I started this post like Monday I think and here it is Wednesday and I’m still not finished.
The rest of my Saturday was really nice. Mike and Nick took Marie to her soccer game and I came home to finish my dish for the neighbor’s party. After Marie’s game everyone showered and Mike, Marie and I headed to Elm’s beach for the party. We had a really nice time. I hadn’t hung out with my neighbor and her family in a long time. So it was nice hearing all the compliments (most hadn’t seen me since before my surgeries) so I guess I looked like I had lost more weight. Of course the neighbour had to talk about my new boobs too lol but she’s always so funny it didn’t make me feel funny. They were all shocked at Mike’s appearance too and one lady thought I had gotten a new man lol. I’m sure it made him feel good too. Marie and I played on the playground and also took a walk on the beach. It was a really beautiful day.
I have to say the one downfall of the day was all the food. Even after almost 5 yrs on this journey I still can’t seem to control myself when around a large amount of food. Not sure why I can’t just make it about seeing and talking to all the great people and spending time with everyone. But I could see how for Mike, Marie and I we were all 3 quite focused on the food just eating and eating whatever we wanted. It made me see how I’m still a food addict. After we got home we all 3 needed a nap from the busy day and too much food.
Sunday I woke up feeling pretty achy and sluggish. It’s been clear to me for a long time now that eating poorly makes me feel poorly. I can really see how the sugar affects my joints and so many other things. It seems to take several days to work the crap food out of my system.
Mike had plans for Sunday to go to the beer festival down at the local college. So we went and picked up my boss and co-worker and I dropped the 3 of them at the festival. I went back home and changed clothes and hit the road for my 6 mile walk. I finished 6.3 miles in 99 mins for a 3.82 mph speed. Since I’ve never really been concerned about mph before it’s a little frustrating to me that it seems like I’m slower on my road. I’m guessing it’s that there are 2 large hills on the road and I’m doing several laps so it slows down my speed over all when I’m doing more mileage. The walk wasn’t too bad though.
After my walk I had to hustle it back to pick up my boss and take him back to the office (he was working Sunday) and then I went home and cooked a bunch for the week. So I have lots of stuff all packaged up for Mike and I and I’m feeling good about that. I’m doing a buddy thing with Grace too so hopefully that will help. I need all the extra support I can get. So far I’ve done pretty good with this but I know myself, usually after a few days I start trying to talk myself into stuff. It is helping knowing I will need to report to Grace each day though so I will just keep on self talking and hopefully I’ll listen.
Still have my girlfriend on my mind. I’ve texted a bit with her the past day and I know I just need to leave her be. I can read a bit of bitterness in her words. Maybe I’m wrong but it just seems she feels I don’t need her that I have a good family which of course I do but I also know she could use a friend right now and it’s about me wanting to be there for her. But I guess she really doesn’t want that so I need to just make myself move on emotionally from it all. I will send her a card or something on her Birthday (July) but I need to just leave it lie. It’s hard for me though. I think reading the books I have been lately I’m really trying to focus on living in today and I guess I want her to be a part of my today.
I’m just about finished Janet’s book and I’m getting a lot out of her “Because I Can”. Funny that a line my therapist always said to Kevin (and me at times) was “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should” lol but with Janet’s book it’s definitely a “because I can, I should try” kind of statement. Funny too that just a week after Dana’s comment about living for today Janet’s msg is the same. So I'm really going to do my best to do that.
Monday night I got in a 4 mile walk and last night Marie and I finally got to take that bike ride. I think I could have rode another several miles but she was pooped out. Funny I can wear my 10 yr old out though she got up that big hill and I had to walk my bike up it. Should I blame it on she has 7 gears and I only have 3? Lol I did make it up the second hill this time though so that’s progress. I’m hoping next week we can get down to her friend’s house and have her and her mom go out for a ride with us. After our ride Mike cooked out and we sat on the back porch and had dinner, was a beautiful evening. Nick even asked to play a game with me and we ended up playing 2 games of chinese checkers and a game of chess.
Today I’m actually hoping for rain so that Mike can go to TOPS with me. Only a few more weeks though of soccer and then we will be back to going weekly. I really miss going every week for sure. This week I’m taking my neighbor’s mom with me. She just lives behind us so it’s convenient. Her mom is getting a bit of dementia so it will give her a bit of a break once a week. Plus her mom is really sweet and I think she will like our little group.
Weight is still up so will be out of leeway tonight. But I'm hopeful within a week or two I can be back down. I'm not feeling bad about it, rather liking myself these days. I'm finding I'm wearing clothes I would never of thought I would wear a year ago. It feels good to not be so self conscious about my body.
Well I’ve rambled enough, hope everyone has a great Memorial weekend. I head to Delaware for the TOPS convention Friday morning. I’m looking forward to getting away a few days.
Till next time…
Where did I get that outfit? lol
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Mike's The Man
I just got back from our 5k. It was an interesting time :) Think I mentioned that at the last minute Nick decided he wanted to do it with us. Of course I was glad he wanted to do something all together so I signed him up on Thursday. Getting ready I came to realize that my son has a lot of the same issues I do. It seems kind of amazing to me that my tall slender son would be self conscious of his body. But he wore sweat pants and a hoodie because he was self conscious of his legs and arms. Instead of me being understanding it stressed me out for some reason. Maybe it was my own stuff coming to surface and it made me full of anxiety. I did let it go though and tried to think of it from his point of view. I do realize that most people have some body issues and I'm sure it's even more so as a teenager.
So when we got to the race we were pretty early so we had to stand around awhile. It was right on the water so it was a great place for the race. When we started off finally Mike started to run and he just kept on running, he ended up running the whole race. He hadn't been running so it was pretty amazing to me that he could keep going for the full 3 miles but he did :) I was so proud of him. Even more amazing was he beat my running time of my first 5k I did a few years ago by almost a minute :) I remembered how I had done the couch to 5k and had really trained for that first 5k and there was Mike just winging it and doing it well :)
As for me, my plan was to walk as fast as I could and try to keep a steady pace the whole race. Marie had started off running with Mike but soon fell back to Nick and I and then soon fell back behind us. I was very torn about should I slow down to walk with her or just keep at my pace. I finally decided that we would all eventually finish the race no matter what speed each of us did. Nick was determined he wasn't letting me beat him and so the whole 3 miles he complained and went on that I was going to fast lol. He said he was embarrassed that his parents were beating him. So him and I ended the race at 43:46 so that was a 4.25mph speed which I was very happy with. As for Mike he managed a 4.85mph speed so Mike was definitely the man of the day :)
As for Marie, well Mike and I walked back and walked the last little bit with her. She ended with a 3.62mph so not terrible for a 10 yr old. But she said as she was walking by herself she kept thinking about how she should have listened to me and practiced some :) It really sounded like both of the kids would like to do more in the future and actually train for them a little so maybe they can show us up, as they should :)
After the race they had a cookout and stuff, it was a really nice race. It was for the injured Marines Semper Fi Fund so for a really good cause. I think I will try to plan another family 5k maybe in the Fall. I really think it's something good for us as a family. While out there walking with Nick and him complaining about how fast I was walking lol it really did make me think how far I've come. I told him he shouldn't feel embarrassed he should feel proud of Mike and I and that we aren't sitting on the couch anymore. He said he was but he also said after the race he was coming home and taking a nap lol.
Till next time...
So when we got to the race we were pretty early so we had to stand around awhile. It was right on the water so it was a great place for the race. When we started off finally Mike started to run and he just kept on running, he ended up running the whole race. He hadn't been running so it was pretty amazing to me that he could keep going for the full 3 miles but he did :) I was so proud of him. Even more amazing was he beat my running time of my first 5k I did a few years ago by almost a minute :) I remembered how I had done the couch to 5k and had really trained for that first 5k and there was Mike just winging it and doing it well :)
As for me, my plan was to walk as fast as I could and try to keep a steady pace the whole race. Marie had started off running with Mike but soon fell back to Nick and I and then soon fell back behind us. I was very torn about should I slow down to walk with her or just keep at my pace. I finally decided that we would all eventually finish the race no matter what speed each of us did. Nick was determined he wasn't letting me beat him and so the whole 3 miles he complained and went on that I was going to fast lol. He said he was embarrassed that his parents were beating him. So him and I ended the race at 43:46 so that was a 4.25mph speed which I was very happy with. As for Mike he managed a 4.85mph speed so Mike was definitely the man of the day :)
As for Marie, well Mike and I walked back and walked the last little bit with her. She ended with a 3.62mph so not terrible for a 10 yr old. But she said as she was walking by herself she kept thinking about how she should have listened to me and practiced some :) It really sounded like both of the kids would like to do more in the future and actually train for them a little so maybe they can show us up, as they should :)
After the race they had a cookout and stuff, it was a really nice race. It was for the injured Marines Semper Fi Fund so for a really good cause. I think I will try to plan another family 5k maybe in the Fall. I really think it's something good for us as a family. While out there walking with Nick and him complaining about how fast I was walking lol it really did make me think how far I've come. I told him he shouldn't feel embarrassed he should feel proud of Mike and I and that we aren't sitting on the couch anymore. He said he was but he also said after the race he was coming home and taking a nap lol.
