over it.

After working on the cottage yesterday I thought I was ambitious lol so decided to go for a walk. I made it about a mile and a half total before calling it quits. I did run some of it so that was good. I'm definitely feeling all I did yesterday today. Shows me just how much I need to get back to some strength training, feel like I've lost some muscle in the past several weeks of no gym workouts. Since my share of stuff is pretty much done at the cottage I can hopefully get in more workouts now.

Food still hasn't been the best. Not sure what my deal is but I've been eating more processed stuff. Still staying clear of the sweets but that's just not good enough. This week I'm really going to focus on more whole foods and drinking more water. Need to make a trip to the store too since we are out of so much.

Tomorrow I think I will take Marie to soccer practice, I can get in a walk/run that way and Mike can work on the cottage since I know he's not getting much done today. I don't really blame him though after having to work 13 hours yesterday I know he would just like to have one day off to relax. So I won't give him any grief when I get home today :) But Nick on the other hand hasn't done much of nothing and surely better get the lawn mowed at least today since I didn't make him do anything yesterday.

My coffee is tasting like mud this afternoon, guess so since I made it at 9am this morning. Maybe I'll make a cup of tea for myself this afternoon.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend.

Till next time...

Having a Right to be Judgemental

2011-10-21T16:10:00.000-04:00

I don't have a right to be judgemental. Just because I had my stomach stapled at 15 and learned what eating around surgery really means and also now having lost all this weight again on my own it doesn't make me know what others go through. Yes, I think I have the added benefit of seeing things from many sides but I also can only go on my own experiences. Having a judgemental attitude doesn't help me or others is what I know for sure.

Thanks for the comments. All of you made good points and you are right that there is plenty I can do through being leader to try to help this woman and some of the others in the group without pointing fingers or trying to be right. I would never want to think of myself as righteous because that isn't the person I want to put out to the world. I'd like to think of myself as someone that can help people through my words not preach.

This week the TOPS meeting is open discussion and I'm hoping that this lady will be there again and if I did upset her that she will mention it and we can open it all up and discuss things. If that doesn't happen that's fine too I'm sure it will still be a good meeting as all the folks there really are there to support each other. I do know next year I want to just be a member and no longer leader though. I think doing a program here or there would be nice but I don't want the responsibility of it anymore even though this year others have done their share of programs. Anyway, I have a game plan now for some good ideas for meetings, thanks for that everyone.

After work last night I came home and made dinner. Ok, let me talk about dinner a minute. I made spaghetti with whole wheat pasta and I like to put some onions or peppers or both in the sauce just to add a few veggies. Well Marie always complains so last night I decided to grind my veggies up in the magic bullet so they wouldn't be hunks because usually its not the taste but the chunks she doesn't like. Well she wouldn't eat it said it tasted funny. Sigh. I'm not sure how to get her to eat more veggies, if I can't even hide stuff. Honestly she saw me do that with the veggies I think had she not maybe she would have ate it anyway lol. Oh well, will have to keep trying I guess.

Mike took Marie to basketball and then we worked over at the cottage. He got most of the painting done and I got all the floor caulking done. I went over this morning and it looks pretty good. I'm pretty happy with it thankfully. Still got a spot in the bedroom I don't know what it is but hoping I can find something to get it up with and then in the livingroom it got scrapped so I think a brown marker will work to help cover that. Mike has a bit more painting to do and several odds and ends things but overall its getting close. I think tonight we will go to lowes and get all the odds and ends things we need and hopefully finish up over the weekend.

After I caulked I decided I was just going to the gym even though it was after 9pm. I hadn't been in over 2 weeks and I was just feeling very anxious about it. So off I went. I did 30 mins on the treadmill and then 30 mins on the elliptical and then some stretching. It felt really great being back there. I might go tonight too and do some weight lifting. I'm definitely ready to get back in the swing of my regular exercise. I think I mentioned I plan on running a half marathon in May and then do the full marathon next October in Baltimore so I have to start up the couch to 5k again. Last night I ran about 8 mins out of the 30 so not to terrible.

Food has been ok, staying in my calorie range though not making all great choices. Came in this morning repeating, "I'm not going to eat candy" and then there sat 2 boxes of donuts, but I haven't had any and hopefully can get through the next two hours with no candy or donuts. I'm having a cup of coffee right now.

Tonight Mike and I are going to Lowes to pick up all the little things we need so we can finish up the cottage this weekend. I'm putting the ad out on Monday do or die. Hoping to get it rented by December 1st if at all possible, crossing my fingers.

Have to work on Sunday, not all that thrilled but such is life. Have to work Sunday so I can take off the following Monday for my TOPS DC thing next weekend. Looking forward to it but a little nervous too. Need to go get some new before pictures made since mine look like hell after carting them around in my purse for 3 yrs lol. Need to get a little cover book for them.

Well hope everyone has a great weekend.

Till next time...

Denial of Denial

2011-10-20T15:31:00.000-04:00

I like when my feelings toward food feel this way, a drift through the day with way less thinking about food. It's been this way the past few days. Even though my weight is still up a bit, I'm eating well and having peace with food and it feels good.

Last night I went to TOPS with Mike. I did the meeting on "you can accomplish anything in your life" and I thought it went well. I don't usually talk about my TOPS folks in a negative way on here because I know we all struggle. But I have a big issue with people in denial about their eating.

Yes, people can have medical reasons which make losing weight hard. But honestly I know from experience how you can lie to yourself and others about what you're eating. I was a big time sneak eater, very few people ever saw me eat in abundance. I saved my sweet eating for my personal secret time. Even now I find I still do it on rare occasion.

So when this woman said her stomach didn't empty the food out (which sounded legit) and she had almost constant indigestion, vomiting and diarrhea I felt bad for her. But where she lost me was when she said she ate very few calories a day, 500 was referenced. Now come on no one can continuously eat 500 calories a day for years and weigh about 250 lbs. The light went off in my head and I pictured myself 4+ yrs ago with my sweets and ice cream and all the foods that went down so easy with no problems. I believe that is this woman. A woman that wants to have gastric bypass, yet sits there and claims all the symptoms of a gastric bypass patient already yet can't lose weight. I don't know if my direct questions will chase her off (again) but I think people have to learn to be honest before they have a chance in hell of losing weight.

I asked my coworkers if they thought I was hard on her and they said no but Mike thought my questions were a bit direct lol. They were direct but it's so hard now for me to sit by and hear obese people say I hardly eat anything, or I eat really healthy foods or .... Well we all know what we use to say don't we? I'm guessing we've all been there. The denial of the denial as Mike calls it. Anyway, I don't know if she will be back now or come for one meeting then stay away for another month or so again.

Anyway, the whole thing made me upset and made me question am I a leader or am I just being judgemental. I guess a part of me wants to wake people like her up. But then I look at my sisters and I see the same thing. Have I become judgemental? I'd like to think only in the cases where people aren't being honest with themselves or me. For the people that are being real I feel lots of compassion for and want to reach out to and help as much as I can.

The whole experience just left me not feeling good. I'm almost hoping either I won't be there next week or she won't be. I don't know that I could take another discussion with her because I think I would find myself questioning her again trying to get the truth (or what I believe to be the truth). That's not right of me though is it? Hmmmm. I'll try to think about it more. Like my one friend said about herself today maybe I need tape on my mouth sometimes at TOPS lol.

I'm feeling really tired today but have lots to do tonight. Good news though, the caulk dried darker so it doesn't look to bad at all. But that does mean I have to move forward with the rest of the caulking which is a tedious, long job. Marie has basketball practice again tonight too. Mike says he's going to finish the painting so I'm hopeful I can put an ad up tomorrow :) oh boy lol. Not that I'm excited about having people come to see the place. It always wears me out trying to find a match, but I know I'll manage.

Life is good, I'm feeling pretty good so even though this post doesn't sound like it I'm doing just fine :) Still haven't made it to the gym or for a walk yet this week though, that's unlike me but I know I'll get there eventually. Been feeling very anxious to go, almost got up and went at 9 last night maybe if I feel that way tonight I'll just go.

Hope everyone is having a good Thursday.

Till next time...

The Silly Worrying

2011-10-19T14:20:00.000-04:00

Kevin called last night and he will be going to Kentucky for Thanksgiving. I'm feeling pretty guilty now of course for all my worrying and dreaming up crazy stuff in my head, though like I said it was possible with Kevin as he's proven in the past lol. Like Mike said though we've had so much history with him that sometimes it's just hard to trust him. I'm happy though to know that he'll be coming. I know I would have probably worried myself silly if he hadn't, even if he was at school (Navy) studying alone. I just hope as time goes on he will be able to be more open with me. I don't want to be the last on his list he tell things to. It would be nice to be the first.

Last night was a busy night for me. I kept feeling antsy and wanting to go to the gym but I just had to many things to get done that I didn't manage to get there. I came home from work, started dinner, took Marie to basketball practice, came home ate and then went over to the cottage.

I'm pretty bummed about our flooring over there and my caulking job just looks crappy. I need a darker color or something so the plan is to go to Lowes and see if I can either find a darker color or some paint or something else to fill in the cracks. To think we spent all that money on the flooring and it's barely been 2 years and it's already looking like hell. Sitting there caulking last night too and seeing the TONS of cracks left to do I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. I did about 1/2 the livingroom and then decided to just let it dry and see what it looks like before continuing. No reason to do it all then have to do it again. Sigh.

Tonight is TOPS, it's raining here again this Wednesday so that means Mike and I get to go together. I'm happy about that though I'm just thinking up a program to do now. I've decided to do it on goals and being able to accomplish anything you put your mind to. With the half marathon fresh in my mind maybe I can give some of my good feelings to everyone else tonight.

I don't really have much else to talk about today. Just going along doing pretty well. I've been doing better with not eating at night too which feels good. Been having hot tea with milk which helps. I am missing the gym though so at some point this week my goal is to get there. I have to work one day this weekend because of my up coming TOPS thing in DC so it's going to be a 6 day work week for me. Mike has to work Saturday too.

Well till next time...

Busy Day, Busy Week, Busy Month

2011-10-18T12:52:00.000-04:00

I'm taking things one thing at a time and so far it's working. Last night though I kind of got myself worked up with things running through my head that may or may not be true. Sometimes I get tired of the worrying I seem to do for no reason. Here's the story. We are going to Kentucky for Thanksgiving as we always do to see Mike's family. The plan has been to figure out how to get Kevin there and back in the 4 days he has off. Well yesterday he calls Mike and tells him he has a test a few days after Thanksgiving vacation so he's thinking about not coming. Now I know Kevin and he's always been "about the girl" and I know there is a girl HERE. So then last night I had a million thoughts of a plan he was hatching in his head to come HERE while we were away.

Believe me it's not far fetched either for Kevin. I know from him staying out all night with the van that it was all "about the girl" that night too and that was a plan he had hatched with her long before he came home for his weekend a few weeks ago. I get tired of worrying. I get tired of him sneaking around me. If he wants to be an adult he has to act like one and that includes honesty which I would have thought after all our history together he would be better at. At some point I will just directly ask him if he has other plans for Thanksgiving and with direct questions try to find the answers since most of the time he won't lie directly to me if I ask the right questions.

So last night after work and after working over at the cottage that was on my mind and I couldn't sleep. I ended up taking a Xanax (my second since I got them like a month ago) and it helped me to sleep. Like Mike said, Kevin shouldn't affect me like this when he's not even here. But like the legal thing recently and then his weekend home and keeping the van out all night it just seems he doesn't have much consideration for me. It makes me feel sad, hurt and angry. I don't want him going through his life sneaking around me or others. I don't want to be the last to find out something. I would like to be someone he comes to for advice not feel like someone he is always skirting around. Anyway, it's on my mind.

Other than that, things are fine. I worked over at the cottage and got quite a bit done but still haven't gotten to the caulking of the floor, that will be tonight. It's not going to be a fun job and then if it still looks like heck I will have to buy an area rug or something for the livingroom. I'm sad our flooring over there hasn't held up very well we were hopeful it would last years and it's barely 2 so far. At our house it has held up great so I'm guessing it's a temperature thing making it separate over there. Anyway, it is what it is and we will make the best of it.

Food has been good yesterday and today. Can't say the weekend was great but with walking a half marathon and eating pretty healthy Sunday I think I was just hungrier. I haven't been having any food triggers and I've been trying to stay hydrated. My weight hopped up many lbs between Friday morning and Sunday. It's drifting back down now. I'm sure part of that is TTOM and the marathon. I'm not letting the scale stress me though as I'm feeling good about things in general.

After talking to the marathoner on Saturday that sat down where we were sitting and him talking about the importance of sleep I'm really going to try to focus on getting more. I know a lot of it has to do with my night time worrying laying in bed. I need to turn off my mind. I don't want a pill to become my crutch but I will try the D3 he mentioned and will continue with the melatonin if it helps.

Marie starts basketball tonight. She seems to want to take a nap after school most days and it's becoming harder and harder to get her up for her practices. Last night she again missed soccer practice because even after finally waking her she said she had a headache. I don't want to have her give up playing sports but she has to realize she has to follow through and go to her practices. I'm not going to commit to 6 days a week of sports if she's not willing to commit. Not sure how to get that across to her though without a constant battle. Sigh.

My friend called today at work. It's been a busy day so I really couldn't talk to long. I feel like she asked about me a little but then kind of cut me off and went on to talk about her stuff. Then her cell went dead and she didn't call back. I'm trying to just be a listener but I will admit I'm feeling a bit resentful when I feel I've done my best to be here for her but she's really not here for me. Really even that doesn't bother me it's more having this fear that at some point she's going to lash out at me again for choices I make for myself. I know she has no friends right now and I don't want to abandon her but I also know I have a lot on my own plate right now and don't want that added worry. I guess for now I'll just play it by ear.

Not sure if I'll get much exercise in this week. Yesterday I thought about taking a walk before working at the cottage but then I was worried I would talk myself out of working over there so I just went and did it. Tonight though I might just walk first and hopefully still have enough get up and go to work at the cottage too. We just need to get it done and get the ad out. I told Mike I'm putting the ad up by the end of the week if we are done or not, we just can't wait any longer or winter will be here.

Life is good :) I'll keep reminding myself of that :)

Well I better get back to work. It's pretty busy here the past few days.

Till next time...

The Half Marathon

2011-10-17T14:08:00.000-04:00

Boy is it really Monday already? I'm still kind of worn out but doing ok today :) Wish I had another day off from work but such is life :)

Guess I'll start my half marathon recap from Friday. Marie and I headed home around 3pm to pick up Mike and Nick at the house. Then we headed to my co-workers house to get them (we've worked together 23 yrs). We got to my niece's around 6:10pm and then headed to Baltimore to the hotel. I felt bad that we were running so late when I had hoped we would all get to meet up for dinner with the rest of my half marathon folks. The one man that was by himself had arrived at like noon and my other 3 folks (wife, husband and daughter) had also arrived at noon. When we finally got to the hotel (after 7pm) we checked in and I went up and visited with my 3 folks in their room for a few minutes. I felt bad they had already had dinner so we didn't get to spend any time together.

P (the guy by himself) waited for us though and met us at the convention center where we picked up our race packets. It was nice having him with us to point us in the right direction to different things so I didn't have to think about anything :) since he had already picked up his packet earlier in the day. After that we headed to the Inner Harbor for dinner. We met up with my co-workers daughter and her boyfriend so most of us got to hang out together. The coworkers daughter and boyfriend said they hadn't trained at all for the half and that they planned on running as much of it as they could :) my hat went off to them but then they are young in their 20's :)

After dinner we headed back to the room and tried to get some sleep. I couldn't sleep all that well so I ended up getting up at 5:30am and started getting ready. I had told everyone to meet us in the lobby for breakfast and pictures at 7-7:30am since I thought our TOPS MD king would be meeting us at the hotel in the morning, but he never showed. I was pretty bummed since I definitely wanted to get a picture with him in it. We finally just took our pictures.

So here's my group, minus our king.

Here's the back of our shirts

So then we all headed to the starting line. We were like a hour early so we just stood around talking and waiting. We had 3 folks come up to us saying they were in TOPS. I was kind of bummed that the 2 from MD weren't with our group. I kept wondering how my info hadn't gotten to them. The other woman was from PA. It was still pretty cool that they had spotted our shirts and come over and talked to us.

Then our king finally showed up. There wasn't time for a group picture though since the race was about to start but it was good seeing him at least. He was ready to go and I was excited for him that he was running it. We talked about our next half which I do plan on running at least part of, it's in May.

So then we were off. The king and my coworkers daughter and boyfriend started out with us but were soon running on ahead. Mike, P and I were walking at a good pace so were ahead of the rest of our folks. When we hit the first down hill we decided to try to run all the down hills to try to beat our last years time. It wasn't as cold this year as last year and I had more clothes on than last year so I was a bit warm but ok. The wind picked up soon enough and I was glad for the extra clothes. It was a beautiful day though.

This year was different for me, it wasn't all about Mike and I. This year it really was more about my TOPS folks all making it across the finish line. Everyone had trained though and I really had no doubts we all would make it.

It really seemed the time went by fast and before I knew it I was half way done. I had managed to lose Mike and P by continuing my down hill runs but the daughter of the other couple had managed to catch up to me and so she stuck with me for awhile. Then we hit the lake and we both spotted everyone else coming on around so I hoped to continue on with Mike. But he had to make a port-a-potty stop so P and I ended up heading on ahead. I could see Mike with the other 3 in our group (mom, dad and daughter) behind us so I knew he was ok.

P stayed with me till around mile 9 or so then my down hill runs got the better of him and soon I was on my own. I met a sweet lady that said this was her 3rd half marathon, 2 others in NY, she said this was definitely more hilly lol. I had heard that a lot between last year and this year for sure. To think I want to do the full Marathon in Baltimore seems a bit crazy but then I think I was born and raised there so it is home to me and will mean the most doing it there I think.

Around mile 11 I ended up next to a pregnant woman :) She said last year she was going to do the full marathon but ended up pregnant so had deferred to this year and then when she ended up pregnant again she decided to just walk the half. Still super impressive that there was a woman I'd guess about 6 months pregnant doing a half marathon. I told her my story too and she said if I could do a half I could do a full, she was sure of it :) She finally said she was going to run the last of it and took off ahead of me.

So there I was alone again and I found myself getting teary eyed. To think here I was again walking another half marathon when just a little over 4 years ago I was barely able to walk a mile in 30 mins without feeling like I was dying. To realize that in my life I have accomplished everything I've ever set out to do. To know too that every person around me in that marathon was doing the same was a really amazing realization :)

Before I knew it I was close to the end so I took off running the last little bit of it till I crossed the finish line. There was my coworkers daughter and her boyfriend yelling my name and cheering me on. Then a woman handed me my medal and I went over to stand with V and her boyfriend. They had come in a full hour ahead of me :)

The 3 of us stood there and waited for the rest of my folks to come on in. My mom, dad, daughter team came into sight next and we cheered them over the finish line. Then my 2 co-workers came in and then I saw Mike hobbling in not far after them and then P coming up behind Mike. Evidently poor Mike's hip had started hurting around mile 10 he said so the last 3 miles were tough. But he made it in and he still beat his old time. Everyone beat our old time which made me proud.

