Need to go to bed

Here I sit at 2:40am reading blogs lol. I did drag my sick butt to work today finally. The kids had a 2 hour delay so I got to sleep in a bit so didn't get there till 10am which suited me fine. I didn't feel like I got much done and coughed and spread my germs so I'm sure my co-workers weren't really all that glad to see me lol.

Poor hubby has caught the sickness too. I thought I wasn't contagious, hmmmm. Anyway, he came home early and crashed and when I got home I crashed too. So the poor kids were on their own so who knows if anyone got a bath or went to bed on time, what terrible parents we are lol. I ended up waking up at 10:45pm and everyone was in bed at least so I guess they didn't do to badly on their own. Hopefully the nephew rode herd on them a little.

I'm glad it's Friday though I don't have a lazy weekend to look forward to. I would have thought the antibiotic would kick this out of me but nope not yet. Saturday is biggest loser meeting day and also I have to go up the road for a TOPS meeting to plan for our yearly Maryland convention. I'm still not sure how I ended up in an area captain position and I still feel lost in the role. I'm hoping spending some time with the ladies this weekend will help me feel less lost. It should be fun getting to hang out with some grownups *smile*.

For the biggest loser contest we will have our old trainer. I doubt she will be more organized but I do like her so I'm good with that. It will be good to have something new to motivate me and hubby.

I've been having a lot of emotions over my niece again. I've still not heard from her since I emailed her how I felt. She graduates from Navy training next week. I need to get a card in the mail to her at least. I talked to my best friend last night about the whole situation and she made me think how I've made this all about me (what's new lol). I do need to try to be the adult here and I really don't want to teach my kids that holding a resentment is the right thing to do. I plan on having a chat with my nephew sometime in the next few days so he realizes that regardless of what choices he ever makes I will always be there for him. I think I'm setting a bad example and I need to fix that. I need to just get over it and move on.

I'm just finishing up reading dietgirls book. It was such an easy, enjoyable read. I hate to have it end really. She does remind me of myself with her fat girl freak-outs lol. I guess it will be back to Tom's book now which is also a good read.

I've been thinking about my ediets ladies too and how I've been neglecting them. I've not told them about this blog. I almost feel like I've betrade (sp?) them having it and spending my time reading and posting here. I really need to find a balance. They've been there for me for 7 yrs now and I sure don't want to leave them behind. I sometimes wonder why I spread myself so thin sometimes.

I haven't exercised in almost a week now. I only had one more workout till I was to take a week off anyway so I guess it's not such a bad thing. I'm looking forward to the fresh start with the biggest loser contest too. I hope I like the other 3 ladies that will be on my team. Poor hubby, him and 4 women, wonder what he'll do lol. I think there are only a few men in the contest.

Well I need to stop rambling and try to catch at least a few hours shut eye before I have to get up with the kids and then go to work. I have a feeling hubby will be staying home tomorrow. Wish I could too.

Till tomorrow...

Still sick

I'm still sick. I did go to the doctors yesterday and got an antibiotic so I'm hoping I'll be better soon. I am gettting plenty of sleep at least. We had snow yesterday so the kids got off 3 hours early and then they were home with me today. It feels weird being home so many days in a row.

I went to TOPS tonight and weighed-in. I lost 3.2 lbs this week. I was happy to see a good lose. I'm sure it's from being sick but I'll still take it lol.

Well I think I'm heading off to bed early. I'm hoping I'll be able to make it to work tomorrow.

Till tomorrow...

Flowers and New Beliefs

These are the beautiful pink roses hubby brought home to me today. I was so surprised. He also went to the store and made dinner for us. I just feel all warm and fuzzy inside about him *smile*.

All the sleeping I did today now I can't sleep tonight. I'm going to take some more nyquil here in a little bit and hope that knocks me out. The house is all quiet, everyone is sleeping. What a nice day I had. I'm still not feeling the best physicially but mentally I'm feeling great. I've really been trying hard to have positive thoughts about everything lately and I really can see a shift in how I feel about things.

My nephew and I have been having some good chats in the evening too about him and just about life in general. I'm glad he's opening up to me more and able to talk about things that are bothering him. I know that isn't easy for a 16 yr old teenager. I would like to hope maybe one day that will be my son and I too.

The boy got his report card today, 1 B, 4 C's, and 4 D's, he's in 6th grade. I told him I was glad he didn't fail any of his classes and I was hopeful that we could all work to help him bring those D's up to C's by the end of this new semester. He said he would try. I'm just glad he's not failing. I know we are working on things and I do have faith things will change. I know what I was doing and how I was handling things wasn't working. I think we are all ready for some changes. I'm hopeful.

I've been thinking about my goals lately. When I started reading Tom Venuto's first book "Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle" his first chapter was about goal setting. So I sat down one day and wrote out my goals back in July. I think now that the new year is here and I'm reading his new book I need to make myself some new goals and affirmations (or new beliefs as he calls them in his book). Tom says you should write like you've already accomplished them to speak to your subconscious so that's why they may sound a bit weird.

I am keeping up my lifestyle changes of eating healthy and exercising forever.

I deserve to be healthy and fit.