Till next time...
Friday, May 18, 2012
My Week
Well I didn’t get to take that bike ride with Marie Tuesday night. She’s the nap girl and was snoozing when I got home. By the time she finally got up it was too late to get ourselves together to go. But we did finally manage a ride last night. I had already walked 3 miles because she was snoozing but when I got back she was up and asking if we could go so I said ok. So we rode down to her girlfriend’s house. It was getting late and her girlfriend’s mom wasn’t home so we said we would come back next week and maybe she could take a ride with us and her mom too. So we will do that for sure.
I went to the gym on Tuesday. I got in some weight lifting and I got in a good fast walk. I averaged 4.2 mph with a high of 4.6 mph for part of it, which is my best time so far. I’m really trying to get my speed to at least 4.0mph on a consistent basis. I know as my walks get longer that will really show me how I’m really doing. My 8 mile walk Sunday was only at a 3.67mph speed which isn’t fast enough for marathon time (Need at least 3.75mph). So I will continue doing like Dave said and work on speed with my shorter walks and that will lead over to the long walks as my training continues. I can walk faster on the treadmill but that’s really because it pushes me along, out on the road I just tend to walk a bit slower. I still have plenty of time so I’m not too worried. Really I just want to get my body prepared for that much time on the road, before I know it a 12 mile walk will be the norm lol.
Been having ok days with food and been feeling pretty good mentally. I tend to be the type that once I wrap my mind around something I just move forward so I think I’ve finally done that with all the things that have went on in the past few weeks. Feel like it was a lot to take in and process so glad to be done with most of it now. My girlfriend is still on my mind but I’m just leaving it be like I said I would. Almost texted “miss you” yesterday but not even sure how that would be received. I don’t know how she’s feeling these days and it’s clear she doesn’t want me to or she’d be talking. It hurts but I know the more time that goes by the less painful it will feel.
An old friend contacted me the other day and we had lunch together yesterday. Some of you might remember the gym lady I had met through her husband. She was always standing me up at the gym but as just friends we do just fine. I hadn’t seen her in well over a year so it was nice catching up. She’s a very sweet lady. Sounds like she’s doing better and finally found a new job so hopefully other things will fall into place for her too.
Saturday Mike, the kids and I have our 5k on the Naval base in the morning then Marie’s soccer game at 11:30, she’ll be a tired girl for sure but she seemed to want to do both so that’s fine with me. Nick at the last minute said he wanted to do the 5k with us so I signed him up yesterday. It will be nice having the whole family doing it together. I also have a party to go to for the neighbor’s son, he’s moving to Washington State June 1st with his family. I haven’t seen my neighbor in the past many months so it will be nice to hang out with her and her family. I always feel so welcome with them though I’m guessing her mom will give me hell for not coming to see her all these months when she lives right next door. I really need to reach out more, so many nice people around me.
Sunday Mike is going to a beer festival down at the local college with his buddy (my co-worker) and also my boss so I’ll be their designated driver. I think my boss really needs a break from work so I told him I would pick him up at the office for at least a few hours and then take him back. It will do him good to get away from it all and hang out with Mike and C.
I think Marie and I might go to a thing with J (my TOPS lady) at the firehouse on Sunday while the guys are at the festival. They are combining tastefully simple, Tupperware and pamper chef stuff. I’m sure there’s something I could use for the kitchen. Have to get in a 6 mile walk on Sunday too. I kind of like the training where you do more miles then less the next week, it gives you a bit of a break than just more and more and more. So it will be 6 this week then 10 next week.
Next weekend I’ll be going to Delaware with J for their SRD. Though I think it’s a secret I don’t think there are any Delaware TOPS folks on here so I can tell that the President of TOPS will be coming. I’ve only gotten to speak to her once at IRD in Nova Scotia and just for a few minutes so it will be nice getting to actually spend a few days with her. I was feeling guilty about going but I’ve decided I’m not going to feel guilt about that kind of stuff anymore because it’s good for me. I did tell Mike he was welcome to come with the kids and get a room but honestly he’s not interested. I think he just likes complaining about me going off without him sometimes lol.
Don’t know if any of you read Janet’s blog but she has a sale going on for her book “Because I Can”. I got the honor of meeting Janet at fitbloggin last year and it really was a gift to me. She is an extraordinary woman and I can’t wait to read her book.
Well I feel like I’ve written a book here so think I will post it lol. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
Till next time…
I went to the gym on Tuesday. I got in some weight lifting and I got in a good fast walk. I averaged 4.2 mph with a high of 4.6 mph for part of it, which is my best time so far. I’m really trying to get my speed to at least 4.0mph on a consistent basis. I know as my walks get longer that will really show me how I’m really doing. My 8 mile walk Sunday was only at a 3.67mph speed which isn’t fast enough for marathon time (Need at least 3.75mph). So I will continue doing like Dave said and work on speed with my shorter walks and that will lead over to the long walks as my training continues. I can walk faster on the treadmill but that’s really because it pushes me along, out on the road I just tend to walk a bit slower. I still have plenty of time so I’m not too worried. Really I just want to get my body prepared for that much time on the road, before I know it a 12 mile walk will be the norm lol.
Been having ok days with food and been feeling pretty good mentally. I tend to be the type that once I wrap my mind around something I just move forward so I think I’ve finally done that with all the things that have went on in the past few weeks. Feel like it was a lot to take in and process so glad to be done with most of it now. My girlfriend is still on my mind but I’m just leaving it be like I said I would. Almost texted “miss you” yesterday but not even sure how that would be received. I don’t know how she’s feeling these days and it’s clear she doesn’t want me to or she’d be talking. It hurts but I know the more time that goes by the less painful it will feel.
An old friend contacted me the other day and we had lunch together yesterday. Some of you might remember the gym lady I had met through her husband. She was always standing me up at the gym but as just friends we do just fine. I hadn’t seen her in well over a year so it was nice catching up. She’s a very sweet lady. Sounds like she’s doing better and finally found a new job so hopefully other things will fall into place for her too.
Saturday Mike, the kids and I have our 5k on the Naval base in the morning then Marie’s soccer game at 11:30, she’ll be a tired girl for sure but she seemed to want to do both so that’s fine with me. Nick at the last minute said he wanted to do the 5k with us so I signed him up yesterday. It will be nice having the whole family doing it together. I also have a party to go to for the neighbor’s son, he’s moving to Washington State June 1st with his family. I haven’t seen my neighbor in the past many months so it will be nice to hang out with her and her family. I always feel so welcome with them though I’m guessing her mom will give me hell for not coming to see her all these months when she lives right next door. I really need to reach out more, so many nice people around me.
Sunday Mike is going to a beer festival down at the local college with his buddy (my co-worker) and also my boss so I’ll be their designated driver. I think my boss really needs a break from work so I told him I would pick him up at the office for at least a few hours and then take him back. It will do him good to get away from it all and hang out with Mike and C.
I think Marie and I might go to a thing with J (my TOPS lady) at the firehouse on Sunday while the guys are at the festival. They are combining tastefully simple, Tupperware and pamper chef stuff. I’m sure there’s something I could use for the kitchen. Have to get in a 6 mile walk on Sunday too. I kind of like the training where you do more miles then less the next week, it gives you a bit of a break than just more and more and more. So it will be 6 this week then 10 next week.
Next weekend I’ll be going to Delaware with J for their SRD. Though I think it’s a secret I don’t think there are any Delaware TOPS folks on here so I can tell that the President of TOPS will be coming. I’ve only gotten to speak to her once at IRD in Nova Scotia and just for a few minutes so it will be nice getting to actually spend a few days with her. I was feeling guilty about going but I’ve decided I’m not going to feel guilt about that kind of stuff anymore because it’s good for me. I did tell Mike he was welcome to come with the kids and get a room but honestly he’s not interested. I think he just likes complaining about me going off without him sometimes lol.