I've always said that anyone can do anything they put their minds to and this definitely proved it to me yet again :) To think I had 4 folks in my group over 60 (oldest 68) and also that 3 of us that had lost a combined total of 420 lbs seemed pretty amazing to me. Then to look at the finishers of the full marathon (26.2 miles) and see that there were 9 men over the age of 70 (oldest 75) and two 73 yr old women just reinforces that. So I hope no one will ever doubt their abilities because you can do anything if you want it. I'm definitely proof of that and so are all the marathoners that were there Saturday.

Our king did the half in 2:26 hours and he is 49 and has high blood pressure so that's another testament to doing anything you put your mind to. My time this year was 3:46 (20 mins quicker than last year) and Mike's was 3:54 (12 mins quicker than last year). I was so happy we both beat our time. I'm looking to do the next half in May in less than 3:15.

After everyone finished we went over and sat and some of the folks had a beer in celebration :) We had a guy sit with us that had done 8 marathons. It was really interesting talking with him. Funny how you meet folks and they give you some new info. He said he takes D3 to sleep so I think I'm going to give that a try. He talked about how important sleep is too which I totally agree.

After sitting awhile we all headed back to our cars (about a mile away) and then we hit the road to my nieces to pick up the kids. They had had a good visit and I was glad they had stayed over there. Marie just loved spending time with the baby and my nieces husband said Marie was Lillian's new best friend :) I do hope we will be able to have a close relationship with her. She wasn't sweet on Mike though lol every time he looked at her she would cry lol. I think it was his goofy faces he was making. As for me, she would smile at me but she's not much on me holding her.

When we got home we were beat. Mike and I ended up going to bed at like 8pm and I slept through most of the night. I got up for about a hour and a half from like 3:30-5am but then went back to sleep till like 9am. Guess my body needed the rest. Oh, yea I got my period Saturday morning right before the race started, oh wonderful huh? lol Yep, that's my luck for sure. So that helped wear me out too.

Mike and I were pretty broke down yesterday I ended up taking a 3+ hour afternoon nap with the cat even after sleeping all those hours. It felt good to just relax though with nothing to do, no where to go.

Today I'm doing ok, everything is feeling better. I meant to take a picture of the medal but didn't get a chance to yet. Will try to post that tomorrow.

Tonight my plan is working over at the cottage, we need to get it finished this week. I keep saying that don't I? lol

Hope everyone had a good weekend. Thanks for all the well wishes for the marathon.

Till next time...

Darn Anxiety

2011-10-14T14:08:00.000-04:00

The darn anxiety is back today. I know it's just because of the half marathon and worrying over forgetting something important. I'm hoping as the day goes on it will ease up as I realize I have everything I need all packed and if I have forgotten something I will remember it before we leave. My shoes are on my feet and really that is the most important thing besides my race packet pick up info which is in my purse. I'm set, now relax Dawn, relax lol.

I was in a good mood yesterday and feeling so much better emotionally. But I also found myself wanting to eat all night, which I did. I didn't eat anything terrible but I just grazed all night. Just kept going back in the kitchen to eat something. I haven't even figured out my calories for the day yesterday and really today probably isn't the day to do that so will leave the number adding for another day. I did write it all down though.

I didn't work at the cottage last night either I just worked on dinner, laundry and packing. Mike went over and painted though and almost has it all done. I was proud of him since he got off work early and could have easily sat on his butt a hour or so enjoying the quiet :) I will be glad when the cottage is done and rented and that weight is off my shoulders.

My friend called twice yesterday here at work but she was in a better place mentally. I think I've really come to realize that her stuff is her stuff and if she wants to get mad at me for making choices that are about my stuff then I will just distance myself. I'm done letting it all stress me out. I do have to take care of me first even if it seems insensitive to her. Not once in all 3 of her phone calls to me in the past 2 days did she ever ask how I was doing.

Marie is doing ok here with me today. She's been cutting out stuff from paper :) got me doing it to at one point lol and playing on the ipad and even did some homework. We just got back from lunch with my coworker and boss (he turned 50 this week) and she's attempting to take a nap in 2 chairs across the room from me lol. We head out of here in less than 2 hours so I'm hoping the time will pass fast. I'm getting a bit of work done but my mind is definitely on tonight and tomorrow.

I'm sure everything will go just fine and really the walking part of it all seems like the easiest part. I am just being a nervous nilly. With having 11 of us I just want everyone to feel their accomplishment and not feel to stressed about it. I'd like to think I gave everyone all the needed info for this race that will make it much easier than how it felt to Mike and I last year. With picking the hotel for everyone and parking and directing for the packet pickup hopefully everyone will just get to enjoy the success of it all for themselves. I'm a bit nervous about pictures tomorrow but hopefully that will all work out well too. Relax Dawn relax :)

Wishing I could already be on the road :) If only Nick had off today. Glad my coworkers are riding with us I think it will ease my mind because we will all be talking and I won't be worrying and stressing Mike out lol. I called my niece last night so she's all set for when the kids arrive tonight. I'm guessing we will get to her house around 6pm. We have till 9 to get our packets and her place is only about 30 mins from the hotel. Thank goodness we have the GPS I'm sure it will be our life saver in the city :)

Well enough going on. I better try to get some more real work done. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Till next time...

Sleeping Better

2011-10-13T09:21:00.000-04:00

I've been sleeping better the past several days and boy does it make a difference. I'm feeling better physically and mentally and I'm getting to work earlier too. I'm not sure what has changed other than not going to the gym at night. I do plan on getting back to the gym next week but I will definitely have to take a look at my sleeping next week once I'm back and see if I go back to not sleeping well. I've been taking melatonin most nights too though last night I forgot and still slept through the night. I'm just very thankful to be sleeping better.

I think talking to my friend (yes the same friend I've been talking about) yesterday has helped me too, my anxiety is gone today. I had been formulating an email to her for days so I think having put all my thoughts into words and going over them again and again gave me what I needed to actually be able to tell her some things and why I think people are pushing her away and making her feel abandoned. Not that it made her feel better but at least maybe now she can see why I've done what I've done in the past, it's for my own mental health not to hurt her. I will call her later to check on her. After 35 yrs of friendship even as dysfunctional as our relationship is I just can't abandoned her right now.

TOPS was good last night. My weight was still up on the TOPS scale but I'm hopeful within a week or two I will be back in my leeway officially. J brought in her fake food and we talked about portion sizes. It really is amazing how little real portion sizes are. We definitely are a society that has learned to eat big. I mean an orange is suppose to be the size of a clementine lol. It does help make you more aware for sure going over that stuff again sometimes. Mike lost 2.2 lbs so I was really happy for him. I'm glad he's back to trying harder. I'm hoping by the end of the year we both will be down on the scale.

So tomorrow we hit the road for Baltimore for the half marathon. I'm feeling excited and happy about life and everything today. I'm so very thankful to be out of the funk I was in. My life is good and nothing going on in my life is anything that won't eventually work itself out. I need to remind myself of that each morning. I'm healthy and my family is healthy and that is the # one thing to be happy about.

Tonight the plan is to work over at the cottage awhile and then pack us up for our trip. We plan on leaving right after Nick gets home from school. Marie doesn't have school so I'm going to let her come here to work with me tomorrow. Hopefully she won't torture me lol. I'll bring the ipad and itouch, that should give her something to do I sure hope. We will be leaving around 2:45pm too so not a full day.

I need to call my niece tonight to let her know about what time we'll get to her place. It was sweet of her to volunteer to watch the kids for us. I'm sure they will have a good time with her.

Well I better get to work. Hope everyone is having a great day.

Till next time...

Another Day Making It Through

2011-10-12T16:51:00.000-04:00

I'm doing ok today. My friend called here at work. Don't really want to go into it on here but I know she needs me and I'll do my best to be there for her as much as I can without putting myself in a pit. I wish things were better for her. I feel scared for her.

Food is going well, still writing down everything. There's a small chance I could be back in leeway tonight though I'm guessing I will still be a bit above. I did see 182 on the scale this morning but that was in my pjs. It's raining today so Mike and I will get to go to TOPS tonight which I'm looking forward to. I've missed getting to go or having Mike there with me every week. I will be glad when soccer is over.

Marie wants to join basketball now at her school. It's Tuesdays and Thursdays with Sunday games so that would mean 6 days a week having sports with her but I know she wants to so I will call the school tomorrow and find out more details. It will only be another month of soccer so I think Mike and I can manage ok.

We made good progress at the cottage yesterday. Nick and Marie helped us too so not to much left to do over there, lots of odds and ends. Hopefully early next week we will be finished and I'll be able to put an ad up for the place. I'm hoping we can rent it quickly though I'm trying not to stress to much.

Only a few days till the half marathon. I'm looking forward to it. The kids will go up and spend the night at my niece's place and get to see the new baby for the first time. I can tell Marie is looking forward to it, she loves babies. It should be a nice day for them. I'm liking the idea too of getting home on Saturday now too since we've had such busy weeks the past few weeks it will be nice to have Sunday just to veg. I canceled the second nights stay at the hotel and upgraded to a king size bed so we should get a better nights sleep Friday then. My co-workers are riding up with us so we will all have dinner together too on Friday. Will be nice to just have the evening out. Hopefully traffic won't be to bad and we can get our race packets quickly after we arrive so we can maybe walk around the Inner Harbor a little bit.

I'm still using my directlife (thanks Erin) and though I'm not getting in the steady exercise I'd like, wearing it everyday is making me at least aware of what I am getting in. I'm hoping once the marathon is over I will get back on a more regular schedule with it. I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks now which is unusual for me. Between the walking and working at the cottage I just haven't had time. It will be nice to get back to some strength training soon.

Yesterday I had to let the TOPS lady know that I wouldn't be able to stay for the full 5 days for the convention in DC but only 3 days. I'm bummed about it but I just don't have the time off from work. I told the lady I hoped she would still consider me for things in the future though so hopefully she will.

Well it's almost quitting time. Hope everyone is having a good day.

Till next time...

Hanging In There

2011-10-11T10:17:00.000-04:00

Kevin called me last night to check on me. I thought that was nice of him. His first flight was delayed so he missed his second flight so got back to school 3 hours later than he thought. Thankfully he was still in time so he wouldn't get in trouble. Next visit with him will be Thanksgiving in Kentucky. He only gets 4 days so we will have to figure out how to get him there and back since the airport is about a hour and a half from there too. Hopefully it won't be to bad though.

After work I went for a walk and as I was coming back Mike was walking so I turned around and walked with him too so I got in about 4.5 miles. I hadn't planned on walking that much but mentally it did me good. Him and I talked a lot about my friend and I think I needed that to sort out my feelings.

It's clear my friend's not going to leave me be till she feels she's been heard. The phone rang last night around 10:30 but we were already in bed. When I checked this morning it was her. I'm trying to get it sorted out in my head what to say but I guess it will really be about how she is to me. If it feels like an attack I know it won't go well. At this point I just need a break, bottom line neither of us make the other feel good and that's not a good friendship. I have a feeling she will call me at work today. My anxiety is high just thinking about it.

It's really hard to think a 35 yr friendship can become what it has but I guess it's like family and things seem to come between you at times. I'm hoping at some point she will see I would never intentionally hurt her and that I do realize the pain she's going through. I just wish she could realize that all my actions were to take care of myself.

We never went over to the cottage last night to work. I just couldn't muster up the desire to do it. We both agreed we'd just wait till tonight.

I haven't talked about it but we have something else going on, a legal matter. It's not something Mike or I created. I'm not going to point fingers at Kevin but it seems if it really was someone in our house it was him before he left. Anyway, we have contacted a lawyer and we are trying to get it taken care of. Of course that means more money out of our pockets at a time we really can't afford it. Just another thing to stress us.

Calories were higher yesterday but with the long walk it all evened out and the scale was kind this morning. I'm hoping by the end of the month I will be back in TOPS leeway officially.

Thanks for all the comments and support I really appreciated everyone's care.

Till next time...

Worn Down Emotionally

2011-10-10T13:55:00.000-04:00

I feel like crawling in bed and staying there a few days. I hate feeling low like this and this time it doesn't even feel like I did it to myself. Sometimes I question myself when I start a post like this. I tend to be the type that wants to put out positive thoughts all the time though I'm surely not that way all the time. I know here on my blog is the place I can be just who I am and feel any old way I want to. But still sometimes I stop myself from writing these type posts.

This morning when I woke up I thought about Kevin heading back to school (the Navy). Then I checked my email on my itouch and I found another email from my friend. I read it. I got up and got in the shower and by the time I was finished I was crying. Crying because thinking my friend could really think I could be so cruel to her to intentionally hurt her. Even worse to put me in the category of her abusers or at least that's how it made me feel. I couldn't be that cruel to my worst enemy. It made me heart sick.

After I got out of the shower I called Mike and I started to cry again. Of course his reaction was anger at her. I know he's sick of her causing me tears and emotional turmoil. I don't want him to hate her though so I know I probably shouldn't talk about her to him anymore.

After Marie got on the school bus Kevin and I hit the road and I found myself telling him about the whole situation and crying a few times during our drive :( We did talk some about him and how it seems his emotional wall is back up. He said the Navy tells you to be that way. I told him it doesn't mean he has to be that way with the people he loves and cares about. Hopefully he heard me, he usually does. Sounds like he might be pretty serious with this girl that he started dating before he left. Anyway, he will tell me what he wants me to know when he's ready. We stopped for breakfast since we were early and then I dropped him off at the airport. I still feel sad our weekend wasn't all I hoped it would be. But he apologized again last night before bed and gave me a big hug so I know all is good between us.

Tonight I'm working over at the cottage. I'm tired of the cottage lol, just tired in general. Not sure how to get my mood to lift either. I need a good mood for the half marathon this Saturday. I'm going to do my best this week to just think good thoughts. I'm thinking if another email comes in I probably shouldn't even read it. I'm tired of feeling bad and I definitely know at this point our friendship isn't good for either of us.

Food is still going ok. Haven't exercised since Saturday's long walk so thinking maybe after work today I'll do a lap down my favorite road before working at the cottage. I think it will do me some mental good. Not suppose to do a lot this week so will take it easy.

Sorry to be such a downer but I think talking about things is the best thing I can do for myself.

Till next time...

Wanted a Good Post

2011-10-09T20:39:00.000-04:00

I wanted to write a good post today of how great everything was and that I was feeling terrific and everything was rainbows and sunshine. But that's just not how I'm feeling.

Friday after work I came home and took a few hour nap before heading up the road to get Kevin. It was great seeing him though he seemed to put on his tough guy act for me. He seemed to only talk about school the whole 2 hour drive home so I kept wondering what else was going on in his life. After we got back to the house he went right to bed which again seemed odd to me. But I knew he had been up early so I knew he had to be tired.

My friend's email came in Saturday morning. I think she did the best she could writing it with how I knew she had been feeling towards me. It still felt like a dig in several places and it was a good bye for now email as I expected. Not a mention of the flowers but then I expected that too. After reading it I just felt really sad. But I knew it was for the best for both of us so I won't try to contact her. I just hope I can have some peace with this soon. I keep going over in my head how I could have handled this different but after talking with Mike we both agreed there really was no way that would have turned out any differently.

I hadn't slept well and was exhausted but I got my butt up and went to Marie's soccer game. Sadly they lost 6 to 0. I wish I had been able to be at last weeks game when she got a goal and they only lost by a point. Hopefully next weeks game will be better for her. After the game we went out to breakfast and then went to Walmart for some grocery shopping. Kevin headed off to hang with friends and Mike and I headed down the road for our long walk. We got in 9.1 miles before it turned dark on us and pretty darn cold. I was glad to get in that much even though I had hoped for 10. I think we will be fine come next weekend.

Kevin's visit isn't going as well as I had hoped. He's still a teenager and I'm still the parent with the same old rules lol. He kept my car out all night last night and didn't call. Truthfully had he called or even texted me at any point it would have all been fine. But then he didn't even answer his phone this morning at 9am when I called and then rolls in at 11:30 like nothing is wrong. So I told him I felt like he just didn't give a crap and we didn't talk for several hours. I went to my room for awhile and he went to help Mike at the cottage. Mike came over at one point and I let my feelings out to him about just feeling like Kevin didn't care and that he could take him to the airport tomorrow if Kevin couldn't even say he was sorry because really that's all I was looking for nothing more.

Later Kevin came in and I told him all it would have took was a call/text or an "I'm sorry" at any point and he apologized and we hugged and cried and he said he wasn't good with words. I tried to make him understand that even when he's 50 I'll still have the same old rules lol. I told him it's just common courtesy to call period and it's not even a parent/child thing. Hopefully he got it, sad it had to happen on his first weekend home though. We will talk more about it on his way to the airport tomorrow I'm sure. I just keep feeling like there is more going on with him and he's not talking. Hopefully tomorrow he will a bit more. It's still great seeing him even if it isn't just how I'd hoped.

Mike, Marie and Kevin are off to the movies to see Reel Steel and Nicholas and I are here hanging out. I just felt pretty drained emotionally today. I did make protein bars and dinner for us all and that was nice.

I'll just be happy when I have some of this extra stuff off my plate. I'm hoping the cottage (rental) will be done by the end of this week and then Saturday is the half marathon so having that over will be good too. I'm going to do my best though to really feel the accomplishment of it and the other 9 people doing it with Mike and I because knowing they are all accomplishing it for the first time really makes me feel good for them too.

I'm tracking my food still and I've noticed the past 3 days I've gotten very few fruits and veggies in me. I'm hoping tomorrow I can do better. I seem to eat more fruits and veggies during the week anyway. I think tonight I will put some veggies in the oven to roast so I'll have some for a few days. I'm still doing well over all though and feeling good about food and exercise. I'm hoping the scale will continue to drift down even if it does seem like a snails pace. I'm hoping this weeks TOPS meeting will help motivate everyone too. I hate that I won't be able to be there but I think Mike really needs it too. I will be glad when soccer is over so we can get back to our usual Wednesday night routine, I miss Mike and I going together.

Well I better go put on some veggies and some laundry. Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Till next time...

My Oldest Is Coming Home

2011-10-07T14:02:00.000-04:00

Tonight I will be going and picking Kevin up from the airport. I spoke with him a few minutes on the phone last night. It seems we've both been in our own little worlds the last few weeks and we haven't touched base much but I hope when we see each other tonight we both know we've definitely missed each other. I can say that Kevin is the one person in my life that understands so much more than anyone else in my household. He lived a crappy childhood so he knows what a pretty good life feels like in comparison. I think we both have managed to make the best of our past and have pushed on into our future.

It's hard to believe he's out on his own now. Everyday I think of him at one point or another yet we've all fallen into a routine now of being without him. I'm hoping when he comes home it will feel like coming home and not coming as a visitor though I know eventually it will feel that way for him I'm sure. But I hope not yet.

Marie is going to ride with me tonight to the airport. It's a 2 hour drive each way so it's going to be a long night with his flight not coming in till 11:55pm. I might have to take a nap after work since I didn't get much sleep last night.

Yesterday after work I walked about 3 miles before going to the cottage to work. I just felt I needed that for myself and my body. I'm glad I did because it definitely made me feel better mentally. Mike and I got quite a bit done and even Marie came over and helped some. It feels good making progress. I'm hoping Kevin won't feel like a work horse when he gets home. I don't plan on asking him to do much while he's here.

My arms were really tender last night and I think that's why I couldn't sleep very well. I'm sure it's from all the stretching to scrub cabinets and the siding (scrubbed off green algae stuff). I got a lot done though and the outside is definitely looking better too, got the porch all cleaned. I figure if we work a few hours each day we should have it done in less than a week.

Tomorrow Marie has a soccer game so she's looking forward to Kevin being there to watch her since he always tried to see her play. Then Mike and I plan on walking 10 miles since Kevin has plans with his friends for the day and evening. Sunday will be doing some stuff at the cottage and then I plan on cooking and us all spending the evening together. It should be a nice weekend. I take Kevin back to the airport on Monday morning for a 12:15pm flight.

My weight was up a lb this morning. I definitely think lack of sleep is a huge factor for me on the scale since I've been eating really good and tracking every bite. I'm still feeling really good about my weight though and getting back down the scale. I'm hopeful by the end of the month to be back in leeway. When I look in the mirror I am seeing a normal size person and liking what I see. It feels good to feel that way everyday and not just sometimes.

Still haven't heard from my girlfriend, feeling like my email and flowers were a parting gift though I hope not forever. I'm feeling sad over it all. Mostly that she feels I went out of my way to hurt her which surely wasn't my intention.

My niece offered to watch the kids for us next Friday/Saturday for the half Marathon. Marie I know will love getting to hang out with the baby, her and Nick haven't seen her yet. She's a cute little thing for sure. My coworkers are suppose to ride up with us Friday so I'm plotting out our plan to drop the kids off, get our race packets, check into the hotel, and go have dinner somewhere at the Inner Harbor.

Nick has an appt with the oral surgeon today. Evidently his wisdom teeth are coming in on him already so he might have to get them pulled before they start moving his teeth around. After spending $5k on braces I sure don't want that to happen. Always something going on with the kids lol. Marie is off on a field trip to DC today. One of her classmates gets to speak at a big church thing up there so she was all excited about that today. I'm sure she'll have a nice time.

Well I better get off here. Thanks again for all the comments.

Till next time...

I'm First on My List

2011-10-06T11:10:00.000-04:00

My best friend is still on my mind today. I didn't get an email or a call from her. I'm trying to be ok with that. I'm just hoping a confrontation isn't coming my way in the next day or two. I'm hoping she saw my email and flowers as what they were meant to be, a gesture of love and apology for hurting her in any way.

After thinking about the whole thing the past 2 days I realize that she wants to change me and that once she has something in her head she will fight you to the end to prove she's right. But she can't fight me on my own feelings. At times she's actually convinced me that subconsciously I've done things but after a lot of thought I realize it's not true. I think I've done a ton of mental work on myself in the past several years. I also realize that now I do put myself first and for the people in my life that has been hard at times. It's not what they are use to. Like with Mike I know he said back in the beginning of my journey "I didn't sign up for this" and he's right. But together we have talked things through and made it all work. We have also grown closer.

But with my best friend I don't know if that's possible. I don't feel I can tell her how I feel because I don't want to hurt her or make things any worse than they already are for her. She's going through so much now. I want her to have a listener in me and not someone that confronts her all the time, though that is what she does to me, she wants to fix me. Well I feel I've already done plenty of fixing. Sure I have more to do but that has to come in my time when I'm ready. I also know that after a long time in therapy we have to fly on our own for awhile at some point. This is my time to fly solo.

What all this has made me realize too is that maybe she's right we just need a break from our friendship. Maybe down the road she will be able to look at me and realize I don't want to hurt her. That I do love and care about her and want all good things for her. I'd like to think she wants that for me too. Sometimes though 2 people trigger each other to much to be able to give each other what they need and distancing (limiting) is the only thing they can do.

It makes me sad to think I have done that with my friend, my sisters, my father and my mother. But it's what has allowed me to heal myself. At least enough to get to where I am today. Do I still have issues, of course I do. But I also know I'm doing ok. I also know that I come first (and God of course) and then Mike and the kids come second and beyond that it's whatever and whoever I want to put in my life.

Bottom line I want to feel happy in my life and right now my friend doesn't make me feel that way. It makes me sad that it's that way but it is. I hope at some point we can change that because 35 yrs of friendship is definitely worth saving. But for now I just have to put it out of my mind and move on to the next thing I need to do for myself to be content and happy in my life.

Last night was TOPS, I'm still several lbs above my leeway though this morning I did see 183 on the scale. I don't know if that number will continue to go down but I'm hopeful. I've been staying clear of process foods and really trying hard to stay within a decent calorie range. With working at the cottage and other things I'm not getting in the exercise I usually do but I'm still feeling really good about my food plan. Last night we had a new couple come and I'm hoping they will join next week. I talked about the exchange program and getting back to the basics so we will see how everyone does this week staying clear of process foods and journaling their food. I'm hopeful we will have a really successful week next week on the scale.

Tonight it's working over at the cottage again for Mike and I. I have plenty to do around outside of the cottage too so I'm hoping by Sunday we will have it pretty far along so that maybe early next week I can put an ad out for it. I'm crossing my fingers renting it will go quickly this time.

Tomorrow I go pick Kevin up from the airport at midnight. I'm excited about seeing him. It will be great having him home a few days.

Thanks for all your comments lately they mean a lot to me. I'm grateful everyday that I started this blog. It's definitely been a huge help to me in the past 3+ yrs. Sending out hugs to everyone today.

Till next time...

Being a Limited Friend

2011-10-05T12:52:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had a long conversation with my best friend and it was clear she wasn't happy with me. She felt I had went out of my way to not be there for her when the family and I went to the ocean a few weeks ago. I of course didn't see it that way but I did realize that I had made a conscious choice to tell her I thought it best if her and her foster kids didn't come at the same time because I felt my family needed some family time.

I feel all my life I've not said how I feel and I've let others guilt me or make me feel bad. Which of course is what happened during our conversation yesterday. But as I gave thought to it all I realized that I was just doing what I thought would be best for me and would make me happy. I did nothing wrong.

Was I being a "limited" friend to her, yes, I was. But it wasn't out of meanness or spite, or resentment or any of the other things she accused me of. It was just me taking care of me in the best way I thought I should. But it all made me realize that I'm a limited friend. I know she could have used my company and was struggling with her stuff. But I will confess hearing about her childhood trama and current stuff is hard on me. I feel for her so much, I've cried many times for her. But I know really I can only do so much. I know we trigger each other sometimes after 35 yrs of friendship. I feel like a crappy friend to her for not being there that weekend but I also realize that where I've been myself lately I did need to "put my oxygen mask on first" or I wasn't going to be any good even for myself.

Today I got up and wrote her an email. I don't know if she will email back, really it doesn't matter. I also sent her flowers. What I did today was heart felt and to hopefully make her realize that the choices I make are for me and not in any way to hurt her. I think now I can let it all go.

I feel like I'm doing well the past week. I'm feeling good mentally even with everything going on. I know it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and keeping on trucking forward. My food has been good and though the exercise has been lacking it's been good enough and I find when the food is good other things just fall in place. Something the retreat director said that definitely is true is that when we eat good foods we feel good and though I've always known that it was nice being reminded.

Tonight is TOPS and my plan is to get the rest of the folks on board with eating right. My goal is just one week, to journal our food and eat balanced and within our calorie amount. I'm hoping next week we will all come to the meeting with a loss :) It's definitely been a back to basics week for me all the way around.

Mike and I went and worked over at the rental last night. Even Marie came over and pitched in and helped mop the floors for me. I got all the cabinets cleaned and tomorrow will work on the stove and fridge. The renters left behind quite a few things in the kitchen so I keep thinking they meant to come back and finish cleaning but then ran out of time. I really want to give them back their whole deposit even though they didn't clean up very well. I just appreciated that they paid on time and were good neighbors for the 20 months they lived there. I will probably call them the end of the week.

I took Nick to the doctors today, he's been sick several days now. Of course when we decide to go to the doctors the kids always feel better lol. So he will be back to school tomorrow. Doc said he had a virus and though he still has a cough he's definitely looking better. I'm guessing he's home now playing xbox living up his last few hours of being home alone lol.

Well hope everyone has a great week.

Till next time...

Busy Times

2011-10-04T17:01:00.000-04:00

It's been really busy for me lately and I've been eating out a lot. Of course that shows up on the scale. The scale has been up on me lately anyway so I'm not feeling very good about it. But I'm continuing to stay clear of the sweets and I'm hanging in there and making a plan.

Yesterday I started making a daily menu for Mike and I and packing our food for work each day (which I do for myself anyway) and I can see a difference in all areas because of it. I'm sleeping better for one. The cold meds might be helping with that but I'm seeing a difference which is important. I think my lack of sleep is a biggie when it comes to the scale for me.

My TOPS fall rally went well on Saturday. It was very motivating for everyone and it was nice getting to see folks I hadn't seen since April. Our current Maryland king who is one of my half marathoners informed me he's been training to run the half in 2 weeks. I was really happy for him but I must admit a bit envious since that had been my plan before I decided to have my second surgery in July. But I told him if he was running it this year then next year he could do the full marathon with me :) He said he'd think about it. My plan has always been to do the full marathon in 2012 so I'm going to do my best to stick with that plan. I mean after all I have a full year to train for it. It will mean running part of it but it's definitely doable.

Here's all us TOPS area captains, our state coordinator and the retreat director

I also realize that this extra 10 lbs will come off but more than that I am still in good shape. I have taken care of myself through these past 4 yrs and it does show. I am a strong person and a healthy one and really that was my goal anyway, not to be thin. I know I have said it before but the past few days I've actually been believing it again. Positive thinking is really the most important thing in life.

Yesterday was my 3 month follow up with the plastic surgeon. I wanted to make sure he knew that I appreciated all his work on me. I didn't want to make the visit about complaining about what I didn't like, though he was great and said I was allowed to complain too lol. We talked about if I ever wanted to have more work done he didn't care when it was he would do it as a revision which I thought was nice of him. That's still not peanuts (probably comes out to about half price) but it's definitely less than what it would be. I don't see myself having anything revised but it's nice to dream lol. I'm adjusting to myself more and more each day and I know that will continue.

As I was heading up the road yesterday I tried calling my best friend. We were suppose to have dinner together but I couldn't reach her so I called my niece (Kevin's sister). She moved to Baltimore a few weeks ago and I haven't seen her since April. So after my appt I headed to her new place and got to see her, her husband and the baby. It was so nice getting to see her and the little one. I'm hoping now that she's back in Baltimore I will get to see her more often.

I think as I drop this 10 lbs I will find myself feeling better too. It's not about the 10 lbs either but more just about getting back to eating right and exercising like I'm use to. It always makes me feel better when I'm doing the right things for myself. With all that's been going on lately I just haven't been in my usual routine and I know that getting back to it will help. I think helping Mike by planning and packing his food will definitely help him too. He's been bouncing around the same 10 lbs himself for the past year and I know he's ready to start heading down the scale again. We are both feeling more positive and motivated.

We didn't get in our 12 miles on Sunday. It was 51 degrees and rainy. Not that I'm making excuses we just made the choice to do 6 miles and head back home. Neither of us feel bad about it and we hope to get in 10 miles this weekend. I think from doing the half last year we know what to expect and I think we are in good enough shape to be just fine if we only walk up to 10 miles a few times. Less than 2 weeks now till the half marathon. I'm just ready to have it here :) I think my fellow marathoners are feeling the same way :)

Tonight Mike and I are going to go over and work on the rental. Mike and Nick got some painting done over the weekend which was good. I plan on cleaning the kitchen real good tonight. They didn't leave the stove clean at all on the inside so will have to get some oven cleaner. Over all it's not terrible have seen it left in way worse shape. Our new flooring we put in before these renters hasn't held up as well as we had hoped. It has separated pretty badly by the gas heater in the livingroom so I will have to spend time caulking the gaps everywhere :( Hopefully it won't look terrible when I'm done. We had to do that a little bit in the bedroom when we first did it when the temps got to cold in there. It seems the flooring does poorly in fluctuating temps. At our house we have it in the kids rooms and it's held up great. Anyway, there's quite a lot of work to be done so this week I'm going to be focusing and working on that and so I won't be going to the gym.

Friday I pick Kevin up from the airport. I'm very much looking forward to seeing him. We haven't heard from him much so I'm thinking he must have some girls he's talking to because that's usually when us parents get put on the sidelines lol. I know it's just a young man being a young man, chasing the skirts lol. I do hope we will get some quality time together though at least.

At the end of the month I'm going to be working at a health convention in DC helping man a TOPS booth. I'm excited about, my first paying gig :) Since I used all my vacation up though I'm not sure if I will get to stay the full 5 days or might just have to stay 4. Either way it should be an exciting experience for me. This is the largest health convention in the US (APHA American Public Health Association) and it's the 139th annual meeting and expo, pretty cool.

Hope everyone is having a good week.

Till next time...

Knowing I Can Do Anything

2011-09-30T12:09:00.000-04:00

Knowing I can do anything is what I've learned over the past 4 yrs. Sure I've had so many ups and downs I've lost count but I always pick myself back up. As I read around blog world I realize I'm not alone, that we all have our struggles and we all keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward.

The scale said 188 this morning, it's a number at least 10 lbs above what I've been use to seeing in the past year, almost two. But I know that 188 isn't going to stay there. I know I can make it go back down I just have to put myself back in the "I can do anything" mind frame and get to work.

At my TOPS meeting this week we had a retreat director speak. She was very inspiring and she made me think about how I got to today. How I managed to shed my extra weight and that it's just about frame of mind and sticking to the basics (staying positive, eating healthy and exercising). She talked about accepting ourselves and I have come to realize that is my biggest hurdle but I know I can do anything so if I put my mind to it I can learn to accept every part of myself. She also talked about journaling and looking back through what you write to see those days that were successful. So I did just that the other day, looked back through my years of blogging and realized I had determination no matter what life threw at me. That I just went along doing the right thing for myself and I made progress, it might have been slow but it was steady progress.

So yesterday when I got to work and I was faced with a box of donuts I told myself no. I opened the lid, took a deep breath in and enjoyed the smell but I then closed the lid, got my cup of tea and ate my homemade pumpkin/cranberry protein bar and I felt good. It meant one more right step in the right direction. Work was busy for me yesterday and I ended up working till almost 8pm. But I had my healthy lunch and healthy snacks and I just kept saying no to those donuts and that candy bowl. Then I got home and though I was dog tired I changed clothes and headed to the gym. I worked out for almost 2 hours and then I drug my tired butt home. Had some quality time *wink wink* with Mike and tried to sleep.

But sleep didn't come for me as seems to be the case far to often. I've also been fighting a cold this week which isn't helping with a constant runny nose at night. Anyway, here I sit with just 3 hours of sleep after eating my healthy breakfast and health lunch. I'm still feeling good mentally and to me that's the most important part.

Today J picks me up at 2pm and we head up the road (3 hour drive) for the TOPS Fall rally. It's going to be an exhausting, inspiring, motivational Saturday for me and about 200 others. I'm going to continue to remind myself that I can do anything and the best thing is doing the right thing, the healthy thing. My plan tonight after I get to the hotel is to find a place I can take a walk. They have an exercise room at the hotel so it might just be on the treadmill. But I will do it and I know it will make me feel good.

As for the food, I'm done letting it control me. I'm the one in charge and I'm going to keep reminding myself of that.

Here's to a great weekend.

Till next time...

Life is about Living

2011-09-28T11:57:00.000-04:00

Life is about living, it's not about constantly thinking about food or what I can and can't have. It's not about anxiety or getting in enough exercise (which really I don't mind the exercise part since it helps with the anxiety). But I just want to go along day after day feeling good about myself. Don't get me wrong, some days I feel great about myself. Really most days I look in the mirror now and think I look pretty good for my age and the life I've had.

I need to just be grateful everyday for every good thing in my life. Yet I can't seem to get rid of the negative stuff in my head. That constant inner voice telling me I'm not good enough, that I haven't conquered what I set out to conquer. Yet when I look at my life I know I've done well for myself over all.

I want happiness EVERYDAY. Isn't it just a choice? Of course it is. Just like what I put in my mouth is a choice. So why can't I choose everyday to be happy and not worry about the little things. 5, 10, 15 even 20 lbs isn't going to bring back the morbidly obese me. It isn't going to bring back the depressed me who didn't enjoy the sunshine or a long walk down my favorite road. This "generally" happier me is here to stay I'd like to think. Yet that old me still lurks within. I know she's not going away. I also know I'm not 2 people, I'm just me.

So I'm going to stop telling myself I'm swimming backwards and I'm going to start enjoying the moment NOW. I'm going to take each choice, each moment and enjoy it. I've said it lots of times that when I do the right thing for myself is when I feel the happiest (the best) so that's what I'm going to do right NOW.

Tonight is my big TOPS meeting with all our local chapters invited. I wonder how many people we will have. I know it will help boost my mood and make me realize how people look to me for motivation and inspiration and how that can also lift me up. I think right now I need that a lot. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone and just enjoying the evening.

Friday I head up the road for our annual TOPS Fall rally. It's just a day thing but since it's 3 hours up the road I'll be staying over night with J. It should be another motivating inspirational time for me.

Here's to a great day for everyone.

Till next time...

Therapy at the Ocean

2011-09-26T11:38:00.001-04:00

Well our trip was great. Sure I would have liked more sunshine and less rain but we made the best of it. I didn't have a moment of anxiety (well maybe when Marie was out in the rough ocean lol) and I just enjoyed being away from everything and with the family having quality time.

I stuck with my no sweets rule through the whole time and though it was tough at times it felt really rewarding to be able to write that today on here. I can't say I ate great because eating out 2 meals a day does run up the calories. But we biked and walked miles so I think it all balanced itself out in the end.

A picture of Mike from our balcony (he looks so young)

Though our hotel was far from the ritz I can say that the balcony made up for a lot of it's short comings. We had a great view and we all sat out on the balcony for hours during our long weekend. We would feed the seagulls too which I'm guessing some might not have been happy at us about but I just love feeding them. Marie and I even gave our favorites names like drifter and whitey and they seemed able to catch food from us on cue lol.

The kids and I on the boardwalk (I missed Kevin being there)

I can't say I felt like I looked the best with my frizzy mess of hair lol but I did feel good. Hard to believe how tall Nick has gotten, seems like he was just shorter than me a few months ago (he was) lol. My babies are growing up on me.

We left the house on Thursday around 6:30pm and after stopping for dinner made it to our hotel at about 11pm. The first room they put us in was on the 6th floor (highest floor) and I wasn't happy with not having a covered balcony so I decided to just ask them if we could change and they gladly gave us a new room one floor down. I was so happy I made that decision. We had some trouble with our electronic key cards and after 3 tries and another room later we finally got in our room. The hotel was kind of dated (dumpy) but it had everything we needed (microwave, fridge, hot water and beds) and like I said the balcony made up for a lot of it. Plus it was right on the boardwalk (10th street) which made it great too.

Friday we got up and went to breakfast on the boardwalk. It was great going to a place and sitting outside. Thankfully the rain held off on Friday till the evening for us. After breakfast we tried to rent a surrey but we were to late, evidently because of the sunfest you couldn't bike on the boardwalk past noon. So we walked down the boardwalk to the kids favorite arcade. Nick's best friend and his family were at the ocean this weekend too which definitely helped us out since I was starting to wonder if Nick's plan was to just torture us all weekend with his teenage discontent lol. Marie and I went down to the water and splashed around with our feet a bit. It was COLD and I definitely knew I wasn't getting in.