Don’t know if any of you read Janet’s blog but she has a sale going on for her book “Because I Can”. I got the honor of meeting Janet at fitbloggin last year and it really was a gift to me. She is an extraordinary woman and I can’t wait to read her book.
Well I feel like I’ve written a book here so think I will post it lol. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
Till next time…
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Crawling Out of The Past
Short post today, busy at work as I have been. I'm doing my best to crawl out of the past and live for today, thanks for the reminder Dana, I needed to read that :) I don't want to piss all over today lol. I am lucky. I remember reading someones post once though that talked about it not being luck that it was something you did for myself and I do believe that though I also do believe in luck too since it seems throughout my life even when things seem super tough good things always seem to happen too. I'm thankful for my life now and I do need to live for today.
I started reading a book that seemed to appear magically on the top of my huge book pile. I'm guessing it happened the day Nick was rummaging around looking for the xbox in our room lol. But regardless of how it got there I think it was meant to. So I am reading "Making Peace With Your Past" and though it's very religious I am getting some good stuff out of it. I can tell where my resentments still lie and also where I have let them go. I definitely still have work to do on myself.
Since last week I've thought of seeing Dr. N again but I think I'm just going to try to go forward on my own for another week and see where I am then. I know he's there for me but I also know at some point he won't be and so weaning myself isn't a bad thing. Plus the more I think about what's been going through my head the more I know it isn't something I need to carry.
As for my girlfriend well as Dr. N has said to me several times before it will work itself out. For now I'm going to leave it alone. I did send her a text on Mother's day and she sent one back. I will continue to do that when I feel the urge but I won't make it about anything but wanting to send out love and care her way. Whatever she sends back will be up to her.
I've been letting food control me these past few days too but today I'm done with that. I know it doesn't benefit me in anyway at all and after 2 days of sugar I feel like someone has drug me behind a car for a week, every part of me aches and I'm so tired yet can't sleep. I'm done abusing myself because really that's what it's been about, punishing myself for things I couldn't fix in others or even myself so many years ago. I can't change any of it so why keep beating myself up, it's ridiculous and silly. Today nothing unhealthy will pass my lips. I will be kind and good to myself.
Poor Mike, sometimes I feel sorry for him that he's stuck with me lol. I guess he's not stuck with me and I'm guessing he doesn't really feel that way :) but some days I wonder what must go through his head. I know sometimes he puts things on himself that aren't his fault in any way. Hopefully today will be a better day for him too.
I think tonight exercise will be about more than just burning some calories. If it's not raining I'm going to see if Marie wants to go for a bike ride with me. I think we will call up her girlfriend and her mom and see if they want to go too. I think I need some fun :) I need to be that 10 yr old I never got to be because that is definitely something I can do for myself :)
Life is good.
Till next time...
I started reading a book that seemed to appear magically on the top of my huge book pile. I'm guessing it happened the day Nick was rummaging around looking for the xbox in our room lol. But regardless of how it got there I think it was meant to. So I am reading "Making Peace With Your Past" and though it's very religious I am getting some good stuff out of it. I can tell where my resentments still lie and also where I have let them go. I definitely still have work to do on myself.
Since last week I've thought of seeing Dr. N again but I think I'm just going to try to go forward on my own for another week and see where I am then. I know he's there for me but I also know at some point he won't be and so weaning myself isn't a bad thing. Plus the more I think about what's been going through my head the more I know it isn't something I need to carry.
As for my girlfriend well as Dr. N has said to me several times before it will work itself out. For now I'm going to leave it alone. I did send her a text on Mother's day and she sent one back. I will continue to do that when I feel the urge but I won't make it about anything but wanting to send out love and care her way. Whatever she sends back will be up to her.
I've been letting food control me these past few days too but today I'm done with that. I know it doesn't benefit me in anyway at all and after 2 days of sugar I feel like someone has drug me behind a car for a week, every part of me aches and I'm so tired yet can't sleep. I'm done abusing myself because really that's what it's been about, punishing myself for things I couldn't fix in others or even myself so many years ago. I can't change any of it so why keep beating myself up, it's ridiculous and silly. Today nothing unhealthy will pass my lips. I will be kind and good to myself.
Poor Mike, sometimes I feel sorry for him that he's stuck with me lol. I guess he's not stuck with me and I'm guessing he doesn't really feel that way :) but some days I wonder what must go through his head. I know sometimes he puts things on himself that aren't his fault in any way. Hopefully today will be a better day for him too.
I think tonight exercise will be about more than just burning some calories. If it's not raining I'm going to see if Marie wants to go for a bike ride with me. I think we will call up her girlfriend and her mom and see if they want to go too. I think I need some fun :) I need to be that 10 yr old I never got to be because that is definitely something I can do for myself :)
Life is good.
Till next time...
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Last Weekend
Seemed like I spent so much time this week living in my past. It was a tough week but I think one I needed to go through so I could come out on the other side better for it. Last weekend though had way more ups than downs.
As I had wrote I had plans on seeing the family and an old friend. I went up on Saturday and picked up my mom. Ended up that my niece texted and wanted to go to lunch with us, her and the baby. So of course I said sure and I knew my mom would be thrilled to get to see the baby since she'd only seen her twice.
Then during lunch my niece texted my other niece who I hadn't seen in like 3 yrs and she was in transit right past the diner we were at so she stopped in so I could see her and she could meet the baby too. It was just really terrific getting to see everyone. I told her I would love to have her come visit us for a weekend so I'm going to do my best to make plans to go get her sometime during the summer. It's just been way to long and her and I use to be fairly close. I always remember as a little girl I would sing "You are my sunshine" to her. She was always such a sweet girl.
After lunch I went back to my mom's for awhile then I headed to my sister's. It was good getting to see her and even her husband seemed happy to see me and talked quite a bit which is unusual for him. It was just a pleasant visit. After that I headed to my nieces to spend the night. It was still early so we had dinner and played games with her husband. The baby was just so good and so darn cute too :) She seems to like me well enough so that's a good thing. After the baby and my niece's husband went to bed my niece and I ended up staying up till 4:30am talking like we use to do years ago. It felt like old times for sure.
Of course staying up half (more than half) the night made for a tired me in the morning when I was to head up to PA to see my friend. But I got my butt up and hit the road by 10am and got there before 11. We went to breakfast and then headed to see another old friend who we hung out with and then went to dinner with him and his wife. It was just a full day of reminiscing about our teen years. We even road through our old neighborhood. Seemed weird seeing my old house.
As we headed back to PA so I could get my car and head home I was flooded by memories of my teen years. Of realizing just how much I didn't live them. That if it hadn't been for my friend and his friends and my girlfriend I don't know what would have happened to me. It made me so grateful that they all came to me and wanted to be my friend. It also made me realize though all I missed out on, all I never got to do. It made me sad and before I knew it I was crying. I know he felt bad and I did my best to explain how I was feeling. We talked about how far I've come and though I'll never get those lost years back I have a really good life and I can and am living now.
After I left and headed home I really tried to process everything. Of course then I went into the rest of the week with the ex and all that mess in my head. So I was so glad I got to see Dr. N and sort a lot of things out. I'm guessing I might try to see him again this week though honestly I'm feeling a lot better.
Last night as Mike and I were sitting and watching our taped "The Voice" finale one of the singers started singing the song
"God gave me you"
I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you
Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you
Gave me you
There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you
Yeah!
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you
On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo
Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.
and before I knew it I was crying because I realized that God really did give me Mike. I have told him often that I searched for him but it was God that gave him to me. God gave me someone that could love me through anything. Goodness how grateful I am for his love each day. So as something from my past comes up to haunt me I will remember that life is good, MY life is good and nothing from my past can take that from me.
Today we got up and took Marie to her soccer game. Then we went and bought flowers and bushes and came home and planted everything. Then Mike cooked out and we sat on the back deck and ate. We sat out in the yard for a long time too :) Then before I knew it Marie and I were headed to the store where she picked out a doozy of a bike for me :) It is a beautiful light green with yellow and brown detailing, a pretty 3 speed cruiser. We brought it home and headed down my favorite road on our bikes. I just couldn't take the smile from my face and squeals of delight and she just laughed and laughed and said I was so funny because of how happy I was to be riding MY first 2 wheeler. As the wind rushed past me as I flew down the hill I again realized just how good my life is. I'm sure there will be many more rides to come together. Boy what a great day.