After Nick's buddy arrived he was much happier and they all went back into the arcade and us adults sat out on a bench near the beach and talked. I like Dylan's folks and have known them a long time since Dylan and Nick have been best friends since kindergarten. After what seemed like hours at the arcade we parted ways with Dylan and his family and went down to the inlet to the sunfest stuff but of course the kids weren't much interested so I really didn't get to see much of anything lol. Not that I needed to spend any money anyway. After that we got rained on so went back to the hotel. We were all pretty exhausted by then. Marie, Mike and I went out to dinner and we just brought Nick something back. Marie, Mike and I tested out the small dated indoor pool but didn't last but about 30 mins in it since we all thought it was kind of yucky lol. So before we knew it we were all sleeping by 9:30pm, such party animals that we are lol.

Saturday we got up earlier so we could rent a surrey. I can't say it was the best hour with the kids lol. It really made me miss Kevin since he was always our surrey driver and made it fun for Nick and Marie with his going fast and weaving in and out of the people. Nick and Marie kind of complained through our whole hour and Mike and I did most of the pedaling since the kids didn't want to help especially after Nick got his shoelace caught in the spokes. Mike and I kept wishing we had a 2 person surrey. After breakfast we met up with Dylan and his family and played some miniature golf. The first game was fun but by the second game it was kind of a chore to keep the kids moving through the course lol.

After that we let Nick go off with Dylan and his family and Mike and I took Marie down to the water since she wanted to get in the ocean even though it was super foggy and rainy. Mike and I sat in our folding chairs with our umbrellas while our crazy child weathered the waves. I wouldn't let her go in past her calves since the waves were BIG. I think she would have stayed out there all day but it was COLD and we didn't want her sick or drug out to sea lol.

After that Marie and I went out to dinner while Mike waited for Nick to be returned lol. After that Mike and I decided to go down to the bar below the hotel and have a few drinks. I am a nervous nilly so of course I left lots of instructions for the kids of the don'ts lol and we headed out. We ended up with a nice group of folks to talk to. When they all headed off we headed to a bar that had a live band that played rock music like the old days, stuff we grew up on. It was also an older crowd and Mike loved it and actually danced and we ended up dancing for hours and had a great time. I can say it was really the first time Mike and I danced other than slow dancing :)

Sunday we got up, got packed up and checked out. We rented a bike for Marie for a hour and the rest of us walked the boardwalk. I did ride her bike for a few minutes, it was a lot of fun though I was a little nervous with all the people. It did make me think maybe getting a bike one of these days wouldn't be a bad idea. After that we headed on home. The trip was great but getting home felt great too. The kitties were happy to see us too :)

Today it's back to work. I sent coach Erin an email yesterday after I got home. I had forgotten to wear my directlife most of the weekend and hadn't tracked my food. I had given her last email a lot of thought where she said I do know myself well with food and exercise and just everything. That is how it's suppose to be after all with a new life style change. It made me realize too that I was feeling pretty stressed out about food and exercise last week and I don't want that for myself. So I told her that though I plan on continuing to journal my food and wear the directlife I'm going to do it less strict so that I can let the anxiety go. Today I'm eating well and feeling well and really that is what it's about. I do think I need more accountability these days but I also know that stress does affect me (and my weight) and I don't need more of that on me.

Well I've written a book here and better get back to work. I almost didn't post any pictures today but figured good picture day or bad that is me and I do want to share my life with everyone or I wouldn't be blogging. I still need to take some pictures that I'm happy with and post them. Will try to do that soon.

Till next time...

New Yet Old Frame Of Mind

2011-09-22T11:05:00.000-04:00

The first day back on directlife and journaling my food reminded me of old times when I was in weight loss mode and doing the basics. Actually it was even better than that since I knew I would be sending my food journal to Coach Erin. I think it made all the difference in the world knowing she would be looking over my food. It helped me to rethink everything I put in my mouth.

It also made me notice things that I knew I did but hadn't paid attention to lately. Like I'm a grazer and though some might think that's a bad thing for me it's a good one because then I'm never overly hungry so I don't go crazy. I also noticed that I am a bit of a sneak eater. I always knew that about myself when it came to sweets but it really is that way for me with everything. I'm also a nibbler that when I'm in the kitchen I tend to want to nibble at stuff before dinner is done. I think just being more aware of all that is a good thing. I think too I can put into play the "am I hungry?" question and probably eat less too as most of the time I'm not hungry.

Monday night was nice at Marie's soccer practice. Mike and I took her together and we walk for a hour and got to talk too. Always nice spending time like that together and getting in some good quality time. Maybe we can start taking her together more often.

The scale is still up. It's really starting to freak me out. For me, stress really does play a huge part in my weight. I'm hoping by the end of the month to be back into at least my TOPS leeway. I have never been above 183 till this past month since I became a KOPS in Dec 09, it's not a good feeling.

I was feeling good about getting back in the right frame of mind and keeping myself focused on my goals. On the directlife site I have set my goal weight for 169 by April. That is about 1/2 a lb a week so very doable with really minimum restrictions for me. It's just about staying focused and really wanting it. I've questioned in the past if I really wanted to lose 10 (or 15) more lbs and I realise I do.

But I'm still struggling. I'm also realizing that knowing someone is looking at my food kind of freaks me out and makes my anxiety a lot higher which makes me want to eat more. Truthfully it's a lot of little things making my anxiety higher and making me want to turn to food. Last night I broke down and took a half a Xanax and you know I slept like a baby for the first time in weeks, maybe months. It felt good and though I have no plans of making Xanax my sleeping crutch I do see where when the anxiety isn't so high my mind is at ease and I'm more peaceful.

Mike and I made it to TOPS last night and because my weight is so up I didn't weigh in. Mike did though and his weight has crept up about 8 lbs from his low weight (last year around this time). I know it's bothering him as my weight gain is bothering me. I know we both need to get a handle on it. I know for myself it's definitely getting rid of the anxiety but right now I'm not sure how. I think a lot of it is related to having so many things coming up for me and also our renters moving at the end of the month. The whole renting process is stressful for me worrying over making a good next choice or even having folks come and look at the place. We will have cleaning and painting and repairing to get done in short order before anyone can even look at the place too.

I know it will all work out, it always does. I just have to try to ease my mind and just keep doing what I've been doing.

This weekend away at the ocean I'm hoping will help all of us relax some and just enjoy ourselves. I'm hoping it won't rain on us the whole weekend. I have looked at the forecast and it's not looking to good. But I'm going to bring umbrellas and just make the best of it. I'm going to get out and about no matter what. I'm crossing my fingers for at least some sunshine though.

Well I have work to get done by the end of the day and packing to do when I get home so I better get a move on.

Till next time...

Trying Directlife Again

2011-09-19T16:33:00.000-04:00

Boy did my pumpkin/cranberry bars taste good this morning. I know Mike prefers the banana/peanut butter ones but the pumpkin just seem healthier to me plus they are a bit easier to make since there aren't as many ingredients plus they are lower in calories. Anyway, I really enjoyed it this morning with some coffee.

I didn't sleep well at all last night, I was up 4 times peeing. I guess that's what I get for drinking 3 cups of coffee (decaf) before bed. I ended up sleeping in some this morning so didn't get here to work till 9:15am. I'm thankful things are flexible here.

I'm feeling good about my no sugar/processed foods pledge to myself and I feel very gungho about this week and getting the weight back down. I didn't mention but it's TTOM too which I didn't think was due yet. I am only 44 but sometimes I wonder if I'm not going through "the change" since my period seems to come and go when it feels like it.

Only 4 days till our beach weekend, I'm excited. I sure hope the weather holds up for us and we have a sunny weekend. I looked at the 10 day forecast and it looks like we might get some rain while we're there. But the weather people seldom seem to get things right so I'm crossing my fingers as the week goes by things will look better. Regardless I'm going to do plenty of walking, biking and sight seeing rain or shine.

I bought reading glasses yesterday and I'm using them today so I can see my drawings better and I have to say I have a headache now :( Not sure what's worse, struggling to read stuff or having a headache. Maybe as I get use to them I won't have this problem. Feeling kind of yucky on my stomach too now :(

Tonight Marie has soccer practice, it's definitely my turn to take her so I should get in plenty of walking tonight. Mike emailed me and said maybe we could go together so we both can walk.

I had a shooting pain in my right boob last night trying to sleep. Not sure what that's about hopefully it won't keep doing it but it's kind of there today too. I think it's probably just muscles loosening up in there and maybe shifting a bit. From what I've read it can take months (even a year) for the implants to settle. The right one is still higher and to the side more than I would like. I still have quite a bit of loose skin on the bottom of my breasts and on the sides of me (at the bra line) too. I'm adjusting to it all though and know I will always have some things I don't like all that much. I've had some aches and pains in the stomach area the past several days too and have felt very bloated. I'm guessing it's from my week of not eating all that well. Hopefully this week will get me feeling better all the way around.

I mentioned that my Directlife coach Erin had emailed me a few days ago so I plugged in my directlife over the weekend and today I started wearing it again. It's a little thing, similar to a pedometer that tracks your activity. They now also have a weight input feature on the website so I've decided that's where my focus is going to be. I emailed Erin today and told her I was going to start sending her my food journal daily. When I was losing my weight I never had anyone ever look at what I ate. I did keep a food journal on and off throughout my weight loss but this will be the first time to share it with someone. I really think it will be the added kick I need to drop these extra lbs. I'm pretty excited about it all and looking forward to any suggestions Erin might have for me.

The weather change has me congested. It started Friday but is even worse today. I've been using my nettipot the past few days but it doesn't really seem to be helping. Going to see if I have any allergy meds at the house when I get home, tired of my nose running today lol. Sure hope I don't come down sick before the weekend that would stink, keeping positive thoughts.

Got a nice surprise today, bossman came around and gave everyone a bonus. I've said it before, seems like God is always watching out for me when times are tough, sure couldn't have come at a better time.

Till next time...

My Doctor and Feeling Better

2011-09-18T22:53:00.000-04:00

What doctor tells their patient that has lost 200 lbs to "eat some chocolate, treat yourself" lol. But that's exactly what my doctor recommended to me when I went in to see her on Friday for the prescription for Xanax. She said that when serotonin is low in the body it can increase anxiety. Which when I looked online, she's right. But.... after reading this I thought she could have suggested some of these other things instead of chocolate.

I have questioned staying with this physician before but this really did make me wonder what the heck she even knows about me. I tried to explain that sugar is an issue for me so turning to chocolate to get the anxiety under control would only increase my anxiety. The nurse had suggested going to the gym which as you all know I do often and I told her as much.

Anyway, it was a weird talk with the doc and it left me feeling yet again that she doesn't remember much about me after seeing me for about 8 or so years now. But she did give me a prescription for 15 pills and said that should last me a few months which I'm guessing it will last at least that long if not longer. After leaving her office I called Mike up and we laughed about her chocolate comment.

My anxiety has been even higher lately with the whole "get drugs" thing going through my head. Really I don't want to start using anything for my anxiety I just want to conquer it but I will pick up my prescription and have it if I really feel the need for it.

Saturday was the 10 mile walk I had planned with some of my half marathon TOPS folks. There ended up being 6 of us and though we started our walk in the rain thankfully the rain stopped and we managed to finish our 10 miles even though we were all kind of damp and cold. Some were making comments about they didn't think they could do 3 more miles but I'm sure come marathon day they will be just fine. I was so proud of everyone especially since 4 of the walkers are over 60 yrs old (one is 68).

Today I went to an arts festival with one of my co-workers (she also did the walk with me yesterday). It was a lot of fun getting to see all the paintings, pottery, crafts, jewelery that were there. I was proud of myself that I didn't buy a thing. I did see the artist that I met a few years ago that I love his work. He said he still had a numbered print of the painting I love (a cart of beautiful purple, pink, blue flowers out in a field). Maybe one of these days I will have it hanging on my wall :)

After I got home I had the urge to go to the gym even after all those hours of walking around at the festival and 10 miles yesterday. I got there and after 10 mins on the treadmill I realized I really wasn't up for working out lol. So I left and went to Walmart and did some shopping. It was good for me to realize that in spite of not going to the gym this past week I've had LOTS of exercise with all the walking I've been doing.

I had a little talk with myself about all the anxiety and food. I have told myself no sweets this week PERIOD. Also, I will not have any processed foods. So I've got my good soup thawing for lunch tomorrow and plan on eating plenty of fruit to curb the sweet tooth. I've had a really good day with food today (as always seems to be Sundays) and I got some pumpkin/cranberry protein bars made so I'm all ready for the week. Oh, I finally found pumpkin at the store, they only had big cans so I bought all 8 cans they had so I felt great about that now I have a pretty good stock.

I'm really feeling good about the week ahead. I feel like I'm back to the basics and that always makes me feel good.

Oh, I started taking my arthritis meds on Friday night and I have to say I'm SOOOO happy I made the decision to go see the Orthopedic doc and get a prescription. I do think it's what's going to make the difference for my left knee issue that's been going on. It also has helped with the left ankle pain I was having after my long walks. I got up this morning with no pain at all, a good feeling.

I wish I had another day off but I only have 4 days to work this week till we are leaving for our mini beach vacation. I'm really looking forward to it a lot. I do have a lot of work to get done in the next 4 days and I'm going to do my best to hit it hard and get it done.

As for the sleep issues, still having them but I'm hoping tonight I will sleep. My plan for that is to take a melatonin tonight and see if that helps. It seemed like they did a little and then I stopped taking them, duh lol.

I'm feeling better and that's a good feeling.

Till next time...

Making Strides but Falling Apart a Bit

2011-09-16T13:05:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm making strides in the mental area the past week or so but I'm also falling apart a bit in other areas. I'm pretty exhausted today. I haven't slept well most of the week and I'm just plain tired. I'm trying my best to sort out some more emotional stuff that seems to be driving me to eat at night. I've been in the candy bowl too. The weight is up and I'm feeling full of anxiety.

Today I head to the doctors to talk to her about a prescription for Xanax. I keep wondering how it will fit in my life and how I will use it to my benefit without it making me feel crazy or drugged. Maybe I won't use it at all but just have it sit there to look at when I find myself feeling full of anxiety and knowing I'll be ok. Like I've said I'm not one for drugs so it's tough for me. Not to mention I don't want to feel crazy. Plus what will my doctor say or think? Then the weight gain and getting on the scale there. I'm feeling like I don't want to talk about anything. Then I wonder if I should get my blood pressure taken with my arms still feeling very tender. Hmmm things things things on my mind.

I went to the knee doctor on Wednesday and that went well. He didn't make me get x-rays which I was glad about since I have to pay for everything myself with the super high insurance deductible. He made me step up on a stool a bunch of times and said my knees were actually very strong that way. It made me happy about all the step ups I've done at the gym in the past 2 years. He moved the legs all around too and was happy with my weight loss of course. He asked a few questions about the plastic surgery and seemed curious about it. He gave me the prescription for arthritis for a year and said in 3 months he wanted me to have blood work done to make sure it wasn't affecting my liver. Lets hope it doesn't, would hate to cause myself other problems by trying to make things better. Anyway, it was a good doctors visit.

I didn't go to the gym last night, for that matter I didn't go to the gym all week. I did walk 15 miles this week though but that just doesn't cut it in my world. But I was just tired last night and felt sleep would benefit me better yet then I still didn't sleep, got in about 6 hours of very broken sleep. Tonight I will probably walk after work. I just don't think I'm up for the gym and I know the sunshine benefits me emotionally. Maybe Mike and I will get to walk together which would be nice.

Tomorrow is Marie's first soccer game, her last 2 have been canceled because of rain. I hope it will be a beautiful day for her, she's excited about it. Mike and I are both going to take her. It's an early morning game at 8:30.

At 1pm tomorrow we are doing our 10 mile walk with our TOPS folks. It should be fun and it's suppose to be cooler so that's good. I'm looking forward to that too.

Sunday I think I'm going to get out in the yard and do some gardening. I can't believe how stuff has been blooming, I have yellow roses on my bush and pink azaleas in the front yard. I make sure I smell the roses everyday before I go in the house, it makes me happy :)

I still haven't went over to talk to the renters to congratulate them on the pregnancy or to talk about what I expect of them to get their deposit back (a clean fridge, stove and house). Hopefully they will do a good job for us so we can start showing the place quickly. I'm really hoping we can get it re-rented quickly. They were good renters and I will miss them.

Yesterday being all dressed up I felt pretty, it was a good feeling. Wish I felt better today. It's discouraging sometimes when I have a day of feeling good about myself and then the next day I'm down again. I wish I was more balanced. I have a feeling I'm not alone with this so I shouldn't feel bad.

Today I got an email from my directlife coach. I'm sure the long time readers remember I got a directlife monitor and coach for free a long time back. My coach changed though and then I've had my two surgeries and I kind of lost steam for it. But I'm thinking maybe it's just what I need to shake things up for myself and get me re motivated and back on track. I emailed coach Erin back and so will see how it goes. It would be nice to have the added support.

Well it's almost doctor time so I guess I better get going. Wish I was writing a more rah rah rah post today. I think most of my emotions are over the doctors appt. Maybe I will come back and post again to let you all know how it went.

Till next time...

Made it Through the Day

2011-09-15T22:37:00.000-04:00

I ended up taking the whole day off work today. I just felt like I should hang out with everyone so I did. The funeral went fine, as well as funerals can. My mom rode with me from the funeral home to the church and we had a real heart to heart. A conversation I should have had with her a few years ago when she sent the "I feel like I'm not your mother anymore" and "you don't care about anyone in Baltimore" letter she wrote me. I also talked about my childhood with her and told her how crappy I thought it was and how she was pretty much an absent parent but that I was thankful she kept a roof over my head and I gave her credit for the things she did do.

Anyway, I felt like it was a conversation I had to have if I wanted to start having a closer relationship again with my mom, which I do and I'm guessing she does. It felt good and she said I should have had this conversation with her back then and not waited all this time. I told her I didn't think I was ready back then but I was now. I think we both felt good I said all I said even if it was hard for her to hear.

It was really good seeing mom and my sister and spending time with my cousin and her family. After the funeral we all went back to Kim's house. It was the first time I had been in her house (my aunt's house) in about 16 yrs. When I walked in the kitchen and it looked so much the same I found myself standing there crying. I reminded me of how much I miss my aunt.

I decided to go get Nick and Marie after school since Kim hadn't seen Nicholas since he was like 18 months and she had never seen Marie. It felt so good to me to show my kids around that house and yard and feel like I was taking them back with me to a fond time in my life. I think they really enjoyed that with me. Nick said he couldn't believe that we had passed that house so many times and though I would point it out to them sometimes he had never been there before now. It made me a bit sad that I had waited so long to go back there and to take the kids.

It was just a good day with my family, no fights or disagreements. It made me realize I do need to try to see them all more. That I'm such a stronger person now and that I can say all the things I feel without it turning me into an emotional mess. That I can just be myself without being in knots inside. It also made me see so many good things in my sister and mom, the things I've been missing. I really think today is a new, closer start between me and my mom and me and my sister. Hopefully maybe a new friendship between me and my cousin too. I sure hope it won't be that many years till I see her and her family again.

I came home tonight feeling good but pretty exhausted. I fell into bed at like 7 but here I am awake already. I'm hoping I will be able to go back to sleep soon and sleep through the night. I really could use a good nights sleep.

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday, I'm ready for the weekend. It's been a long week for me.

Till next time...

Family and Acceptance

2011-09-15T04:39:00.001-04:00

It's 4am and here I sit awake. Woke up about 1:30 and haven't been able to go back to sleep so been reading and thinking. It's been an emotional few days for me. I've found myself tearing up a lot. Yesterday during work I was that way a lot after writing my post and I really felt like I wanted to talk to someone. So I tried calling my best friend on the way home. She didn't pick up.

After I got home I found Mike in bed sleeping. He hadn't slept much the night before and I guess needed a nap. So there I was with all this emotion inside and feeling pretty alone. Nick told me Mike had mentioned my uncle dying to him and before I knew it I was telling Nicholas the story of my aunt and uncle and cousin and how much they meant to me. I found myself starting to cry and Nicholas gave me a big hug. I was glad he was there. After that I headed out for a walk down my favorite road and I felt much better.

My sister called me after that and being on the phone with her made me realize so many things. It made me realize how much I've changed, how much anger I've let go of. I never really thought of myself as an angry person but the way she talked to and about her husband made me realize all her emotions really had nothing to do with him. It made me see how I would get like that back in the day and lash out at Mike and the kids because of my own internal anxiety I was having over something else. It made me see just how much I've grown in the past several years and how thankful I am. I wish my sister could find some of that peace inside.

Tonight after work I went to prayers for my uncle. I knew seeing my cousin would be heart felt for both of us. When I arrived, there was her son outside of the funeral home and I gave him a big hug. Then I went in to find Kim. To see my uncle laying in the casket was hard. I've decided when I pass away I either want a closed casket or just a box of ashes there. I think it's so much harder on the family having to see the shell of their loved one laying there. It's just to hard I think and unnecessary. Anyway, there was Kim and when she saw me we embraced each other tight and I told her how sorry I was about her dad. We stood there and talked about old times. It was funny she remembered all the same memories I did. She also talked about how my aunt would make us clothes and dress us alike :) though we really didn't look much alike :) It was really really good to see her and talk about old times and even better knowing she was happy to see me.

After that I went back outside to find her daughter and give her a hug since I hadn't seen her in years either. When Kim's 2 oldest kids were little I spent a lot of time with them because my aunt had them often. We had a lot of fun times together and though Kim's daughter doesn't remember to much her son definitely remembers good times with me. Seeing them and Kim just brought so many emotions to me. I think the biggest being regret. Regret that we have lived so close by each other all these years and we've not made an effort to see each other. I really do hope that can change. Hearing her talk and seeing her just made me realize how much I've missed with her and my family.

Made me think too that tomorrow I will see my oldest sister for the first time in almost a year and a half. I hate that it seems so hard for me to be around my family these days. I would like to change that. When I looked at Kim's little grandson and then another little baby that was there and saw the pictures of my uncle with Kim and all his grand kids and great grand kids I just thought "Isn't that what life's about?". Isn't it about the people we love? It made me know that tomorrow when I see my mom (who I haven't seen since January) and my sister I will for sure give them big hugs and tell them I love them. Regardless of anything else I do love them. What that means to me is I can make an effort.

I feel like with my sisters and my mom I've held resentments. The resentments of them not able to see themselves, see their flaws, take responsibility for anything. But thinking about it, loving someone is about loving them as they are, flaws and all, I sure have my own. I've known for a long time that is how things are, either you love someone for who they are or you cut them out of your life. As I saw my cousin and her kids and family and her step mom who I feel she's hated her whole life I still saw that because of her dad and the love for him she made the effort and there tonight listening to her talk about her dad she was able to also acknowledge that her step mom loved him just as much as she did and that was what could tie them together in at least caring.

I miss my family, I miss my nieces and nephews. I haven't hardly had a relationship with my oldest sisters children in years. I've missed a lot. I really need to make an effort because just as I use to make a difference in their life and they have fond memories of me I don't want it to be like with my uncle that I have a few summers of his love and kindness. I want to have a lifetime of dishing out that love and kindness to the people I love.

Kevin called me today at work. It was so good to hear his voice and before I knew it I was telling him about my uncle and what he meant to me and then I was crying on the phone telling Kevin how much I missed him and loved him. I am so very grateful Kevin and I were brought together. We really needed each other and I know I will always be thankful. I think we've both taught each other so many lessons. I know for him he's where I've been when it comes to our family. I'm hopeful that one day he can move on from his hurt and have some kind of relationship with his mother and brother.

He called to tell me he'll be coming home for a weekend visit on October 7th. I'll be picking him up at the airport that day. It will be so great to see him.

Well I better try to get some rest. I have a long day ahead tomorrow.

Till next time...

Thinking Back and Missing People

2011-09-13T14:37:00.001-04:00

When I was a little girl things were tough. My parents, two sisters and I lived in Baltimore over a sub shop in a small 2 bedroom apt that had rats. I was very young then so I don't have a lot of memories of the rats. Thankfully time went by and the sub shop became a barbershop and the rats went away. But my alcoholic father stayed awhile longer. I can remember his violent rages when he would come home staggering drunk from the bar and wake my mother up at all hours of the night demanding she fix him food. I can remember seeing his hands around her neck. I can remember plates of food being thrown and smashed against the walls. I remember lots of things, especially the screaming my sisters and I did as we cowarded in our bedroom peeking out the door hoping my father would pass out.

Sometimes he would go in the bathroom and my mother would hustle us out the door in our night clothes and bare feet down a few blocks to my great aunt's house where she would comfort us and we would all sleep on her livingroom floor on the blankets and pillows she would give us. Sometimes my father would come down there and beat on the door of his aunt's house but she would tell him to go away and if he didn't she would call the police on him and they would either come cart him off or chase him off. It felt safe at my aunt Mildred's house. There weren't to many places in my childhood that felt safe.

I don't even know if I wrote that my great aunt passed away a few months ago at the age of 96 yrs old. I know I've wrote about going to her house to visit my grandmother (her sister) and how she would cook for us and play scrabble. She was the best at that game and would always help you make words if you didn't know any. She also loved chocolate covered cherries and at Christmas we would sometimes buy her a box. They had to be the good brand though not the kind where the liquid was all white but the clear looking liquid around the cherry kind. My aunt Mildred was always taking care of people too though it was clear she wasn't always happy about it lol. She wasn't one to put on airs and though she seemed gruff to some folks to us kids she was tough aunt Mildred who would protect you from anyone and love you to pieces.

I probably shouldn't type this here at work, I can feel the tears coming. But today I got a call from my oldest sister telling me that my uncle Rab had passed away. Why my first few paragraph are about my aunt Mildred is because she was my first safe place when I was a child but there was another, that was my aunt and uncle's house. I would get to spend the summers there sometimes. It was like another world to me.

I have wrote about my aunt Doris here before, she was my mom's sister. She couldn't have children so she adopted my cousin when she was an infant. My cousin was just 2 months older than me so I was the one that got to spend the most time at my aunt and uncle's to keep my cousin company over the summers sometime. I am not sure of the number of summers I spent there but they are definitely fond memories.

My aunt Doris passed away the summer after I left my first husband. She had diabetes, was almost blind, was on dialysis 3 times a week but it was Cancer that took her quicker than we hoped. She was just 58 yrs old. I was thankful for my 7 yrs living down here near her before she passed away. We saw each other every week and she meant the world to me. I've always been sad she never got to meet Mike or the kids.

But this is really about my uncle Rab. As I sit here typing this I realize he was the first man in my life that didn't fill me with fear. He was a man of integrity and kindness. He was a pretty quiet man most of the time but he would give you a quick smile if you said or did something funny. He loved playing chest and though it was never my thing him and my sister (Kevin's mom) always loved their yearly games at Christmas when my aunt and uncle would come visit us.

He was all about the rules though and if you didn't do what you were suppose to you also got his stern look. I can also remember the one time he actually spanked me and my cousin because we didn't follow the rules and we almost drown. I know the spanking was out of fear and boy did I see his fear that day as he swam out into the strong current to save my cousin and I.

I remember the trips to Ocean City, to Georgia, Tennessee, they even took me to Disney World when I was 6. I remember our long drives to those places. They had a big old Lincoln that pulled their camper behind and Kim and I sat in the back and played with dolls or colored and stuff. I remember my uncle farting and always blaming it on us and laughing. I remember him sneaking Kim and I off to baskin robbins for a dip of ice cream when we were suppose to be dieting with my aunt at 8 yrs old. I also remember every night him coming up to Kim's room to tuck us in and saying our prayers with us, wishing good things for everyone.

I also remember his garden. Kim and I spent plenty of time picking veggies for dinner. He also had a row of cantaloupes and watermelons and even a few rows of wild flowers that we would pick for the table. We would all sit down to dinner every night, say the blessing and talk about our day. I swear it really was like leave it to beaver there lol.

I don't remember how old I was when my aunt and uncle got divorced. My aunt got Cancer and they gave her 6 months to live. It just seemed like my uncle couldn't handle the thought of her dying so he ran away. Not far at all though, he lived just about a 1/2 mile down the road from her. My aunt didn't die though and lived another 15 yrs. Many times I remember him bringing her milk and bread for the grand kids. He still loved her right up to the day she died. I'm sure they're up there now having a good old time :)

After their divorce my mom and aunt had a falling out soon after and we hardly saw them anymore. I seldom saw my uncle since he got remarried after that. In the past 17 yrs since my aunt passed away I have seen him a few times out playing bingo. He was always so happy to see me and would have me come sit next to him and take pictures of his grand kids out of his wallet to show me and tell me how Kim and the kids were doing.

It's so weird to me that Kim and I live just 15 mins from each other yet since my aunt's death 17 yrs ago I have only seen her maybe 3 times. I plan to go to the funeral though and pay my respects to a man that showed me what a real man, a real father was. I will be forever grateful uncle Rab may you rest in peace. Give aunt Doris a big hug for me too and tell her how much I miss her. I miss you both.

Till next time...

Working on My Mind Yet Again

2011-09-12T16:43:00.001-04:00

I have thought about posting several times over the past few days but just couldn't seem to make myself. I don't want to say I'm in a funk because this doesn't feel really like a funk. I think it's more a "moving forward" time for me. I named my blog "Fixing Myself Thinner" not in the literal sense but in the mental sense. I really was/am determined that I will fix my mind so that I can be set free of so many things that have held me captive throughout my life. I really can say this time in my life is the best it's ever been.

But....

Yes, there always seems to be a but, I think I also have to continue working on my inner self if I want to continue having a good life. So it's a process, it's having things come up in regular life and knowing what to do to process them and move on in a healthy way. I'm not always great at that part of things. Sometimes a few things come up at the same time for me and for a bit I seem to kind of mentally fall apart. Of course sometimes that leads me down a road of old behaviors that aren't healthy for me.

This past year I've put a lot on myself with having 2 major surgeries to remove loose skin. Do I regret either of them, no I don't. I can now look in the mirror and see a normal sized person. I can feel good about all I've accomplished in the past 4 yrs. But you know for me the inner work is really what drives my life. So no matter what size the outside is if inside I'm not feeling good about myself no amount of dieting, exercise or surgery is going to fix that. Bottom line I have to love ME.

Of course I have days of feeling yucky about myself but when I give thought to those days it's always more about my actions more than my appearance. The bottom line is when I do the right things for myself that is the time I feel the best when I look in the mirror. That's when the person looking back at me smiles and says "you look pretty darn good today". Sure I want that feeling everyday so I really do have to work on nurturing that inner me, giving her love and kindness through kind thoughts, words and actions.

I know all the mental mumbo jumbo gets old at times, but this is my life. This is the path I've chose for myself and so far it looks like I'm going down the right road. When I picture that road I see lots of sunshine, flowers everywhere, the people around me I love and I just feel alive and really really good. It is about being grateful for our lives and for the people in it too.

So with that all said how am I really?  I've been a bit of a stumbler the past few weeks. Really it's just been a process of getting things back to normal after surgery and then having a few wrenches thrown in on top of that lol. It's about having a lot on my plate right now and just trying not to let it overwhelm me. I know as I always do I will get through everything. It's just about trying to get through it without mistreating myself (or the ones around me I love).

I haven't posted since Wednesday so I'll catch up with how things have been. Wednesday Mike and I went to TOPS, we had our little auction and it was a lot of fun. Mike bought a few things with his fake money and so did I. The lady that we hadn't seen in months came and it was just so good seeing her and her husband.  It just felt good to be with everyone.

Thursday was my plastic surgeon appt. I hit the road at 2pm to give myself 3 hours to get there (usually takes 2 and a little bit). I get about a hour up the road and they have the road closed off. So after being rerouted and then sitting in traffic for more than a hour barely moving I realized there was no way I'm going to get to my appt on time or even at all. So I made the decision to just turn around and go back home. So 3 1/2 hours after starting out I arrive back home :( I was pretty bummed because I was suppose to have dinner with my best friend too. I made the best of it though and Mike and I played some games with the kids and had a family night which was very nice for all of us. Then I headed off to the gym for a 2 hour workout which helped with my anxiety.

Friday I saw my therapist and I caught him up on everything from the past 6 months. I have known him about 7 yrs and he's been my therapist on and off for about 5 so I do trust what he thinks. He feels I could maybe benefit from an anti-anxiety medication. I've never been much for meds and even through my darkest times (first marriage) I've not taken an anti-depression med or anything else. But I think maybe he's right that it could help when I have times like this in my life where I'm feeling very overwhelmed and I can't seem to turn my mind off. So I've made an appt with my regular doc and will talk to her about it on Thursday. He feels even just having a prescription (he thinks Xanax would be a good choice for me) might ease my anxiety knowing I can take something if I feel I need to. I looked back at this past year and my 2 surgeries and the pain meds. First surgery I went off them at 6 days and the second surgery about 2 weeks. So I think when it comes to prescription meds I'm very conscious of how they make me feel and not having them be a crutch. So I'm going to give it a try and at least get a prescription.

After I got home on Friday I was just a mess with being full of anxiety. I kept thinking did I really want to even have a prescription of Xanax. Would there be a time I would have to write that down somewhere and it would make me feel like a crazy person. I know kind of crazy thoughts but I have always been so anti-meds. I should have just took a walk or something but instead I went and got a soft serve ice cream. Why I do that I don't know. I know going for a walk would have actually relieved me of my anxiety yet sometimes my crazy mind does the thing I know is least good for me.

Saturday I got up and made some breakfast. Mike and I had a little tiff and so I decided to head out for my 9 mile walk. It gave me lots of time to think and really process all my feelings. It was a really pretty day too. When I got back home I felt a lot better mentally. Sunday was my usual peace with food day and I made my protein bars and a big crockpot full of soup. I put it all in containers so Mike and I have plenty for lunches and I might even get to freeze some.

Mike got upset over the lawn mower that seems to be endlessly broke and then he went off for his 9 mile walk and left Nicholas the job of mowing the grass. I felt bad for Nick because when the lawn mower pooped out on him I could see his anxiety over when Mike returned and him being upset with him over not finishing the job. So he almost single handedly cleaned the whole house.

After Mike returned I ended up having a long talk with him. Mike is a good man but sometimes I think he shows his frustrations in a poor way and it really affects the rest of us. Sometimes it feels like he's a bear in the room. I know when I talk to him about that stuff it makes him feel bad. I know he loves us all very much, so it's tough having those conversations. I also know that Mike not losing more weight in the past year is about what's going on in his head not what he's putting in his mouth. I did suggest therapy to him. I just want him to be happy with himself and I know from experience it's not easy but I also know his happiness is not my job. I'm hoping our talk will help not hurt.

As for food these past 5 or so days other than the ice cream has just been to much food, nothing overly bad. I haven't went off the deep end but I'm sure not trying to lose these 10 lbs I keep talking about losing either. I was at 183 this morning which of course freaks me out. I know though that 5-10 lbs isn't going to bring back 200. I just have to keep making right choices for myself every day. I also need to not beat myself up mentally. I know I am in control of myself each and every time I put something in my mouth.

Wednesday, I go to the Orthopedic doc so will most likely be getting a meds for arthritis. I will ask him about the ankle pain I've been having too in addition to the knee pain. I'm guessing he will suggest shots but I really want to hold off doing that if I don't really need it. I figure I will give the meds 6 months and then see how I am.

I was suppose to have an eye appt today but I rescheduled. I just couldn't handle 3 appts in one week after 2 last week. I would say I'm starting to feel like a mental patient but really most of this stuff is physical :) Dr. N seems to think I'm just fine with just some added pressures right now that once they pass things will get back to normal. He said he'd see me in 6 months for my next turn-up if I needed to see him :)

Though we really can't afford it right now I talked with Marie and asked her about her Birthday and I suggested a weekend trip to the beach instead of a party. Of course she thought that was a terrific idea so next weekend we are going to Ocean City (MD) for Sunfest. I've never been for Sunfest but from what I've been reading it should be a lot of fun. They have kite folks and crafters and sand sculptors so lots to see and do. Plus the kids have off next Friday for the county fair so we will have a long weekend. I'm very excited and so is Mike and the kids. I just think since we didn't have a vacation this summer we just need it.

Well I think I've blabbed on enough. I'm doing ok, hanging in here. So far peace with food today. I'm hoping for a peace with food week :)

Till next time...

Needing a Tune-Up

2011-09-07T12:51:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about it a few weeks now and finally today made the decision to call my retired therapist. He's always told me if I need to see him he would see me so I thought it was time for a tune-up. I've been struggling some and just feeling out of sorts the past few weeks so I figured it couldn't hurt. So I see him on Friday at noon, I'm looking forward to it.

I think part of it might be Mike seems to be struggling somewhat too and I know often we play off each other's moods. I just feel like he's down in the dumps lately and going back to some old habits yet kind of trying to hide them as am I. I did have a long talk with him last week but I always feel like our talks make him feel like he needs to change when really it's about I just want to see him happy.

Last night after work I went to the grocery because we are having our TOPS auction tonight and I needed to get a few gifts. I ended up deciding to make fruit baskets and then ended up doing a bunch of grocery shopping too. After I got home I pretty much just got ready and left for the gym. I felt kind of bad that I really hardly saw the kids last night but I just felt like I needed a good workout. I ended up at the gym for over 2 hours and was totally exhausted when I got home.

When I arrived home Mike broke the news to me that our renters are moving. She's pregnant and they've found a larger place which of course I totally understand. So they will be moving out the end of September. Of course this makes my stress level go even more up with the fact that we will have to do some cleaning and repairs over there before we can rent it again. Plus for some reason fall/winter just isn't a good time to rent the place and the past 2 times it has taken us like 3 months to get someone new in there. I'm so hoping that won't be the case this time but I have my doubts.

Just coming off my 5 weeks of half pay during my recovery time sure doesn't help either as our finances are already tight. I know we will be fine though I just have to watch our budget and try not to let it stress me out to much. Things always have a way of working out ok for us.

So tomorrow is my plastic surgeon appt, for some reason I feel kind of nervous. I guess I'm wondering if he will want me to tell him all the things I'm not totally happy with. I just don't feel I'm ready for that conversation and maybe that's just what I need to say. That I want a few more months to adjust and continue to heal. I still have a few scabby spots on my arms and all the incisions are still red so I know I have more healing to do. Over all I'm content enough and I'm adjusting ok even to the new boobs lol. Plus I have no plans of a 3rd surgery so I really don't want to pick apart his work. I feel like he has a pretty thankless job some of the time.