Happy Mother's day to all the mom's out there. I hope everyone has a terrific day. My plan for the day is to get up and do my 8 mile training walk and then be pampered by Mike and the kids the rest of the day :) Hope everyone else gets some pampering too.
Till next time...
As I had wrote I had plans on seeing the family and an old friend. I went up on Saturday and picked up my mom. Ended up that my niece texted and wanted to go to lunch with us, her and the baby. So of course I said sure and I knew my mom would be thrilled to get to see the baby since she'd only seen her twice.
Then during lunch my niece texted my other niece who I hadn't seen in like 3 yrs and she was in transit right past the diner we were at so she stopped in so I could see her and she could meet the baby too. It was just really terrific getting to see everyone. I told her I would love to have her come visit us for a weekend so I'm going to do my best to make plans to go get her sometime during the summer. It's just been way to long and her and I use to be fairly close. I always remember as a little girl I would sing "You are my sunshine" to her. She was always such a sweet girl.
After lunch I went back to my mom's for awhile then I headed to my sister's. It was good getting to see her and even her husband seemed happy to see me and talked quite a bit which is unusual for him. It was just a pleasant visit. After that I headed to my nieces to spend the night. It was still early so we had dinner and played games with her husband. The baby was just so good and so darn cute too :) She seems to like me well enough so that's a good thing. After the baby and my niece's husband went to bed my niece and I ended up staying up till 4:30am talking like we use to do years ago. It felt like old times for sure.
Of course staying up half (more than half) the night made for a tired me in the morning when I was to head up to PA to see my friend. But I got my butt up and hit the road by 10am and got there before 11. We went to breakfast and then headed to see another old friend who we hung out with and then went to dinner with him and his wife. It was just a full day of reminiscing about our teen years. We even road through our old neighborhood. Seemed weird seeing my old house.
As we headed back to PA so I could get my car and head home I was flooded by memories of my teen years. Of realizing just how much I didn't live them. That if it hadn't been for my friend and his friends and my girlfriend I don't know what would have happened to me. It made me so grateful that they all came to me and wanted to be my friend. It also made me realize though all I missed out on, all I never got to do. It made me sad and before I knew it I was crying. I know he felt bad and I did my best to explain how I was feeling. We talked about how far I've come and though I'll never get those lost years back I have a really good life and I can and am living now.
After I left and headed home I really tried to process everything. Of course then I went into the rest of the week with the ex and all that mess in my head. So I was so glad I got to see Dr. N and sort a lot of things out. I'm guessing I might try to see him again this week though honestly I'm feeling a lot better.
Last night as Mike and I were sitting and watching our taped "The Voice" finale one of the singers started singing the song
"God gave me you"
I've been a walking heartache
I've made a mess of me
The person that I've been lately
Ain't who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
And watch as the storm blows through
And I need you
Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you
Gave me you
There's more here than what we're seeing
A divine conspiracy
That you, an angel lovely
Could somehow fall for me
You'll always be love's great martyr
And I'll be the flattered fool
And I need you
Yeah!
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you
On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo
Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
And for when I think I lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it's true
God gave me you, gave me you.
He gave me you.
and before I knew it I was crying because I realized that God really did give me Mike. I have told him often that I searched for him but it was God that gave him to me. God gave me someone that could love me through anything. Goodness how grateful I am for his love each day. So as something from my past comes up to haunt me I will remember that life is good, MY life is good and nothing from my past can take that from me.
Today we got up and took Marie to her soccer game. Then we went and bought flowers and bushes and came home and planted everything. Then Mike cooked out and we sat on the back deck and ate. We sat out in the yard for a long time too :) Then before I knew it Marie and I were headed to the store where she picked out a doozy of a bike for me :) It is a beautiful light green with yellow and brown detailing, a pretty 3 speed cruiser. We brought it home and headed down my favorite road on our bikes. I just couldn't take the smile from my face and squeals of delight and she just laughed and laughed and said I was so funny because of how happy I was to be riding MY first 2 wheeler. As the wind rushed past me as I flew down the hill I again realized just how good my life is. I'm sure there will be many more rides to come together. Boy what a great day.
Happy Mother's day to all the mom's out there. I hope everyone has a terrific day. My plan for the day is to get up and do my 8 mile training walk and then be pampered by Mike and the kids the rest of the day :) Hope everyone else gets some pampering too.
Till next time...
Friday, May 11, 2012
Thinking Too Much
Where to start, I woke up this morning feeling emotionally exhausted. Feeling like I just wanted to stay in bed all day. But honestly I couldn't turn off my mind and all the thoughts rolling through it. So I got up got ready and finally got to work. But I just felt so down.
Last night after work I went home, changed shoes, freshened myself up and headed to the funeral home. A bit of a crazy twist is that one of my closest TOPS ladies that I email almost everyday her sister was married to my ex's brother. So my TOPS lady would be there too for support. She arrived at exactly the same time I did, we actually pulled up next to each other. So being able to have someone else there was great. So we went in together.
The first thing I saw was a video of pictures. I didn't think it would hit me as hard as it did. There was my wedding picture. What memories came back to me weren't of joy for that day they were of me at my lowest weight at the time (I was 230 lbs) but only because he wouldn't marry me unless I lost weight and I thought losing 100 lbs would make him love me so in the 8 months before the wedding I had dropped that weight through doing an 800 calories a day diet. I also remember the pastor in the bathroom with me that day saying over and over to me "you don't have to do this". How did he know from just our 2 counseling sessions before that this was doomed before it started?
Then another picture came on the screen of the ex holding a dog, Patches, a sweet loving dog that seemed to smile every time I came home. The sweet little thing that he picked up and hurled at the wall one night, that laid on the floor unmoving with me standing over her hysterical screaming "you killed her". Rushing her to the vet in the middle of the night after she finally did open her little eyes but was unable to stand. The week that followed of nursing her back to health and of her never quite being the same after that. Thankfully the little sweet dog that when I left went to live with my mom and step father and spend her last 2 yrs at least being loved and cared for. Then there was on the obituary where it said "a man who loved animals" that you could donate to the local animal shelter and I thought he never really knew how to love anyone.
Seeing his sister though and her husband and her 3 boys now that brought back good memories. Of a loving family that really did love me. That would do anything for me that did even after I was divorced from her brother. She didn't even want me hugging anyone else till I had given her a hug first. As I listened to the preacher talk about my ex and then have his sister get up there and talk about her brother I got chocked up and I cried but it was tears for her, for a person that he never was able to be. For a sister that loved him no matter what and was always there for him.
After the prayers, I got the privilege of going with his sister, her husband, 3 boys and their wives and her 10 yr old grand daughter to dinner. The love at that table felt like coming home to me. How many holidays I had spent with them, his sister and I doing a puzzle every holiday through or playing games with everyone at the big table. I loved my time with her family. It made me think as I sat with her 3 boys and the same women they had been with since they were teens just how good of a job her and L had done raising their family. I also felt the love they all seemed to still hold for me. I told her we had to try harder not to be strangers so I hope that will happen. I gave her a huge hug before I left and we said I love you to each other and I knew we meant it. I couldn't go to the funeral today though. I just couldn't celebrate a man that had hurt me so much and that I felt and knew things about that made me cringe.
I almost called Dr. N again today but I'm feeling a bit better this afternoon after having lunch with Mike so going to just see how I do on my own. Yesterday was a lot harder than I anticipated. How do you write about something that you don't even want to think about? Last night I went to bed thinking about some of the last words his sister said to me. It feels so haunting, so unthinkable, so terrible, "I think my brother is probably burning in hell". She wouldn't tell me about the things she found in his house but it made me think the thoughts I've had for awhile now were right.
All I can hope is that it was just thoughts in his head and not actions. That the reason for him being in and out of the pysch ward for years was because he was trying to fight his demons. Of course a part of me wonders was there more I could have done but then I know in my heart I can't fix anyone. That getting out was my salvation and shouldn't be my guilt. I just pray that he didn't hurt anyone else. I fear he did though :( how many is the question.
I'm feeling tortured today though I know I have to set myself free. My life isn't that life anymore, the past is behind me.
Good thoughts Dawn, good thoughts...
Last night after work I went home, changed shoes, freshened myself up and headed to the funeral home. A bit of a crazy twist is that one of my closest TOPS ladies that I email almost everyday her sister was married to my ex's brother. So my TOPS lady would be there too for support. She arrived at exactly the same time I did, we actually pulled up next to each other. So being able to have someone else there was great. So we went in together.
The first thing I saw was a video of pictures. I didn't think it would hit me as hard as it did. There was my wedding picture. What memories came back to me weren't of joy for that day they were of me at my lowest weight at the time (I was 230 lbs) but only because he wouldn't marry me unless I lost weight and I thought losing 100 lbs would make him love me so in the 8 months before the wedding I had dropped that weight through doing an 800 calories a day diet. I also remember the pastor in the bathroom with me that day saying over and over to me "you don't have to do this". How did he know from just our 2 counseling sessions before that this was doomed before it started?
Then another picture came on the screen of the ex holding a dog, Patches, a sweet loving dog that seemed to smile every time I came home. The sweet little thing that he picked up and hurled at the wall one night, that laid on the floor unmoving with me standing over her hysterical screaming "you killed her". Rushing her to the vet in the middle of the night after she finally did open her little eyes but was unable to stand. The week that followed of nursing her back to health and of her never quite being the same after that. Thankfully the little sweet dog that when I left went to live with my mom and step father and spend her last 2 yrs at least being loved and cared for. Then there was on the obituary where it said "a man who loved animals" that you could donate to the local animal shelter and I thought he never really knew how to love anyone.
Seeing his sister though and her husband and her 3 boys now that brought back good memories. Of a loving family that really did love me. That would do anything for me that did even after I was divorced from her brother. She didn't even want me hugging anyone else till I had given her a hug first. As I listened to the preacher talk about my ex and then have his sister get up there and talk about her brother I got chocked up and I cried but it was tears for her, for a person that he never was able to be. For a sister that loved him no matter what and was always there for him.
After the prayers, I got the privilege of going with his sister, her husband, 3 boys and their wives and her 10 yr old grand daughter to dinner. The love at that table felt like coming home to me. How many holidays I had spent with them, his sister and I doing a puzzle every holiday through or playing games with everyone at the big table. I loved my time with her family. It made me think as I sat with her 3 boys and the same women they had been with since they were teens just how good of a job her and L had done raising their family. I also felt the love they all seemed to still hold for me. I told her we had to try harder not to be strangers so I hope that will happen. I gave her a huge hug before I left and we said I love you to each other and I knew we meant it. I couldn't go to the funeral today though. I just couldn't celebrate a man that had hurt me so much and that I felt and knew things about that made me cringe.
I almost called Dr. N again today but I'm feeling a bit better this afternoon after having lunch with Mike so going to just see how I do on my own. Yesterday was a lot harder than I anticipated. How do you write about something that you don't even want to think about? Last night I went to bed thinking about some of the last words his sister said to me. It feels so haunting, so unthinkable, so terrible, "I think my brother is probably burning in hell". She wouldn't tell me about the things she found in his house but it made me think the thoughts I've had for awhile now were right.
All I can hope is that it was just thoughts in his head and not actions. That the reason for him being in and out of the pysch ward for years was because he was trying to fight his demons. Of course a part of me wonders was there more I could have done but then I know in my heart I can't fix anyone. That getting out was my salvation and shouldn't be my guilt. I just pray that he didn't hurt anyone else. I fear he did though :( how many is the question.
I'm feeling tortured today though I know I have to set myself free. My life isn't that life anymore, the past is behind me.
Good thoughts Dawn, good thoughts...
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Seeing Dr. N Is Always a Great Thing
Today I went and saw Dr. N. It was a good visit and as always he helped me put it all together. I don't have to live in the old prison I created for myself back in my teen years or through my first marriage. I truly am free and I'm already living a pretty darn good life with Mike and the kids. He also made me realize that I do need to cut myself a break at times like this. When again am I going to have a week where I see my mom, niece, sister, childhood friends and my ex die while my oldest friend isn't talking to me. Never again. This is a unique week in my life for sure.
I think not having my friend to talk to really hurt me. I feel she is withholding her friendship and I think I'm done. Not that we won't ever speak again but I'm done feeling bad about it or trying to figure out what I can do to make things work. With her, from this point on, I will leave it in her hands to contact me. When and if that time comes I will just put all the negative feelings behind me and move forward. I'm tired of feeling bad when it comes to her. Honestly I think she feels exactly the same way. I think we both feel the other isn't there to support us. I really thought we were making progress in the past 6 months but I also think we have miles to go. So I would have to agree with her that we aren't good for each other these days.
As for my ex, well I will try to also remember his good points, he did have some. He was kind to me in a lot of ways, it wasn't all terrible. If I ever wanted anything he would get it for me. He was a cards and flowers kind of guy so every holiday I could count on getting a beautiful bouquet. He turned my car around in the driveway every single day. Maybe that was some OCD issue but regardless it was always nice to never have to back down our long driveway. I also know that his childhood was not good so I do have compassion for him. His parents had his sister, him and his brother and then gave them away to their parents and went on to have more children with other people. I also know he suffered some similar child abuse as I did. I really do think he was a tortured soul. So I will go tonight to be there for his sister and try to remember the good things about him as she would.
There was a sunny side to my week, that was going to Baltimore and to PA. I have lots to write about that but will leave that for later. I really did have a wonderful weekend with everyone. I'm hoping some of the fences are getting mended with my family.
As for food, yesterday and today have been peaceful. TOPS was last night and though I am out of leeway again I'm focused on having a better week. Mike dropped 3 lbs and has started weight lifting, he had one of his free sessions with the trainer and she made a plan for the next month for him. He seems very determined these days, I'm proud of him. He really is my rock, I truly am lucky to have him. I can definitely say this week has made me appreciate just how lucky I am.
Till next time...
I think not having my friend to talk to really hurt me. I feel she is withholding her friendship and I think I'm done. Not that we won't ever speak again but I'm done feeling bad about it or trying to figure out what I can do to make things work. With her, from this point on, I will leave it in her hands to contact me. When and if that time comes I will just put all the negative feelings behind me and move forward. I'm tired of feeling bad when it comes to her. Honestly I think she feels exactly the same way. I think we both feel the other isn't there to support us. I really thought we were making progress in the past 6 months but I also think we have miles to go. So I would have to agree with her that we aren't good for each other these days.
As for my ex, well I will try to also remember his good points, he did have some. He was kind to me in a lot of ways, it wasn't all terrible. If I ever wanted anything he would get it for me. He was a cards and flowers kind of guy so every holiday I could count on getting a beautiful bouquet. He turned my car around in the driveway every single day. Maybe that was some OCD issue but regardless it was always nice to never have to back down our long driveway. I also know that his childhood was not good so I do have compassion for him. His parents had his sister, him and his brother and then gave them away to their parents and went on to have more children with other people. I also know he suffered some similar child abuse as I did. I really do think he was a tortured soul. So I will go tonight to be there for his sister and try to remember the good things about him as she would.
There was a sunny side to my week, that was going to Baltimore and to PA. I have lots to write about that but will leave that for later. I really did have a wonderful weekend with everyone. I'm hoping some of the fences are getting mended with my family.
As for food, yesterday and today have been peaceful. TOPS was last night and though I am out of leeway again I'm focused on having a better week. Mike dropped 3 lbs and has started weight lifting, he had one of his free sessions with the trainer and she made a plan for the next month for him. He seems very determined these days, I'm proud of him. He really is my rock, I truly am lucky to have him. I can definitely say this week has made me appreciate just how lucky I am.
Till next time...
Where to Start in the past
I started this post days ago and now it's already Thursday. I keep coming back to it yet never seem to get it written. Here I sit now at 4am in the morning. Just woke up after going to bed at 9pm feeling like I wanted to write so here I am.
Boy what a weekend, I don't even know where to start. Guess I'm going to start with my Friday and maybe do another post for the rest of the weekend. Friday was my anniversary as I mentioned a few times. We never did get our rings to the jewelers but there's always hope. Seems like with stuff like that it just gets forgotten FOREVER lol.
Nick started texting me mid day wanting to go to the pizza social at Marie's school so he could see his buddy. His buddy's dad was going to pick him up. He knew it was our anniversary and we had plans to go to dinner. He was texting that Marie would be fine alone for a few hours. I told him he couldn't go so he asks his buddy's dad if Marie can go too. Well we know his parents and they are nice folks so they said they would take Marie too. So I finally relented and said fine.
So Mike and I went off to dinner. We had went to lunch together too so honestly we weren't even hungry. Neither of us ate our food and ended up taking almost all of it home. I thought about dessert but thought I'm not hungry so why do it.
When we got home there was a message on my phone from my cousin. I couldn't figure out why she would be calling me but she said to call back. I worried something had happened to her kids or to her. I hadn't seen her since my uncle's funeral. Anyway, I called and got news I wasn't expecting to come from her. She told me that my ex husband had died (he lived 1/2 a mile down the street from her and she's married to his cousin).