I still don't have my dinner plans set for tomorrow. I need to get working on that. I'm kind of hoping my girlfriend can go because if she can't I don't know that such short notice for my sister will work out. A part of me thinks she might not want to see me. I know she's gained most of her weight back since her gastric bypass (about 5 yrs ago) and I think it makes her feel weird that I've lost the weight and had plastic surgery. She is in such denial about her weight and eating too that it's not like we can really talk about it. I keep trying to push therapy but she feels she's dealt with her past and she's perfectly fine. But we all know if you're over 300 lbs you're surely not emotionally or physically fine. I'm not fine yet at my weight lol.

Just heard Marie's soccer is cancelled for tonight so that's good news, means Mike and I can go to TOPS together for the auction. I think the lady that has been out since before Easter with pancreatitis is going to come tonight too. She's still not in the best shape but it would be great to see her. I'm looking forward to TOPS tonight, should be fun.

Well I better get to work. Hope everyone is staying dry.

Till next time...

More Shopping and a Long Weekend

2011-09-06T16:23:00.000-04:00

No, the bra conversation isn't quite over yet lol. Thanks for all the suggestions, the nearest Norstroms is a hour and a half so not sure when I'll get a chance to go but it's on my list. I ended up going to Kmart on Friday and I actually found a few bras that fit and some jeans too. Really most of the stuff I tried on fit me pretty well. It was a nice shopping experience for a change. I ended up spending more than I intended but such is life :)

Saturday was the airshow and working at the burger stand. It was stationed next to the chicken fingers and fries stand so for 6 straight hours my back faced a fryer, ekkk. It was an exhausting experience but Marie's school made some money so that made it worth it. I was thankful I wasn't the grill master, another woman named Dawn got that job and I didn't envy her. We were 2 people short for our shift too so we really worked hard, there were 4 of us counting our cashier. We were a good team though and did well I thought.

Mike, Marie and my co-worker went to watch the show so I got to see them for a few minutes. I had forgotten my cell phone so couldn't call them when it was my lunch break so had no idea where they sat at. Super weird that with thousands of people there I managed to sit my butt down (under a tent in the shade) just like 3 feet from their chairs (that I didn't realize were theirs). I then spotted them in line with Marie for some ride. How amazing is that? :) Marie sat with me for a few while the guys waiting in line for her. It was a beautiful day out at least for the show.

Sunday, Mike and I walked our scheduled 8 miles for our marathon training. It was another beautiful day. Hot but thankfully down my favorite road there's a nice breeze that comes off the water. We had to do 4 laps down and back. The first 2 seemed like a breeze and I thought "boy this is going to be easy" but then the last 4 kind of made me rethink that thinking lol. We made it through though. Then we took the kids out to dinner.

On Monday I was a slug, didn't even get out of my night gown all day but it felt good to be lazy. I did do some cooking and got some banana/peanut butter protein bars made and made baked fish for dinner, turned out good.

I felt like over all I was improving during the week but then the weekend I let the sweets sneak back in. Of course they really didn't sneak I just let them back in. I told Mike he had to stop bringing junk home to me. I know while I was home recovering I would give him mixed messages at times so I told him really none of us needed the junk including the kids and he agreed.

Tonight I plan on going to the gym and getting in some weight training and cardio.

I made an appointment today for the Orthopedic doctor too that I saw a few years ago when I was still around 240lbs. My left knee is bothering me again and I use to take meds for arthritis and think it would benefit me to take them again. I have arthritis in both knees and want to hold off on shots or surgery if I can for several more years to come. He said at some point I would need knee replacements but I'm hopefully not for at least 10 more years. Anyway, my appt is next Wednesday.

Thursday is my appointment with the plastic surgeon. I'm sure it will just be a look over. It's a 2 hour drive up to Baltimore so I'm going to try to have dinner with either my best friend or my oldest sister who I haven't seen in about a year and a half. I should see my mom too but I think if I decide to see my sister I would rather it just be the two of us. It seems when my mom is there my sister doesn't talk much.

It's raining here today, I'm hoping it will let up before quitting time.

Well till next time...

Bras and Shopping

2011-09-02T14:52:00.000-04:00

I wonder if that title will run the men off or make them come see what it's about lol. Last night I went to JC Penneys to look for bras. It was not the best experience. Lately I've been wishing for a girlfriend to give me the low down on fashion and shopping. I think my best friend would be a good candidate for the job but with us living almost 3 hours apart it doesn't seem to happen. Maybe one of these days we'll manage a shopping trip. You know in our whole 35 yrs of friendship we've never shopped together, she told me that wasn't true when I mentioned it to her but I can't say shopping at age 12 really counts lol.

So off I went to the store in search of a few bras for the new boobs. Well it was a lot tougher job than I thought it would be. I started out in the "boxed" bra section since at Walmart I felt I had been through all the other sections though of course cheap bras don't compare to good bras so I soon realized that I'm not a boxed bra person at all and the new boobs just don't fit in a pointy white stiff, seamed bra. In my previous bra shopping attempt I had tried on several under wire bra and it's clear my new boobs just don't work in one of those either. My new boobs seem to be off to the sides and with the side fat/skin thing I have going on it just doesn't work AT ALL.

So I moved onto the soft padded plain type bras that definitely could never be called sexy EVER. But I must admit as I put on that first bra I was liking it a lot. It was so silky and soft and it seemed to hold most everything up and in, in a not so bad way. There was still a bit of skin/fat poking out at the side and back but not to much as the bands at the side and back were a good width. I was hoping to find a black bra though and not a one in my size. So I ended up not getting any but today I'm thinking that was a mistake since I'm still with just one bra that fits me.

Then I looked at clothing, well I still don't know what I really like. I seem to still be in the mindset of t-shirts and stretch pants. I did try on a few pair of jeans but kept telling myself "you have fat knees and they look bad" lol. I have one pair of jeans to my name. I got them at fashion bug a long time ago so might just go there and get another pair or two since they look ok on me. I tried on a bunch of shirts too and finally found one I thought looked nice on me so I bought it. It seems I'm in a medium shirt most of the time now which seems really weird to me. I also bought a few nightgowns that I can wear around the house. So I did buy a few things, 2 nightgowns and a blouse lol. The bra search will continue maybe tonight.

After shopping I went home, showed everyone what I bought and then got ready and went to the gym. I did 15 mins treadmill, 40 mins strength, 25 mins treadmill and 20 mins elliptical and 5 mins of stretching. A spot on my chest got to hurting though doing my cardio but wasn't bad enough to stop me. It feels fine today. Think it's just a muscle thing.

After I got home I showered and got to wash my hair for the first time since my perm. Then I made myself an omelet and watched some tv.

Today I'm wearing my new shirt and my jeans and I've had several compliments which feels nice :)

Tomorrow I work at the airshow, not thrilled but I'm sure I'll live through it.

Mike and I went to lunch today, was nice spending time together.

I'm happy it's Friday :) and I have a 3 day weekend to look forward to.

Food hasn't been the best, scale was at 182 this morning, so not terrible.

Well till next time...

Kids Back To School Today and Healing Talk

2011-09-01T15:16:00.003-04:00

Warning: long darn post!!

Yep, the kids went back to school today. Neither of them were thrilled about it but thankfully we all got up and ready and out the door on time so no one missed the bus. Now that the kids are in different schools on different ends of town if they both miss the bus it's pretty darn difficult to get both to school in a timely fashion and me to work too. So I'm crossing my fingers we won't have much bus missing going on lol.

I made it to work early today, 7:45am so that felt good. Though I am feeling kind of tired since I didn't get to sleep till like 1am and was up by 6am. I'm hoping tonight will be a better sleep night for me.

I ended up being the one to go to TOPS last night. It all worked out fine though since Mike walks when he takes Marie to soccer practice and I really did want to weigh-in. I am back in leeway (182.6 officially) and I'm hoping within a few more weeks I will be back in the 170's. The meeting was just a discussion meeting, we ended up talking about different ways to prepare foods and snacks and different things we each do. We also talked about Irene and some of the folks had some damage with trees falling, nothing to bad though. It was just nice getting to chat with everyone.

Tonight I plan on going to the gym for cardio and strength training. I think with the marathon training my plan is going to be 40-50 mins of strength training 2 times a week and then 60 mins of cardio 3 days a week and then our long walk on the weekend (2-3 hours depending on what mile we're on) for a total of about 7 hours a week, mainly walking. I can already tell a difference on the scale and just in general since I've been back to exercising regularly. I really missed it mentally during my recovery time.

I updated on the right my "pounds lost" section with the month of August. Of course I couldn't help noticing that I have been on an upward trend for the past 5 months now. Nothing super major when you look at it as a whole, less than 10 lbs. But if I let that continue it sure would add up over the months and I'm just not willing to let that happen. I also know that I have went through some things during those months that didn't leave my mind (or body) at peace. The whole process of deciding to have the second surgery earlier than I originally planned (Jan 2012) and then going through that surgery. Then Kevin was getting ready to leave and then did leave during that time too. It's been tougher than I thought having him gone. I'm adjusting but still it's a process with everything. Then work has been a huge thing on my mind the past year too with feeling like things are falling apart here. I've kind of come to grips with everything though and I really do think all the way around I'm on the up swing (and down swing on the scale). I'm feeling motivated and determined again and feeling better all the way around. So I will get those extra lbs off and maybe even a few more but I'm not going to beat myself up over them because I think I did darn good with all that's been going on in my life.

I haven't talked much lately in the past week or so about my healing/recovery (don't think the men need to read the rest of this post lol). I haven't been in any compression stuff for a few days now. I have been wearing a camisole daily though as it just makes me feel smoother in the stomach area and seems to keep the swelling down there. I've been wearing a sports bra since it's the only thing I have that fits right now. I still need to get back to the store and look for a few real bras soon. I need something with a wide side and back band though for the extra skin there. Hopefully I can find something I like that looks decent.

My arm incisions are what are healing the slowest. It's still quite uncomfortable sleeping at night trying to find a way that is comfortable where I'm not sleeping on my arms or bending them at the elbow all night (use to sleeping with my head on my arms). I'm guessing they are part of the sleep problem as I find myself waking up with them hurting sometimes in the middle of the night. Oh something I don't think I mentioned, I don't seem to need deodorant now and there doesn't seem to be any hair growing back under my arms lol. I guess one of the perks.

The stomach incisions have healed ok though still looking kind of pink and the belly button is still a bit funky some days and I have to clean it with peroxide. I still have the hard spot (doc said scar tissue) where the old belly button was too. I've also had some muscle pains in the stomach area. There wasn't any muscle work done this surgery so maybe it's just from me being back to more stretching and now the strength training.

The backside incision (from hip to hip) is still pink also but healing fine. I still have some soreness there especially when I've tried to run. It just pulls it and it doesn't feel good. At the butt crack it's still tender at times but it is healed there also. I've had some dry patches going on in different spots too so I put lotion on them every morning after my shower and it seems to be helping. I'm sure all the incisions will lighten up and soften up as time goes by.

The incisions around my aureoles are healing ok though I have puffiness going on with them at times especially the left one which is just naturally puffier because of the way the doc put it back on. I'm hoping with time it will smooth out more like the right one. I don't know what people have heard about the sensitivity of the nipples after surgery but they are SUPER sensitive though definitely better each week. I had wondered how that would be with cutting them off and putting them back on but from what I've learned everything stays attached. I'm also having a muscle pain under the left boob at times but I think that is because of the strength training (could be Mike's fault a little too lol). I know from the last surgery that I will have some nerve and muscle pains going on for several months. Right now I'm just looking for the arms to get less tender especially at the elbows and at night.

As for how I look, well there are plenty of imperfections as expected. I think so many people think doing this sort of thing that everything should be perfect, well they aren't. I've talked about this before and I know without pictures you guys really can't know all the different things I have going on that aren't perfect by any means. I think some might look at me naked now and think goodness what did she do to herself, why did she put herself through all that to look like that with all those scars. Again, it's a personal choice and being that I'm married I never have to worry about being judged by a man or anyone else about what I look like without my clothes. Mike has been supportive of me fat, loose skin, scars, whatever way I've been during our 15 yrs together and I'm thankful for that. I think we both look at me and think I look pretty darn good from where I came from and really that's what it's about, me feeling good about my choices and being comfortable in my own skin (even feeling sexy at times). Do I find myself picking at the imperfections that the doctor could have done differently, of course but I think that's a factor of me being cheap and wanting my moneys worth and also not really knowing what to expect till after the fact.

As far as my doctor is concerned I think he did the best he could. I think he is a man that plays it safe after 22 yrs in the business. I think he could have went tighter in areas but I know he also has had complications in the past and knows from experience how far he is willing to push tightness. I don't blame him for being cautious and through this second surgery I can see the things he did extra trying to fix what I wasn't happy with. Like I said some might see me and think he didn't do a very good job but then I think I had issues already since I had existing scars already on my stomach that he had to deal with scar tissue already there. Also having that much extra skin a doctor just can't fix it all without many surgeries doing it in stages. I am content enough with how I turned out after only 2 surgeries.

Have I thought about a 3rd surgery, sure I have. Since the beginning the doctor said I would want 3 but I really am not willing to spend any more money, I just don't have any more to spend anyway. Plus after 2 surgeries within 6 months I just wouldn't want to put my body through more or my mind for that matter. It has been a lot to go through and though I think I've weathered it all pretty well I think I need a break from thinking about it. I see the doc next week and I think it will most likely just be a quick visit of him looking me over and seeing things are healing ok. Maybe at my 3 or 4 month appt he will talk about the revisions I could get and I will let myself dream of fixing all those things and get a price lol. But I know that's all it will be because like I said I'm really not willing to put myself through more.

I think just like so many things in our lives a person with an addictive personality can transfer their addictions. I can say with conviction that plastic surgery will never become an addiction for me. It was just something I felt I wanted for myself to finish my journey I've been on the past 4 yrs. I've learned many lessons through the 2 surgeries too that have been very valuable to me. I also know the person I am inside is way more important than the person on the outside.

My journey now is just about trying to live my life and find happiness with myself and in my life. I do want peace with food too which I'm hopeful I will eventually have. I do see progress each day with myself in a lot of areas. Today I'm content and grateful :)

Till next time...

No School Again Today

2011-08-31T10:21:00.001-04:00

The kids sure aren't complaining about no school again today. I am hoping they will have school tomorrow since I see progress being made around town with the down trees getting cleaned up and power back on but I'm sure there's a lot of progress not being made on some of the side roads. Guess we will find out soon if they have school or not. I think they are both hoping for the whole week off lol.

Well I got my perm, can't say I'm liking it but that's usually the case the first few days/weeks. I will be glad to be able to wash it on Friday to try to get rid of the yucky perm smell. Not a nice feeling to feel like you're smelling up the place lol. You would think after all these years they would have come up with a perm that smelled good lol. Nick told me I looked like I was in the 80's and Marie said she didn't like it either. Oh well, maybe soon it won't be to bad. Mike didn't make any comments but then he knows better lol.

I gave consideration to going over to the college (on the water) and walking around after my perm but I didn't have shoes on for that so just came on back to work. After work I went home and made dinner and then went for a 3 mile walk down my favorite road. It looked like they were getting power back since there were 3 big electric company trucks there with new poles.

I forgot to ask Mike if he wants to go to TOPS or take Marie to soccer practice tonight. I think he's feeling in a funk when it comes to his weight. His ankles have been hurting him a lot too, I'm sure from the long walks. I keep telling him to go get some ankle braces but he hasn't yet. I'm hoping he'll get some spunk back. I don't like seeing him feeling down about himself. He keeps calling himself a "fatass" :( I keep assuring him I love him at any size but I'm not sure he believes it :(

My food has been really good the past several days and the scale said 181 this morning. I'm thankful it's steadily going back down. Maybe by next Wednesday I will see back in the 170's. I would so like to see it back in the mid 170's not to far in the future. I have been eating a snack (or sometimes two) in the evenings after dinner but they aren't big or bad snacks. I've been averaging about 1700-1800 calories the past few days and with all the exercise I'm guessing that's why the scale is moving down.

I'm kind of hoping to get to go to TOPS tonight so I can officially be back in leeway. I've never been out of it on the top end till recently and it's not a good feeling. It does motivate me though to work harder. Tonight's meeting is just a discussion meeting so I'm hoping there will be more people that show up. It seems like quite a few of our group is in a funk these days. Would think with Fall coming people would be feeling more motivated.

Kevin called last night, he sounded kind of home sick. He said a few buddies had gotten a weekend pass to go home. He had talked about coming home for Labor day weekend but then decided not to, I think he's a bit sad he didn't decide to come. I do miss him and I can tell he misses us too. He says school is going well though so that's good.

Thought I had more to talk about but I guess not. Sleep is still not going the best but with the kids not in school this week I'm just sleeping later in the morning so not feeling to tired.

Well back to work.

Till next time...

Thinking Things Over

2011-08-30T11:43:00.000-04:00

Yep, it's perm day for me. Really I'm not all that thrilled. I always have mixed feelings about getting my hair done. I really could use a makeover. Marie is always watching those makeover shows and I always wish I could be on one lol. Not that I want people telling me I look like hell lol but it would be nice to have others dress me and tell me what they think looks good. I definitely need some fashion tips. But I'm going and getting the perm and hopefully after a few days I'll like it well enough :)

So the kids don't have school again today, they of course aren't complaining. I'm guessing it could be a few more days of no school since there are still a lot of folks without power. It's also a matter that so many side roads have downed trees so the buses couldn't get through anyway. I'm hoping things will get back to normal for everyone soon. I feel bad for all the folks still without power. Mike's building is still without but the main office (across the street) has power so he's over there today working.

I had a good evening last night, went home and fixed dinner, brown rice, veggies and chicken dish. Then I went to the gym. I worked out for over 2 hours so I'm feeling it today and I'm sure I will feel it even more tomorrow. It felt really good though so I'm not complaining. I did 15 mins treadmills (incline 8), 40 mins strength training, 35 mins elliptical (hills, lvl 3), 25 mins recumbent bike (hills, lvl 6) then 10 mins of stretching. I was totally exhausted when I got home but in a good way.

This morning the scale rewarded me with 182. I wonder why I doubt myself during times I am unable to workout like normal. I know it's the balance I've created that has kept me at my goal weight and I know deep down I can always get back to where I want to be. I've thought about it a thousand times of why I stay at my weight (175-180). It's because deep down it must be where I want to be. I sure know I'm capable of losing 10 more lbs if it's really what I wanted. I know I've wrote about it before a lot too.

Being content, that's what I have to really give thought to and figure out why I can't just be content. I mean some days I am but then I have the days I'm not. It's weird too that some days I look in the mirror and see an attractive woman and other days see every flaw. I guess that's just human nature. Then I have the days where I seem to want to punish myself with food or reward myself. It's just all weird to me and I wish I could sort it all out in my head to get to the bottom of why nothing seems quite enough or right. Yet on some days everything seems so wonderful and I feel so alive and well and happy. I know it's just life, ups and downs of normal everyday life. Guess I answered my own questions there :)

I often comment on other people's blog about how I just stumbled along to where I am today. Really though that's not totally true, I did have goals and I did work hard. Sure I did plenty of talking too and may not have gotten down the scale as fast as some but I also think I did a lot of mental work along the way. I think women tend to process things differently than men too. I think about my first marriage and how by the time I left I was over my husband, I wasn't angry or sad I was just ready to go. I think the weight has been a similar situation that I have processed my feelings as I've went along. I think I'm still in process mode though and as some have stated that mode may last forever. I'm hoping though that isn't true and at some point down the road I will have peace with food on a daily basis and I will also be able to look in the mirror and see a woman I am proud of everyday.

I miss my therapist, he's been on my mind a lot lately. I keep thinking I'd like to see him. I've only seen him twice in the past year and a half. I know he's retired but I'd like to think he would still like to hear from me on occasion. I will give some more thought to calling him up to see if I can see him for a catch up session. I don't know if it's that I feel I need him or more just missing him. I feel like mentally I'm holding my own these days.

Tomorrow is TOPS, still don't know if I'll be going or Mike will. I'm going to leave it up to him which he wants to do, take Marie to practice or go to TOPS. I have a lot of things coming up in the next few months and I can feel it bearing down on me. I think that's part of my reason for feeling kind of overwhelmed lately. I know it's just a process though of getting through each thing as it comes up.

This weekend we are to do an 8 mile walk. I need to plan a group walk too soon. I only have a few more weeks and before I know it will be half marathon day. I'm really excited about it and seeing all the people and having us together. I really do think it's going to be a really rewarding day for everyone :)

Well I guess I better get a little work done before perm time.

Till next time...

At Work Today

2011-08-29T15:43:00.000-04:00

Well I am at work today. Our network was down till about 10:30am so I played solitaire till it was back up lol. Did technical report formatting all morning after that. Then had to go and do the training on the base for the volunteer stuff I'll be doing on Saturday. Boy what a pain it was just trying to get a base pass to go do the training. I ended up 10 mins late because they had my paperwork screwed up. Thankfully it was a short training thing, kind of silly I thought actually. What I learned was where to park, to wear a hat, t-shirt and comfortable shoes lol.

Marie's soccer practice got canceled for tonight so that's mean I'll get to go to the gym after dinner. I was planning on doing that anyway but now I can go a little earlier. Hopefully the gym has power.

There are a lot of people without power today and it's looking like it will be another day or two till they do. Most of my co-workers are without power. My co-worker said there were 41K without power in our area. I'm thankful I'm not one of them. Mike's work is without power today so he came here to have lunch. His place also got flooded, 32 inches high, so he's been cleaning all day.

I don't think I wrote that my bank card/credit card number got stolen. I noticed some charges on my account on Friday that were from Georgia. So I called up the bank and they canceled my card. I'm not sure how it happened, really weird because all the charges were for food places (McDonalds, Little Caesars, Krogers, Chic-fil-a) so it was like they actually had a card with my number. Anyway, glad I caught it early and it only went on a few days. Got all the charges taken off.

My weight was down to 184 this morning so I was happy to see that. I'm hoping it will continue to go down over the next few days. I would love to be below 183 by Wednesday. Not sure if I'm going to TOPS or if Mike is depends on who of us takes Marie to soccer practice. I miss getting to go together. Soccer isn't over till mid November either.

Food was good yesterday and has been good today. I've been getting in a lot of water too. It would be great to have peace with food for a few weeks. I think if I can get to bed at night at a decent hour it will work out for me.

Tomorrow is perm day, I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to it or not lol.

Hope everyone is doing ok today. Are you having peace with food?

Till next time...

We Survived

2011-08-28T19:35:00.000-04:00

Well we survived the storm with very little damage. We had lots of rain and wind but nothing blew around too much. We did have some damage at the cottage (rental) though. The renter came over this morning to let us known that their livingroom window had leaked and the wall was all damaged. I have a feeling this was an on going problem not something new. This is the window where we have an air conditioner. It is also the window Mike and Kevin had replaced before the renters moved in so I think it wasn't just right. Hopefully there isn't to much internal damage to the wall but I think there could be. I'll just cross my fingers. I have a feeling Mike won't even go over and look at it till next weekend. Guess he has a project now.

Oh and when we went shopping yesterday my dear sweet husband didn't close the hatch on the van so for at least 2 hours during the rain it rained in the back of the van. I was definitely not happy. But thankfully the hatch blocked most of the rain so though it was wet enough to have to soak it up with several towels it will hopefully dry out in a few days. Right now it's not smelling the best :(

We only lost power for about a hour from 9-10pm. I was feeling very thankful about that too considering it sounds like a lot of people are without power today and will be probably till at least tomorrow or Tuesday. School has already been canceled for tomorrow, the kids were happy to hear that. I believe most of the side roads have fallen trees from what we saw when we road out and about today. The side road I usually go to work on is impassable with a big fallen tree and electric lines across the road.

The sun was out shining this morning though so Mike and I decided to do our 7 mile marathon training walk. We headed out and down my favorite road. I figured there might be some fallen trees which there were. A man I have spoke to several times was out with his chainsaw cutting the fallen trees for the people on the road so they could at least get out (it's a dead end road). I thought that was really nice of him. He had already been out a few hours I would guess before we even started our walk and was there through our whole 7 miles as we passed him again and again working hard. I kept wishing I could help him but I'm not to be lifting much. I did see some neighborly kindness though as someone stopped and gave him a bottle of cold water. I felt like our 7 miles went by pretty fast and then we were back home.

I ended up pretty tired after the walk and so I did some reading in bed with the two kitties and Marie and had a short nap. I'm feeling pretty achy now but not to bad. My food has been pretty good today. It might be a mental thing but Sundays are always peaceful with food for me for some reason, I'm thankful. I'm hoping in the next few days I can get off a few of these lbs. Now that I'm back to strength training I think it will come back off.

Tomorrow I will see if we had any flooding at work. Since the last flood there I am in a new area of the building which doesn't flood so I should be ok. Poor Mike though might go into a much worse situation. His work is right in front of a dam that they sometimes let out at storm time and it floods his whole shop. Him and his co-workers spent Friday moving all the equipment up to the boss's farm and Mike put his desk on blocks (last flood the water went over his desk) so hopefully even if it flooded he won't have anything ruined.

Tomorrow the bossman is suppose to be gone for a few days to the west coast but not sure he'll be gone yet with the storm. I have to do training tomorrow from 2-5pm to prepare to work as a volunteer for the air show next week on the Naval base. I can't say I'm looking forward to training or working in a burger booth for 6 hours next Saturday but I know it's for Marie's school and they deserve my help. I'm sure it will all go by fast, that stuff usually does.

On Tuesday I'm going to get a perm, I haven't had one in over a year I think at least. I prefer having a perm in my hair but Mike likes it better straight. It might sound weird but I like it curly because it makes my face look less thin, at least to me. Since I'm planning on dropping a few lbs over the next few months it's like my pre-thing to do to help motivate me. I also plan on getting my hair dyed for the first time but that won't be for another week or two, she said we would talk about it when I was there for the perm. I plan on just getting my natural color, it's just to cover up the little bit of gray I've now got around the edges.

I wish it was still Saturday. I feel my weekend was spent stressing about the storm till today so it wasn't very restful for me. I also spent way to much time stress eating yesterday which I hate doing. But today is a new day and it's back to normal for me thankfully.

Well going to read some more. Hope everyone else that got the storm weathered it ok.

till next time...

The Storm has Arrived

2011-08-27T16:07:00.000-04:00

It's been raining here since we woke up this morning. Of course Mike waited to do things so this morning we all went out in the rain to batten down the hatches. Really it wasn't to much to do just secure the patio furniture and a few other things. Then we headed to Walmart for his blood pressure meds and a few odds and ends. It wasn't nearly as bad at Walmart as I thought it would be, guess people are much smarter than us then to wait till the last darn minute and go out in the pouring rain lol.

We came back to a pretty flooded front yard and I had to walk through ankle deep water to get to the door. We currently have a pot by our fireplace to catch dripping water and then a bowl on Nicholas's bed to catch water leaking from his ceiling. Aggravates me to think that just months after we got a new roof 5 yrs ago it was leaking already. Not sure what the deal is with this house but it's just got holes lol. Hopefully we will manage ok, I'm crossing my fingers.

I went to the gym last night and did my first strength training since my surgery 7 1/2 weeks ago. I did 40 mins of cardio, 40 mins strength training and 10 mins of stretching. I'm definitely feeling it in my arms today. It felt really good getting back to it though. I use way less weight though so I think I now know my starting point so I can increase slowly.

My eating wasn't bad last night at all but today it's been terrible. My girlfriend called all upset and sobbing. She talked for well over a hour (might have been two) and as we talked I worked my way through food. I was already not in the best frame of mind because of the storm and had made the poor decision to buy cookies at the store. Thankfully I bought a smaller amount and divided them up with the kids as soon as I got home so I only had 3 servings (560 calories worth). Of course I ate them all while on the phone. I really need to work on that with myself, having others or outside things stress me to the point of planning to eat. I definitely know better.

I did come home and bake protein bars and a big pan of chicken breast. So I am ready for if we lose power we will still have plenty of healthy things to eat. I think I'm going to go fix myself a pot of coffee maybe that will ease me a little so I won't eat anything else for awhile.

Well this might be my last post for a few days. I'll post as soon as I can. For fellow East coast folks, stay safe.

Till next time...

Going Along

2011-08-26T15:13:00.000-04:00

Well Nicholas made it through day two of high school. When I called after he got home yesterday to ask how it went he told me "10 times better mom" and boy was I relieved to hear that. So it sounds like it was just the first day jitters and he's worked through them pretty well.

Today though both kids missed the bus. We didn't even open our eyes till 7:40 so that made for a bit of a crazy morning since their schools are at opposite ends. So I threw on some clothes and took Marie to school and she got there on time then Nick and I came back home and I got myself ready and then Nicholas and I headed to his school. Thankfully this week he has a homeroom period so he didn't miss anything.

As for me, yesterday started off as a decent day with food as it always does. I had my homemade protein bar and then my packed snacks and lunch. When I got home I decided to walk. I knew with the storm coming this weekend I probably wouldn't be getting in my 7 mile walk so I made the decision to do it last night. Well there was a storm brewing last night too. But I set out hoping to beat it.

It got scary though at the end. I was walking down through the tree section of my favorite road making my final lap and before I knew it the wind was blowing the trees so hard branches started falling down at me. I was super lucky when a big old branch missed my head by like a foot. That was when I turned around and started running back up the road lol. The rain started a bit and I kept on running hoping to make it home before I got drenched. As I'm running who do I see? Yep, Mike in his work truck coming to the rescue *smile*. He had called home and found out I was still out walking so thought he would just swing down the road to see if I wanted a ride :) I had hoped for 7 miles but I figured 6 miles wasn't bad so I hopped in and hitched a ride home before it started pouring.

I couldn't sleep last night so my food wasn't good. With nothing bad in the house though it was just eating calories I didn't need. The grand total for the day wasn't good either at 2750 calories. With my 6 miles I came in at about maintenance amounts. Definitely not what I was looking to do but I will do better today. It's definitely the sleeping that is the trouble. When I go to bed at a decent time my food ends decent but when I can't sleep I find myself in the kitchen even when I'm clearly not hungry just eating calories I don't need.

As for the whole intuitive eating it has been helpful by making me more aware of when I'm hungry or full. But my mind over rules me following my body's cues and I instead do as I want and eat anyway even when I'm clearly not hungry, sometimes actually very full. I have to be honest in saying I don't know that I was this bad before the whole "intuitive eating" test. But again I think it's a rebellious subconscious thing I'm doing. I'm hoping as I continue to stay aware I will stop letting that inner child win out over common sense.

I have noticed this week though I'm feeling good about myself even with the extra few lbs not coming off. I look in the mirror everyday and find myself liking what I see. I know that is what is important. But I do need to get back into leeway so I will continue to work on dropping these gained lbs as I have planned.

Marie had another meltdown last night about the storm. When I arrived home from my walk she was sitting in Mike's chair surrounded by pillows sobbing. Thankfully though she pulled herself together and did her homework. As the storm continued thankfully she stayed calm. I'm hoping this weekend won't be to bad as Irene comes through. We have some stuff to do around the house to prepare, hopefully we won't forget anything.

Hope everyone on the east coast in the line of Irene stays safe.

Till next time...

Feeling For My Son and My Thoughts on Weight

2011-08-25T11:12:00.000-04:00

Well Nick made it through his first day of high school. I got to see him at 3:15pm here at the office because he missed the bus going home. Thankfully I work just a block down and across the street from his school so he just walked over and rode home with me. I was in the bathroom when he arrived and my boss and co-worker (who he knows well) were here talking to him when I got back to my desk. The upset I saw in his eyes made me just feel so much for him. It was clear he had a tough time yesterday. I was thankful when my boss and co-worker could see Nick needed a bit of space so they left us and went back to their offices.

I asked Nick some questions and asked him had he been crying or did he feel like crying (he said no). We talked about his anxiety which I could see in his face and he said that his chest had hurt all day from it. It's clear he has some of my same issues when being around so many people and being in a new environment. But he made it through the day and it sounded like his day was ok. He had a few friends at school so didn't spend lunch alone and there was a kid from his class in 2 of his classes so over all it wasn't terrible for him. I just felt bad he had such anxiety.

We talked about it more on the way home and I told him if it lasts longer than a week or two there were medication options for it and he said he was open to that because he definitely didn't want to spend long having chest pains all day. I felt like there was good communication between us and I just felt such .... it's hard to describe the feelings, compassion I guess is the word, for my son. I know he will be ok and I'm hopeful that in just a short time he will settle into his new surroundings and adjust and feel better and if not we will find a solution together. I know too he can always go back to therapy if he wants so today I will mention that also.

For those that don't really know me, I never went to high school. I tried but I only managed a few months on and off till I just quit school. I too suffered from that terrible anxiety and felt so overwhelmed that I couldn't bare the thought of being there with what felt like total strangers. I spent most of my teen years not going out of the house. It started in jr high for me till I was put into a special school for troubled girls run by nuns. I went there 2 yrs and was very thankful for the additional education I got while there. For me, I always blamed my weight, being 250-350 lbs during those years was really tough.

Anyway, seeing my son having similar feelings and not even weight related I realize that a lot of teenagers go through this sort of thing. I am hopeful with Nicholas it won't be anything like it was with me. I will do my best to find solutions to help him.

Poor Marie yesterday had herself a big old crying spell at bedtime over the storm, Irene, coming our way. She has always had a thing for the weather from the time she was a little little child to where even at 3-4 I could ask her what the weather would be in the morning and she would know (she loved watching the weather channel). So when I got home from work yesterday she was full of information about Irene that she had learned from her teacher. But I guess all that talk made her also afraid of the storm (she's been afraid of storms for a few years now). So I'm hoping we can keep her calm over the next few days while the storm runs it's course, poor kid.

So all this made for a very emotional day for me too. I held it together ok though. Mike and I went to TOPS last night and though I didn't officially weigh in my weight was 184.8 lbs. It sure wasn't what I hoped to see on the scale but it was better than what had been on the scale the past few days. So I felt ok about it and I made a bet with J that we both could get ourselves back in leeway within the next two weeks (183 or below for me) which is definitely doable. I also made a bet with myself that I will be below 180 within the next 4 weeks which is also doable. I would like to see the 170's not so far in the future.

I was reading Jen's (priorfatgirl) post the other day about what her 9 lb gain means to her and it hit me that for me trying to lose these recent gained lbs are about just getting back to where I feel more comfortable, for me that's at about 175-178 lbs. I like being a few lbs below my TOPS goal (180) and I just like having something to work towards. For me, weight wise I am in maintenance now and have been the past 20 months. If I never lost another lb I would be fine with that (well I do need to get back in leeway at least). I do want to continue working on the mental part though and my relationship with food because my ultimate goal is "peace with food" everyday not weight loss. I do have peace with food quite often actually but I just want that day to day.

If I never find that total peace with food I'm ok with that too. I mean we all have struggles in life so my struggles with food aren't the end all of my good life, they are just moments of time and choices I make. It's not like my whole world falls down just because I shove some chocolate in my face. I can surely say I am 100 times happier today with my occasional food struggle than I ever was at 350+ lbs with my endless tiredness and my almost constant feelings of guilt and self loathing.

Like Jen said there are so many more parts of each of us than just the weight or the goal of losing a weight. This is about our lives and finding that happy balance and continued good health. It's also about loving ourselves day in and day out regardless of if we eat a candy bar or ice cream.

I know for myself loving myself was the toughest part. Overcoming my feelings of being a crappy person and undeserving of good things and letting my weight define who I was was the biggest thing I had to do. I am so many more things than a number on a scale. I have seen people type that a million times and today I can say I believe it for myself. I do think loving ourselves is what we need to reach for first and happiness will come with that. Just realize that happiness isn't an every moment thing it's something that comes and goes and that is a normal part of day to day life. It's about seeing those happy times too.

So who loves themself today? Who is seeing that happiness in the moments when it happens?

Till next time...

First Day of School

2011-08-24T09:23:00.000-04:00

Well it's official today, Nick is a high schooler. I still can't hardly believe it. He was a nervous wreck this morning, said he was actually shaking. But he got himself together and faced his fears and walked out the door and to the bus stop. I stood peeking out the window as the bus stopped and he got on. My heart sank a little for him worrying over how his first day would go trying to make his way around the big school to all his classes with the other 1700 kids. Hopefully it goes ok for him.

As for me, I'm still feeling a bit sad and butterflies in my stomach that another one of mine is growing up on me. Of course having Nick going off to high school makes me think of Kevin and how we all missed him this week knowing he would have probably made it easier for both Nick and I with our nerves. Though he had his own anxiety when he started high school he was good at looking at the bright side. Nick and I tried to play suit and did ok but we did miss Kevin's input.

Hopefully Nick will come home with good stories about his first day and feel ok about the whole experience. I'm hoping dangling a cell phone in front of him will help him focus on his grades this year too. It will be interesting to see how it all goes for him and for us.

Marie, got off to her second day just fine too. She just doesn't seem to have the nervousness that the boys and I do, I'm thankful for that. She is more like her daddy and takes things in stride with an "I don't care, all is good" attitude.

As for me, I'm hanging in there with everything. The scale is still up and doesn't seem to be moving back down. I won't lie, it's stressing me out some but I know if I just keep the course it will eventually move back down. Yesterday was a success with food and exercise so I felt good about that at least. I came in at 1820 calories for the day and got in a 4.3 mile walk after work. The walk kind of killed my back for the rest of the evening but that was my own fault with running the first 1/2 mile. I don't know what gets into me to think I can run yet. Plus I wasn't wearing a girdle thing so that sure didn't help either.

Today though everything is feeling ok. I decided not to wear the top compression garment today too but already my left elbow is hurting, sigh lol. Sometimes I make silly decisions for myself but I guess it's all a process I have to learn. Plus I do at some point have to get use to not having the security of the compression stuff.

Yesterday marked 7 weeks since surgery. Even though the scale is up, yesterday was one of those days where I looked in the mirror and felt thin. I had put on a t-shirt to walk in and even Marie said I looked skinny :) Mike of course had to add "with big hooters" lol and we all laughed. I have come to realize that feeling thin is all a mental thing and it's in my hands to feel that way. I wish I felt that way everyday.

Sleep wasn't the best last night, didn't manage to fall asleep till after 2am. I really need to work on that more. Hopefully tonight will go better not thinking about Nick's first day.

Tonight I'm going to TOPS though I won't be weighing in. I'm hopeful within another week or two I will be back in leeway. I will give myself 2 weeks. If I'm not then I will weigh-in anyway and then I will have just 2 more weeks to get back in leeway or lose my KOPS status which I definitely won't let happen. So basically I have a month to lose about 5 lbs, definitely doable. I like having something to works towards anyway.