She told me he had shot himself and was found out in the yard. That the neighbors had smelled him and called the police. But when I called his sister I found out that wasn't true. That he was found outside but that he hadn't shot himself. That birds and squirrels had gotten to him so he was unidentifiable so they had to send his body up the road for identification and cause of death.
Talking to his sister brought back a lot of memories for me. Being with him were hard years for me. I've not talked a lot about my first marriage because it was really emotionally painful for me. Even now thinking about him I don't think of him as a bad man. He truly was a tortured soul. He could be thoughtful often but he could also be cruel. He was 12 yrs older than me and had been married before. I'm not even sure why I let myself move forward with the relationship when it seemed doomed from the beginning. I just wanted to be loved back then yet honestly he didn't love me. We only dated about 6 months before I moved from Baltimore here to St. Mary's. My mom tells the story of me sitting on the bed crying to her worried I was making a mistake.
Honestly I don't want to go down this road. It makes me feel unloved and unwanted. With him it always felt like he wanted something else, like I was never good enough. He picked on my weight from the day I moved in.
He really wasn't a violent man though I guess he was at times. I remember the night we had to take our dog to the vet at midnight because he threw her against the wall. I thought she was dead but it was just a concussion. Then there was the time he kicked the cat with his steel toed boot and the poor thing peed blood for 2 days. Makes me wonder how I can say he wasn't a violent man but I guess I try to forget those moments of rage or the few times he hit me or the time he knocked me down and drug me across the floor by my leg out the front door.
I always knew I didn't want children with him. I knew he wasn't father material EVER. To write that stuff about him makes him sound like a monster yet all that took place in just a few months of our relationship. Near the end before I finally made the decision I really was leaving. Maybe he was just desperate. But I can't justify his rage or abuse, it was what it was.
Before those few months of physical abuse it was mental abuse and severe depression. So thick that I felt like a fog covered everything. Of course there was the hoarding on top of everything else, always more and more stuff coming in the house on a daily basis, it was all smothering. I spent as little time as I could in the house. I worked 2 jobs and went to school at night.
There's a whole other layer to this that I can't even talk about on here. I just knew that he would never love me. He blamed my weight on not wanting sex with me but I eventually found out the truth. It made me think that you never really know anyone. That you only know what they want you to know.
Eventually I did pack up my clothes and leave, me and Tinker (my Siamese cat). We moved into our own apartment and I started over. Emotionally though I was pretty broken. I felt fat and unlovable and I found myself letting men use me. Not all the men were bad I did meet some nice ones along the way though married men aren't really the best friends to have. The computer was my lifeline then, my addiction really.
I know I could go on but it is 4am and I am still tired. Today is prayers for my ex. I will go to support my ex sister-in-law. Her and her family were good to me for many years. I've missed her and I know this is a really tough time for her. I'm not sure if I'm going to the funeral on Friday yet. This all feels really hard to me but like something I need to do.
Till next time...
Boy what a weekend, I don't even know where to start. Guess I'm going to start with my Friday and maybe do another post for the rest of the weekend. Friday was my anniversary as I mentioned a few times. We never did get our rings to the jewelers but there's always hope. Seems like with stuff like that it just gets forgotten FOREVER lol.
Nick started texting me mid day wanting to go to the pizza social at Marie's school so he could see his buddy. His buddy's dad was going to pick him up. He knew it was our anniversary and we had plans to go to dinner. He was texting that Marie would be fine alone for a few hours. I told him he couldn't go so he asks his buddy's dad if Marie can go too. Well we know his parents and they are nice folks so they said they would take Marie too. So I finally relented and said fine.
So Mike and I went off to dinner. We had went to lunch together too so honestly we weren't even hungry. Neither of us ate our food and ended up taking almost all of it home. I thought about dessert but thought I'm not hungry so why do it.
When we got home there was a message on my phone from my cousin. I couldn't figure out why she would be calling me but she said to call back. I worried something had happened to her kids or to her. I hadn't seen her since my uncle's funeral. Anyway, I called and got news I wasn't expecting to come from her. She told me that my ex husband had died (he lived 1/2 a mile down the street from her and she's married to his cousin).
She told me he had shot himself and was found out in the yard. That the neighbors had smelled him and called the police. But when I called his sister I found out that wasn't true. That he was found outside but that he hadn't shot himself. That birds and squirrels had gotten to him so he was unidentifiable so they had to send his body up the road for identification and cause of death.
Talking to his sister brought back a lot of memories for me. Being with him were hard years for me. I've not talked a lot about my first marriage because it was really emotionally painful for me. Even now thinking about him I don't think of him as a bad man. He truly was a tortured soul. He could be thoughtful often but he could also be cruel. He was 12 yrs older than me and had been married before. I'm not even sure why I let myself move forward with the relationship when it seemed doomed from the beginning. I just wanted to be loved back then yet honestly he didn't love me. We only dated about 6 months before I moved from Baltimore here to St. Mary's. My mom tells the story of me sitting on the bed crying to her worried I was making a mistake.
Honestly I don't want to go down this road. It makes me feel unloved and unwanted. With him it always felt like he wanted something else, like I was never good enough. He picked on my weight from the day I moved in.
He really wasn't a violent man though I guess he was at times. I remember the night we had to take our dog to the vet at midnight because he threw her against the wall. I thought she was dead but it was just a concussion. Then there was the time he kicked the cat with his steel toed boot and the poor thing peed blood for 2 days. Makes me wonder how I can say he wasn't a violent man but I guess I try to forget those moments of rage or the few times he hit me or the time he knocked me down and drug me across the floor by my leg out the front door.
I always knew I didn't want children with him. I knew he wasn't father material EVER. To write that stuff about him makes him sound like a monster yet all that took place in just a few months of our relationship. Near the end before I finally made the decision I really was leaving. Maybe he was just desperate. But I can't justify his rage or abuse, it was what it was.
Before those few months of physical abuse it was mental abuse and severe depression. So thick that I felt like a fog covered everything. Of course there was the hoarding on top of everything else, always more and more stuff coming in the house on a daily basis, it was all smothering. I spent as little time as I could in the house. I worked 2 jobs and went to school at night.
There's a whole other layer to this that I can't even talk about on here. I just knew that he would never love me. He blamed my weight on not wanting sex with me but I eventually found out the truth. It made me think that you never really know anyone. That you only know what they want you to know.
Eventually I did pack up my clothes and leave, me and Tinker (my Siamese cat). We moved into our own apartment and I started over. Emotionally though I was pretty broken. I felt fat and unlovable and I found myself letting men use me. Not all the men were bad I did meet some nice ones along the way though married men aren't really the best friends to have. The computer was my lifeline then, my addiction really.
I know I could go on but it is 4am and I am still tired. Today is prayers for my ex. I will go to support my ex sister-in-law. Her and her family were good to me for many years. I've missed her and I know this is a really tough time for her. I'm not sure if I'm going to the funeral on Friday yet. This all feels really hard to me but like something I need to do.
Till next time...
Friday, May 4, 2012
Called my sister
Why I let things stress me out before really needing to I don't know. Sometimes I wonder what the need is for people to be busy bodies. Like yesterday with my mother taking it upon herself to call my sister and try to make plans with her that I hadn't even decided on yet. To invite herself in those plans and to pretty much piss my sister off.
Anyway, when I got home I called my sister and she seemed happy to hear from me. She informed me how mom had pretty much told her what she was doing and that it did piss her off. That mom didn't even give a time when she would be coming over either so pretty much Angie did say she was "to busy". But she said if I wanted to stop by AFTER dropping mom off for a visit that was fine with her. So it sounds like she does want to see me so I'm happy about that.
As for my niece, still haven't talked on the phone to her but texted a bit today so will call her either later or tomorrow. But hopefully our visit will be fine too.
Yep, the whole dysfunctional family stuff, drives me nuts. Then my mom is calling again today saying there isn't an AA thing that it's next week. So I'm thinking I'm just going to take her to lunch then go visit my sister a little earlier. I'm starting to think maybe my mom is losing it a bit. I've thought that for awhile now but with all these calls I'm really thinking it's true. Guess I'll see more when I'm around her for a few hours. She was telling me someone in AA was spreading a rumor she had dementia, hmmmm.
So Mike and I are looking forward to going out tonight. Think we are going to drop our rings off at the jewelers to be re sized since they are huge on us. We haven't been wearing them in a long time because of that. I had gotten a ring guard on mine when I first started losing weight but that is even to big now. Not sure yet where we are going to dinner.
Tomorrow Marie has a 10am soccer game, not sure if that will get rained out or not, it's pretty cloudy out. I'll hit the road after her game. I have to stop at Victoria's Secret to exchange one of my new bras. The straps on it are all funny already after just a few hand washes. I had contacted them about it and they said I would have to go into one of the stores that I couldn't exchange it through the mail, seemed silly to me but they did give me a 30% off coupon which was nice at least so maybe I'll find something nice I could buy.
Last night felt like all I wanted to do was eat. Marie did a good job talking me down from the edge. Her and I played some skipbo and had some microwave popcorn. I need to play more with her since we both really enjoy that us time together.
Tomorrow Mike is going with my coworker and the kids up the road for lunch and a movie. Think it's Captain America they are going to see. I still want to see Hunger games, I'm on book 3 now. Everyone keeps saying how depressing it is though so not all that thrilled over finishing it but I will.
Well back to work. Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Till next time...
Anyway, when I got home I called my sister and she seemed happy to hear from me. She informed me how mom had pretty much told her what she was doing and that it did piss her off. That mom didn't even give a time when she would be coming over either so pretty much Angie did say she was "to busy". But she said if I wanted to stop by AFTER dropping mom off for a visit that was fine with her. So it sounds like she does want to see me so I'm happy about that.
As for my niece, still haven't talked on the phone to her but texted a bit today so will call her either later or tomorrow. But hopefully our visit will be fine too.
Yep, the whole dysfunctional family stuff, drives me nuts. Then my mom is calling again today saying there isn't an AA thing that it's next week. So I'm thinking I'm just going to take her to lunch then go visit my sister a little earlier. I'm starting to think maybe my mom is losing it a bit. I've thought that for awhile now but with all these calls I'm really thinking it's true. Guess I'll see more when I'm around her for a few hours. She was telling me someone in AA was spreading a rumor she had dementia, hmmmm.
So Mike and I are looking forward to going out tonight. Think we are going to drop our rings off at the jewelers to be re sized since they are huge on us. We haven't been wearing them in a long time because of that. I had gotten a ring guard on mine when I first started losing weight but that is even to big now. Not sure yet where we are going to dinner.
Tomorrow Marie has a 10am soccer game, not sure if that will get rained out or not, it's pretty cloudy out. I'll hit the road after her game. I have to stop at Victoria's Secret to exchange one of my new bras. The straps on it are all funny already after just a few hand washes. I had contacted them about it and they said I would have to go into one of the stores that I couldn't exchange it through the mail, seemed silly to me but they did give me a 30% off coupon which was nice at least so maybe I'll find something nice I could buy.
Last night felt like all I wanted to do was eat. Marie did a good job talking me down from the edge. Her and I played some skipbo and had some microwave popcorn. I need to play more with her since we both really enjoy that us time together.
Tomorrow Mike is going with my coworker and the kids up the road for lunch and a movie. Think it's Captain America they are going to see. I still want to see Hunger games, I'm on book 3 now. Everyone keeps saying how depressing it is though so not all that thrilled over finishing it but I will.
Well back to work. Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Till next time...
Thursday, May 3, 2012
It Will All Be Ok
Here I sit shoving chocolate in my face after a phone call with my mom. 5 pieces down and I decided to come here and write rather than get more. Doesn't help me one little bit to do that to myself. What is it I'm doing? Well punishing myself of course because people don't want to see me or love me or whatever is wrong with THEM. That's the key word, THEM, because it's not my issue it's theirs.
I've mentioned I'm going to Baltimore to see my mom. As I give that all thought I realize I've said my piece to my mother the last time I saw her about her not keeping me safe as a child. About her not being there like a mother should and some other stuff. Yet I was still holding a grudge of some kind towards her and now I sit here feeling like others are doing the same thing. So really I have no right to be mad or upset or hurt or any of the other feelings that are going through me right now. Well I do have a right but bottom line I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal.
My mom called to tell me she had talked to my sister. The one I was hoping to see on Saturday. The one that has texted me and said she's SOOOO busy. To busy to spare an hour for me to stop by and hang out for a bit. Let's think about that "I'm to busy" whenever that is used it really means "I don't want", "I'm to busy to see you", "I don't want to see you", "I'm to busy to exercise" "I don't want to exercise", insert any words you want it comes out the same. It's an excuse, bottom line.
I will call my sister tonight and hear her have to tell me herself or maybe I'll just get her answering machine then a text msg saying again how busy she is on Saturday. Whatever happens I will know I have done what I can to try to mend this wall between us. I have to look back and realize that the wall was mine for several years though honestly no one even tried to break through it, no one called, no one came to see me. Even during my "avoidance" time I still would try to see everyone at least once a year. If I didn't see someone it was their choice so really even when I was avoiding I was making an attempt to at least stay connected a little bit.
Then there's my niece, with a 1 yr old baby, my great niece who I would love to know better. A little child that I think could benefit from knowing me and Mike and the kids. Again I'm feeling shut out. I wasn't invited to her first Birthday. With my niece it feels like a hard slap in the face. Years of love for my niece, lots of time spent together, lots of good times. What has changed? Is it her? Is it me? I'm guessing it's both of us.
So I will go and see her Saturday. A "put upon" her visit that I pretty much demanded in a round about way. A visit that I now feel hurt and angry and resentful about with how I had to go about making it. A visit that I feel like I will go and have and I will keep my mouth shut about how I'm really feeling because the old me doesn't want to rock the boat, doesn't want to upset her, doesn't want to make that wall any thicker. I so wish she could just tell me how she's feeling, I wish they all could.
I need to figure out a way, to be the real me without making any of them feel guilty or bad for being themselves, for feeling their own feelings. This is where my girlfriend and I are these days. We are at a place of trying to be open and honest with each other without hurting each other yet we keep managing to hurt each other. But truthfully most of the time you have to hurt before you can heal.
I don't know my plan. I think I'm going to just go and before I say anything I'm going to think first and foremost that these are people that I do love and care about. People that I do want to see and spend time with or I wouldn't be making the effort.
I do love my mom and she loves me. I need to let go of any bad feelings I have because she is who she is and though at times she drives me nuts I know that if she was no longer here I would grieve terribly for her. So I need to take the time to break down the wall I've put back up and just love her for who she is.
It will all be ok. I don't need to punish myself over this. I need to remind myself about "Letting Go" like I wrote yesterday. I need to nurture relationships where both parties want to nurture the relationship. I need to project love and care not bitterness, sadness, hurt, resentment or any of the other negative emotions.
I repeat to myself "It will all be ok".
On a good note Mike stopped by my work today and brought me a dozen red roses and a super sweet card:
Our Love has been a journey
I couldn't have known
when we first met
that everything
in my life before then
had been leading me to you
but looking back
I realize that every decision
led me to just the right turn
and that every road
taken or not
brought me one step closer
to you and the love we share
today I know for sure
that when our paths came together
and we found one another
it was really only the beginning
of the most beautiful journey of all
the journey of two hearts
that beat as one
Happy Anniversary
with all my love
love ya lots and lots,
Mike
I need to focus on the happiness in my life. Tomorrow is our anniversary and I'm going to celebrate our love :) I'm thankful for so many things but Mike is definitely top of the list :)
Till next time...
I've mentioned I'm going to Baltimore to see my mom. As I give that all thought I realize I've said my piece to my mother the last time I saw her about her not keeping me safe as a child. About her not being there like a mother should and some other stuff. Yet I was still holding a grudge of some kind towards her and now I sit here feeling like others are doing the same thing. So really I have no right to be mad or upset or hurt or any of the other feelings that are going through me right now. Well I do have a right but bottom line I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal.
My mom called to tell me she had talked to my sister. The one I was hoping to see on Saturday. The one that has texted me and said she's SOOOO busy. To busy to spare an hour for me to stop by and hang out for a bit. Let's think about that "I'm to busy" whenever that is used it really means "I don't want", "I'm to busy to see you", "I don't want to see you", "I'm to busy to exercise" "I don't want to exercise", insert any words you want it comes out the same. It's an excuse, bottom line.
I will call my sister tonight and hear her have to tell me herself or maybe I'll just get her answering machine then a text msg saying again how busy she is on Saturday. Whatever happens I will know I have done what I can to try to mend this wall between us. I have to look back and realize that the wall was mine for several years though honestly no one even tried to break through it, no one called, no one came to see me. Even during my "avoidance" time I still would try to see everyone at least once a year. If I didn't see someone it was their choice so really even when I was avoiding I was making an attempt to at least stay connected a little bit.