So yesterday I survived my first earthquake. It was a 5.8 on the rector scale about a 100 miles away. It shook the whole building but thankfully nothing fell or crumbled around me. It lasted about a minute and was definitely a weird feeling. Makes you feel grateful for the good things.

Well back to work, till next time...

My Boy Is Going To High School

2011-08-23T11:39:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe that tomorrow Nicholas will be going to high school. How fast it seems our children grow up. Just seemed yesterday we were calling Nicholas "nickle pickle" or "little man" :) Now I have to get use to calling him Nick, it still feels weird coming out of my mouth.

I always want to be the one that takes the children to their "first" whatever it is so I sent Marie off to soccer practice with Mike last night and Nick and I went to open house at the high school. We were early so had to wait outside for 30 mins which got us both very full of anxiety. Sad but true I think I've given my son anxiety issues, hopefully not as bad as mine though.

So finally we get in the school and it's mob city. Then they have it so screwy how you have to get your class schedule and being that our last name starts with a W of course we aren't at the front of the list. So we have to locate a school map so we can even find where we are suppose to get his schedule at lol. We manage though through the couple of thousand of people that are there. Then we start weaving our way through the hallways to his different classrooms. He made me smile with his "see another good reason to be thin" comment as we weaved through the people easily. Not that I will ever think of myself as thin but it did give me pause to think how it would have been in my 350+ lb days trying to manuvere through all those people.

By 7pm we had met all his teachers and were heading to walmart for a few more school items for him that we had forgot and a few groceries. We talked in the car about how he thought it might actually be possible for him to get honor roll the first semester and earn himself a cell phone. I sure hope that's the case. After the past 4 yrs being a struggle with him and finding something to motivate him I sure hope the cell phone idea works. I sure hope school goes ok for him tomorrow. He has to catch the bus at 7:05am which is early for him. It was a struggling getting the kids out the door by 7:25 and that was just to the end of the driveway. Nick will have to walk about 3 or so mins down the road to wait.

It was kind of weird going to the store with Nicholas. It really made me realize just how much of a hermit he's been these past many months. I don't think we had been to the store together in probably 4 or more months. Truthfully I don't think he's left the house more than 3-4 times since school let out. Hopefully now he will get out a little more.

Marie's first day was today. She just has a half day today and tomorrow. We did good I thought getting up and ready. Her bus is usually really early on the first day. Of course since I send her out at 7:10 it comes on time at 7:25 lol but at least now we know. It's funny how different Nick and Marie are, she's very much into making sure her hair and teeth are brushed and that she has on deoderant where Nicholas seems to care less lol. I'm guessing though as he gets older that might change when girls come into the picture.

As for me, I did some extra eating last night out of stress. It had to do with I came home from shopping very tired and Marie was very tired and she had herself a nice old meltdown about drawing a picture of stick people on the cover of her summer project lol. Before I knew it I was having my own meltdown. Finally she finished it though and went on to bed. But it had already made me feel bad that I yelled at her the night before her first day. Wish we could all hold it together better sometimes but I know that's not always reality.

I have taken melantonin the past 2 nights and it does seem to make me sleepy though I can't say I'm going to bed all that early. But I'll keep working on myself. I think part of it is I don't give myself a chance to be tired because I lay there playing games on my itouch whereas I think if I just laid there in the dark trying to fall alseep I probably would earlier.

This morning I still woke up with diarrhea, it's been a week now. Not sure what it's all about. I took some immodium but my stomach is still rolling here at work and I've been to the bathroom again :( I hope whatever it is I have goes away soon.

My weight was still up but down a few lbs from yesterday at least. I just have to realize that though I'm eating more than I should I'm not going crazy. I'm still off sweets and that's the big one for me. Hopefully by next week I'll be in a better frame of mind. I'm still trying to eat only when I'm hungry. I'm finding it easier at work and I'm not grazing all day as much as I was but at night I'm still in that rebellious "I'm not hungry but I'm going to eat anyway mode". After I was in bed last night and had already had 2 sugar free fudgesicles and some grapes I ended up plucking my eyebrows instead of going back to the kitchen for more food. After like 30 mins of that torture I finally feel asleep :)

Tonight I plan on walking or going to the gym, whichever I decide after I get home from work and make dinner. I think next week I'm going to start strength training again. I will probably just do step ups with small hand weights or maybe a few of the machines. I really need to be careful with my incisions still since I found the one around my backside hurting yesterday from all the bending over I did gardening on Sunday. It seems to feel ok today but I need to be careful because sometimes the pain doesn't show up for a day or so.

I'm not wearing a girdle thing today but still in my compression garment up top and a camisole. I probably don't need the girdle thing anymore but I do feel a bit naked without it. Not that anyone needed to know that lol.

Well I better try to find something to do here.

Till next time...

I Finally Figured Out My Commenting Problem

2011-08-22T13:51:00.000-04:00

It's been months now of not being able to comment to some folks blogs here at work. Well today I tried something new and it actually worked so hopefully now I can comment to everyone's blogs again. I'm so excited.

Ok, what I did was after I typed in my comment under the little pull down menu I picked "Name/URL" instead of google account and then I just typed in my name and blog URL and it took it. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited to be able to post again. Hopefully this might help someone else that has been having trouble too.

Monday Again

2011-08-22T10:58:00.001-04:00

Seemed like the weekend flew by on me. I felt good over all about it with our 6 1/2 mile walk on Saturday and our gardening on Sunday. I'm already ready for it to be Friday again though lol. I'm guessing this week will fly by especially with the kids going back to school. I'll admit I'm not ready to be getting up early again for school days but maybe it will help me sleep better at night.

I can tell Marie is excited about going back to school but not Nicholas though he did do his summer project yesterday and actually did extra and made a comment that if everything he had to do was that interesting he would do good this year, I'm hoping that will be the case. Open house is tonight and I will take him to that and Mike will take Marie to soccer practice.

Marie starts school tomorrow and I'm still not sure about her bus time. I am going to look around online and see if I can find anything which is what I did with Nicholas. Looks like Nicholas will be getting on the bus at 7:05 which is EARLY for me :) Marie will be around 7:25. Which will mean hopefully for me I will be getting to work again by 8am which means I get to get off at 4 which will be nice.

My weight was way up this morning. I just weighed on Friday though so I don't think a 6 lb increase is real weight so I will just wait it out and see what it looks like in another few days. I know that I worked myself hard out in the yard yesterday and I do have some extra swelling going on today plus TTOM started yesterday. I have been eating more this past week though so I'm guessing I earned a few of the lbs. I'm not going to get worked up over it though as I know I am capable of roping in the eating and getting a few lbs back off.

People asked about the compression garments and how long I have to wear them. Well like last time it's really up to me. Generally for the stomach area it's 4-6 weeks doctors orders but after that then like last time I can switch to the girdle things which are more comfortable than the big garment and I will probably wear it another several weeks, possibly a month. As for the top garment well with the arms I'm having some pain at the elbow area when I don't wear it. Yesterday I didn't wear it while gardening and I'm suffering some today at the elbows and one spot on my upper left arm so I definitely know I need to wear it when I do a lot of activity. The incisions still have I'd say another month at least to totally heal. So I will probably continue to wear the top suit for several more weeks at least during work hours and when working out.

Oh, Kari asked about if I have any back pain from having bigger boobs, no I don't. From what I know each implant only weighs just over a lb and I did have some skin removed from the breast area so I'm guessing it even out pretty well.

Concerning the boobs, well I just have incisions around the aureoles and the left one for some reason has been swelling on me the past several days. So I just think wearing the full top compression suit is beneficial to me to keep the swelling down there too so I'm not in pain. I also wear a camisole over everything under my clothes so that I feel more smooth and not all lumpy where I have some back skin wanting to squish out between the top compression garment and the girdle thing lol.

So to say I'm in double clothing is an understatement when on top I'm actually in 3 sets of clothes lol. I know it sounds crazy but right now it makes me feel secure. Sometimes it does seem crazy to think I had all this surgery so I can still feel self conscious about myself. Nicholas put it well though when he said one day before I had the second surgery "well you will regret it if you have it or you don't have it mom". I laughed when he said that but I knew he was right. The difference is though that with time I will let the regret of having it done go but had I not had it done I would always regret that choice I think. I can say when I look at myself in the mirror naked now I definitely like what I see better than any time in my life. Will I still be self conscious about stuff, sure. But then I think everyone feels self conscious about something with their bodies.

My pumpkin/cranberry protein bar was yummy this morning, they came out really good this time. I'm hoping over the next few days I can eat less and drop a few lbs. I don't want to start stressing over weight again. I know it does me no good and just makes matters worse. I really am trying to continue to have some peace with food and with the scale.

Bossman is back in the office today. I know he has catching up to do after being on vacation for a week so I'm not going to bug him to much. Hopefully he'll figure out something for me to do tomorrow even if it's just busy work.

Well till tomorrow...

Peaceful Sunday

2011-08-21T16:58:00.000-04:00

Well I made it through last night without a bunch of extra eating. I went to sleep by about 12:30am too which is good for me since the past several days it's been 2 or later before I can fall asleep.

Today I slept in and then got up and made some pumpkin cream of wheat for breakfast then lazed around for awhile till I could talk myself into going outside and tackling some of the weeds and gardening. I finally got my butt out there about noon. I decided to just wear my camisole and girdle thing with some shorts and a t-shirt. It felt good not being in the compression suit or a bra, yea I let the new girls free lol.

I managed to trim 12 bushes (pretty big ones too) and Mike came out and helped me weed most of the front flower beds. It felt so good to not see all those weeds, still a bunch left though. We really need some mulch in the beds but that might have to wait awhile. My new bushes out back are so over run with weeds I'm guessing few survive. I'm bummed about that but had already knew that the azaleas weren't going to make it from lack of water. It seems if I'm not tending to the gardening it just doesn't get tended to. I guess I will be planting new bushes next year. I figure I will be in much better health then and can really work on getting the backyard looking like I want it to. Today we just focused on the side and front yard.

I'm not having any after effects of our 6 1/2 mile walk yesterday so I was glad about that. I'm guessing my arms might be hurting tomorrow from all the bush trimming/weeding today but right now they don't feel to bad. They actually feel pretty stretched which I think will be good for them in the long run.

I have some pumpkin/cranberry protein bars in the oven. I doubt Mike will eat them but I was out of bananas so I figured I'd make some with pumpkin since I enjoy them. I wish he was more willing to try new things, maybe he'll surprise me :) I also made some peanut butter cookies with the coconut flour. They came out a strange texture but it wasn't bad, not cakey but not chewy either, moist though and everyone seemed to like them. They were only 54 calories a piece too which I didn't think was to bad. I might try to make them with peanut flour next time but then I would need to use some oil and I didn't want to screw them up trying to figure out the balance so thought I would just follow the recipe. I divided them all up so will have a few as a snack over the next few days.

I haven't weighed myself in a few days. I didn't want the "intuitive eating" freaking me out if my weight crept up a lb or two. I figure I will take a look in the morning to see where I'm at. I'll get to go to TOPS this week since Marie's practice is canceled because it's the public kids first day of school. I'm pretty bummed about not getting to TOPS every week but I want Marie to get to play soccer this season.

Tomorrow is Nicholas's open house for high school. I hope he isn't freaked out about it. I know the school seems huge to him. I still can't believe school is just a few days away for both of them. Marie goes back on Tuesday and Nicholas Wednesday.

I seem to be having my usual Sunday peace with food going on so I'm hoping it will continue through the evening. I'm hoping I will feel tired enough to go to bed at a decent hour. One of my commenters mentioned melatonin for sleep, a natural sleep aid. I had forgot I had some a friend had given me to try so I might try it tonight. I had tried it after my last surgery and though it didn't seem to work to well but maybe it will this time, can't hurt to try it again.

Wish it was still Saturday, not really ready to go back to work tomorrow but such is life.

Well till next time...

Food Issues

2011-08-20T20:19:00.000-04:00

Yep, I have food issues but way to many times I can't even figure out what is causing them. It makes you wonder sometimes how you got to be the person you are.

Last night I found myself eating again and not able to sleep. I'm thinking one thing I can try is to get off all caffeine. Not that I drink a lot of caffeine but more than I use to and more lately since surgery. So that is going to be my first plan of action. If that doesn't help then I will try to find some ways to relax more at night. I think if I can fix the sleep issues it will definitely fix some of the eating at night issues since it's way late at night after I've tried to sleep for several hours that will send me to the kitchen to eat till I finally fall into bed full of food that finally seems to help me sleep. Definitely not what I want to continue doing.

I'm struggling with the whole "am I hungry" thing because I find myself being the rebellious child and saying "no I'm not hungry but I'm going to eat anyway". I do think it is helping me not eat sweets because I'm trying to make them not off limits and then I don't even want them which is definitely a good thing. But when it come to just eating I still seem to be eating even when I know I'm not hungry.

Mike and I have had more conversations about "intuitive eating" and "food issues" and how some things just can't be brought into the house or I will eat it till it's gone. I wish I could figure these things out about myself.

I don't think reading this book or testing out other things is a bad thing for me. I do want to release myself of fear. I think as time goes on I will more and more but I still struggle when I have my eating episodes and doubting myself.

Well enough of all that. Today Mike and I walked our 6 miles for the marathon training with my 2 co-workers (that are in TOPS with us) over on the Naval base. It's surrounded by water and really beautiful so I really loved our walk. We paired off, the 2 men and us women. We had a good chat. I've worked with them for 22 yrs and they are always so kind to me, they are both in their 60's. It was sweet too that B had planned a little picnic for us. I think it was the first time I had ever had a picnic planned by a man :) he did a great job with everything.

Tomorrow I am telling myself I will do some gardening but we will see. I'm still fighting the stomach bug, not sure why it's hanging on so long. I'm hoping it will go away. I'm glad it's still Saturday.

I have some swelling going on on my chest, not sure why but it's quite painful and just started yesterday. I have been wearing my compression suit to work and when I exercise but otherwise haven't been because it's not the most comfortable thing. I keep hoping in another week or so I can just be normal. I still have swelling in my stomach area too when I'm not wearing a girdle thing. All my incisions are healing up pretty well. I still have a few tender spots and some muscle/nerve pain at times but overall I'm healing up well. I can't wait till I'm totally healed and out of double clothing.

I know everyone would like to see pictures. I've never been one that liked pictures and through all this I really haven't taken many. I have yet to take a picture of myself even for myself since surgery. But I will get Mike to take a few soon at least in clothing though truthfully I'm not sure without some kind of comparison pics I don't know that anyone can really see a lot of difference (well except maybe the boobs lol).

Hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Till next time...

Figuring Out Night Eating

2011-08-19T10:44:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm really trying to be in touch with my feelings, my eating patterns, when I'm really hungry and my levels of hunger. Yet, I still find myself giving myself permission to eat late at night. Yesterday was a good day with food till the night time. At work I did realize that I tend to graze and finish all food I start to eat but I never allow myself to really go over a 5-6 on the scale of fullness but then I never really let myself get hungry during the work day either. Like I had said yesterday I don't know that I think that's a bad thing for me so I was feeling fine about it all.

I also had a small victory yesterday afternoon at quitting time. In the past at times I had allowed myself one small piece of candy out of the candy bowl here at work. Just as I was leaving for the day (to keep me from going back) I told myself go ahead and have a piece. In the book it had said to pick something you really wanted and savor it. Well as I looked at the candy in the bowl I realized that there really wasn't any piece that totally thrilled me at the idea of savoring it so I decided not to have a piece and just left for the day. I felt great about that choice as I road home and thought that really not making foods "good" or "bad" was going to work for me.

I got home and started making dinner. I wasn't hungry so I just made dinner without eating a snack as I made it. Then after Mike got home I decided to go for a walk before I ate dinner. I still am not feeling the best so was feeling kind of tired but know I need to get moving with the walking since I only have 8 weeks left till the half marathon. So I went and did 3 miles. Came back, showered and ate dinner. I did find myself wanting to eat more after dinner and had a few sugar free fudgesicles and ate 2 peanut butter crackers though my hunger scale was a bit past full (5 is full I'd say I was at about a 6 or 7).

Mike and I had a long talk about intuitive eating and really listening to what your body says instead of your mind. We both agreed that we really didn't think it was something that could work for someone that had a lot of weight to still lose but that maybe it was something that could work for someone like me that had lost a lot of weight and now just wanted to drop a few more lbs or at least have more peace with food. I thought it was a great talk.

Then we went to bed early. Not that you need to know this but after *wink wink* I'm always thirsty and want to eat something. I was going to type hungry but last night I realized that it's not hunger because it was clear my stomach still felt full. But I got up anyway and went and made a 240 calorie turkey and cheese sandwich with a diet soda (I don't drink much soda so was weird I picked that). So I ate that in bed and then tried to fall asleep. When I couldn't I got back up and though my hunger scale was at like a 7 by then I ate a 1/2 a banana with cereal as I read one of my TOPS magazines sitting on the sofa.

All during this I kept asking myself "am I hungry?" and I kept answering myself "NO" yet I kept on eating then even went back for the other half of banana and some more cereal (to the tune of like 700 calories for both bowls). I kept saying to myself "you can still eat if you want to you're allowed" "you don't have to stop even though your hunger scale is at 8-9". As I finished the second bowl of cereal I kept wondering what it was all about? My need to get up and eat till I really felt uncomfortable. It's not something I often do but something I still do sometimes. It's usually late at night too.

So after I got back in bed I really did feel uncomfortably full. I remember waking in the night a few times thinking I could be sick, feeling bile in my throat. I know all this is yucky to talk about but it is my reality at times. It is something I don't usually talk about because I'm suppose to be the success, the one that doesn't do this sort of thing anymore. But this really is why I want to dig deeper and figure it out. Figure out my need to eat when I'm clearly not hungry.

When I woke up this morning I still felt sick. I had diarrhea still too (have been having it the past 3 days since the stomach bug). I'm sure eating all that last night didn't help my stomach situation. I thought this morning is there something deeper that drives me to eat at night? Is it some childhood thing but I then wondered why I would even think that. I wondered why that came to my mind this morning. Maybe it is. Truthfully though I don't want to worry about that but more just want to stop the night eating. I know nothing from my past can hurt me physically now it is just a mental thing. I kept trying to think last night too what emotion I was having and all I could think about was that I wanted to sleep and that I knew continuing to eat would eventually overload my system and knock me out.

Anyway, I'm still thinking I'm headed in the right direction here even if it isn't to an end result of what people call intuitive eating it is to an end result of sorting out more of my food issues with myself and understanding my need for food when I'm clearly not hungry.

After 4 yrs on this journey I do see a ton of positive changes in myself concerning so many things. But there is still more work to be done. I do want peace with food, real peace. I want to be in charge of myself in a way that doesn't feel restrictive. I also don't want to be afraid and continue to live in fear of gaining this weight back. I really believe I wouldn't have these episodes if I truly trusted myself not to creep back up the scale. I do think my issues with food are definitely based in fear. It could be past fear that I don't need to feel anymore or it could be now fear or maybe a mixture of both. I am still trying to figure that part out. But I'm glad to be trying.

They say everything happens for a reason and I do think with many things we pick the time in our lives that is right to venture down the road to recovery. I'm still walking down my road.

Till next time...