Then there's my niece, with a 1 yr old baby, my great niece who I would love to know better. A little child that I think could benefit from knowing me and Mike and the kids. Again I'm feeling shut out. I wasn't invited to her first Birthday. With my niece it feels like a hard slap in the face. Years of love for my niece, lots of time spent together, lots of good times. What has changed? Is it her? Is it me? I'm guessing it's both of us.
So I will go and see her Saturday. A "put upon" her visit that I pretty much demanded in a round about way. A visit that I now feel hurt and angry and resentful about with how I had to go about making it. A visit that I feel like I will go and have and I will keep my mouth shut about how I'm really feeling because the old me doesn't want to rock the boat, doesn't want to upset her, doesn't want to make that wall any thicker. I so wish she could just tell me how she's feeling, I wish they all could.
I need to figure out a way, to be the real me without making any of them feel guilty or bad for being themselves, for feeling their own feelings. This is where my girlfriend and I are these days. We are at a place of trying to be open and honest with each other without hurting each other yet we keep managing to hurt each other. But truthfully most of the time you have to hurt before you can heal.
I don't know my plan. I think I'm going to just go and before I say anything I'm going to think first and foremost that these are people that I do love and care about. People that I do want to see and spend time with or I wouldn't be making the effort.
I do love my mom and she loves me. I need to let go of any bad feelings I have because she is who she is and though at times she drives me nuts I know that if she was no longer here I would grieve terribly for her. So I need to take the time to break down the wall I've put back up and just love her for who she is.
It will all be ok. I don't need to punish myself over this. I need to remind myself about "Letting Go" like I wrote yesterday. I need to nurture relationships where both parties want to nurture the relationship. I need to project love and care not bitterness, sadness, hurt, resentment or any of the other negative emotions.
I repeat to myself "It will all be ok".
On a good note Mike stopped by my work today and brought me a dozen red roses and a super sweet card:
Our Love has been a journey
I couldn't have known
when we first met
that everything
in my life before then
had been leading me to you
but looking back
I realize that every decision
led me to just the right turn
and that every road
taken or not
brought me one step closer
to you and the love we share
today I know for sure
that when our paths came together
and we found one another
it was really only the beginning
of the most beautiful journey of all
the journey of two hearts
that beat as one
Happy Anniversary
with all my love
love ya lots and lots,
Mike
I need to focus on the happiness in my life. Tomorrow is our anniversary and I'm going to celebrate our love :) I'm thankful for so many things but Mike is definitely top of the list :)
Till next time...
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Letting Go
Several things lately that I've read have pointed me in the direction of "I can't change how people think about me" "I can only change how I think about myself" "I can only create my own happiness" "I can't please everyone". The bottom line is I invest way to much time in trying to sort out the past, relationships that don't feel healthy emotionally and not having peace with food.
Last night I listened to Sean's 27 min YMCA speech he gave and though I've read his book and read so many words from him actually hearing him say it in his own words made a huge impact on me. His whole "be friends with food" motto really struck a cord with me and made me realize that really in order for me to find that peace with food I talk about I have to really live peace with food. He talked about his calorie bank and trust and It made me realize that in the beginning of my weight lose though I wasn't strict with my calorie bank and trust I surely knew how to keep track of things in my head, seldom did I ever actually journal my food it was just an on going running total in my head. Not to mention when I'm eating healthy really there's little need to track much since I'm generally eating less calories.
It of course all boils down to choices, choices about food, choices about relationships, choices about being happy with me, my life and everything. It's MY choices that put me where I am physically and emotionally. It's also MY choices that create the anxiety that seems to weigh me down way to much of the time.
I also thought long and hard about how I seem to try to nurture relationships that don't really benefit me. Of course my best friend comes to mind first on this one. I know often people must think why do I keep this friendship. Well it's because it has benefited me many many many times over the years. She has been there for me a lot, even recently.
Actually when I think back on things she's been there far more than I've been there for her and it still seems to be that way. I really gave thought to why things seem to go wrong with us far to often. Well I realize it's because she brings up a lot of "my issues" and it puts me on the defense with her. I think if we talked more about her stuff or just made it about friendship and not old stuff and she let her guard down more I could give her more support and comfort that she so desperately wants and needs right now.
Regardless, I now need to just leave it be. I need to focus on my happiness because that is the end result I want in all areas of my life, be it with food, the kids, with Mike, with my friends, etc. I need to nurture friendships that could use my nurturing, people that I don't hurt emotionally without meaning too. It's clear that I do hurt my girlfriend, and my sister at times, my niece, whoever. I know I have my part in things. That I'm not the victim here and me now voicing my opinions more is new to everyone and of course they aren't use to me this way.
Anyway, I'm feeling better about it all. I'm putting my focus on myself, Mike and the kids. I'm going to have a good visit with my niece, mom and friend and just try to be in the moment and not let anxiety come into things.
Had a good day with food yesterday. It felt easy. I also had a wonderful victory at the gym last night. Here's my treadmill walk broke down:
1 mile 4.0mph/3 incline
1 mile 4.3mph/no incline
1/2 mile 4.0mph/5 incline
1/2 mile 4.0mph/3 incline
1/2 mile 4.3mph/no incline
1/2 mile 4.4mph/no incline
Total: 4 miles in 58 mins for an average 4.15mph
It felt crazy fast so not sure how that will transfer to actually walking on the road. Need to get my new pedometer set up so I can have a better idea of how I'm doing when I'm walking outside. But this definitely seems doable. Crazy how I've improved so much in such a short time. I'm feeling happy about it all though knowing if I just keep working on it I will accomplish it.
Well better get to work.
Till next time...
Last night I listened to Sean's 27 min YMCA speech he gave and though I've read his book and read so many words from him actually hearing him say it in his own words made a huge impact on me. His whole "be friends with food" motto really struck a cord with me and made me realize that really in order for me to find that peace with food I talk about I have to really live peace with food. He talked about his calorie bank and trust and It made me realize that in the beginning of my weight lose though I wasn't strict with my calorie bank and trust I surely knew how to keep track of things in my head, seldom did I ever actually journal my food it was just an on going running total in my head. Not to mention when I'm eating healthy really there's little need to track much since I'm generally eating less calories.
It of course all boils down to choices, choices about food, choices about relationships, choices about being happy with me, my life and everything. It's MY choices that put me where I am physically and emotionally. It's also MY choices that create the anxiety that seems to weigh me down way to much of the time.
I also thought long and hard about how I seem to try to nurture relationships that don't really benefit me. Of course my best friend comes to mind first on this one. I know often people must think why do I keep this friendship. Well it's because it has benefited me many many many times over the years. She has been there for me a lot, even recently.
Actually when I think back on things she's been there far more than I've been there for her and it still seems to be that way. I really gave thought to why things seem to go wrong with us far to often. Well I realize it's because she brings up a lot of "my issues" and it puts me on the defense with her. I think if we talked more about her stuff or just made it about friendship and not old stuff and she let her guard down more I could give her more support and comfort that she so desperately wants and needs right now.
Regardless, I now need to just leave it be. I need to focus on my happiness because that is the end result I want in all areas of my life, be it with food, the kids, with Mike, with my friends, etc. I need to nurture friendships that could use my nurturing, people that I don't hurt emotionally without meaning too. It's clear that I do hurt my girlfriend, and my sister at times, my niece, whoever. I know I have my part in things. That I'm not the victim here and me now voicing my opinions more is new to everyone and of course they aren't use to me this way.
Anyway, I'm feeling better about it all. I'm putting my focus on myself, Mike and the kids. I'm going to have a good visit with my niece, mom and friend and just try to be in the moment and not let anxiety come into things.
Had a good day with food yesterday. It felt easy. I also had a wonderful victory at the gym last night. Here's my treadmill walk broke down:
1 mile 4.0mph/3 incline
1 mile 4.3mph/no incline
1/2 mile 4.0mph/5 incline
1/2 mile 4.0mph/3 incline
1/2 mile 4.3mph/no incline
1/2 mile 4.4mph/no incline
Total: 4 miles in 58 mins for an average 4.15mph
It felt crazy fast so not sure how that will transfer to actually walking on the road. Need to get my new pedometer set up so I can have a better idea of how I'm doing when I'm walking outside. But this definitely seems doable. Crazy how I've improved so much in such a short time. I'm feeling happy about it all though knowing if I just keep working on it I will accomplish it.
Well better get to work.
Till next time...
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