I am grateful and proud of how I look today.

I am doing everything I want in life.

I am so happy to be fitting in size 14 jeans on this day of May 4th, 2009.

I'm raising my kids with good values and teaching them how important their bodies are (and their education).

I stay well hydrated and purify my body by drinking at least 96 oz of water a day.

I eat 5-6 meals a day with good ratios of lean protein, carbs and fat.

I no longer eat from emotions but only when my body is truly hungry.

I help those close to me by leading by example and being a reliable source of health and nutritional information.

I reward myself with none food rewards.

I have fun and live life each day to the fullest.

I spend quality time each day with my husband and children.

I help family, friends and strangers when I can.

I am so happy on this day of August 5th, 2009 because my body is healthy and lean at 180 lbs.

I am the person I always knew I could be.

I'm happy and content within myself.

I truly love and except the person I am inside and out.

I'm sure I could think of more but I'm starting to get a bit tired so think I will end there for now. I really do feel good how far I've come. I know this journey is for life and that my life can't just be about weight loss and exercise.

I was reading diet girl's book tonight and where she talked about how wieght loss and exercise had become her only focus it hit me that I have been that way. I think in the past several months I'm moving away from that and realizing that I want more for my life. I don't want weight loss to be my only focus. I have so many other things and people in my life that need me. I knew I needed to be put on my own list but I also know I need to have a balance. This is really a life long lifestyle change.

In Tom's book he talks about making new beliefs for ourselves and that is what I truly want. I want to be free of my emotional eating and free of feeling like it consumes me. I don't know if that's possible but I'd like to believe as I continue to get mentally healthy some of my reactions to things will lessen and that I can live as a more relaxed person. I know I have come a long way and in so many ways I am a lot more relaxed. I want to be someone that is never consumed with anxiety over things that really don't matter.

In the grand scheme of things it's really about being as happy as we can each day dealing with the good and bad of life. To actually enjoy the little things and just be grateful. As Jeff said in his blog the other day to release the things holding him back. I think we all need to do that to really grow in our lives. That's the wonderful thing about life it's never to late to change. So many times I've heard myself say "people really don't change" but I am changing and I want those changes to stick so I'd like to believe it is possible. I'd like to believe as I sluff off my old beliefs about myself I can build new beliefs of the person I want to be. The person I know I am deep down inside, the real Dawn that has been hiding all these years. I know she's in there.

Well till tomorrow...

Home sick today

Though I'm home sick today it's been another good day. It felt great just sleeping for hours. I think my body just needed the rest. I think the walk on Friday flared up my bronchitis and I'm feeling like I have a sore throat and some congestion. I'm hoping it will clear up by tomorrow otherwise I guess I'll go to the doctors. Might be best to go to the doctors anyway then I could talk about the old knees I keep putting off.

So today I got up made a pot of hot tea, had a homemade protein bar heated up with some fat free strawberry cream cheese on it and read some of my book. How nice it was to just lounge in the bed snuggled in the warm cosiness. Then I ended up sleeping till 1pm. Got up had some homemade soup and more hot tea and came here to read some blogs. Boy I could get use to this lol.

Hubby is going to get the kids off the bus at my work for me (his work is only about 1/2 a mile from mine). I could tell he wasn't to thrilled but he'll live lol. It gives me a little more time to bass in the quiet. Maybe I'll sneak back to bed before they get home lol. Really though I am feeling a bit tired again. I'm hoping all the extra rest will help relieve some of my achiness too.

Anyway, I'm enjoying my day at home, sick or not.

Till tomorrow...

The weekend

Well the weekend went by way to fast. But it was a good one. I actually ate within my calories all weekend which I think is a first in quite some time. Saturday I was totally lazy, actually took a 3 hour nap in the afternoon. I think my body just needed it from lack of sleep throughout the rest of the week. I really accomplished nothing Saturday other than some laundry and cooking. Oh and playing plenty of Viva Pinata and reading my new Tom Venuto book.

Hubby has hurt his back some how. He keeps teasing me it was the *wink wink* on Friday lol. But he confessed it was hurting before that so I told him he better stop blaming it on that or he might have limited *wink wink* if I was the cause of his pain lol. He's feeling somewhat better but I think he probably should take a break from the gym this week so he's ready for the start of the Biggest Loser contest on Saturday.

I found out it's going to be teams of 5 and that the trainer class will be on Saturdays from 8:15-9:15am which should work out ok for us though we sure won't like getting up that early every Saturday for the next 8 weeks lol.

Today I got up and got myself together and went and got my eyebrows done and ended up getting a manicure too. Since I've been making it a habit to take my vitamin everyday my nails have been growing great again. After that I went to the store then went to the gym. I had triple circuit legs workout today, man what a killer it is. But I actually got through it pretty quickly. Then I walked for 20 mins after. So I felt great about that. I'm thinking I might go to the gym tomorrow instead of waiting till Tuesday so that my muscles will have 2 days before weigh-in to recover. I'm hoping to see a good lose this week.

The son and I had a big go around today about it being his responsibility to improve stuff so he can have TV and video game privileges back. His report card comes out next week and I'm not thinking it's going to be all that great. I'm just hoping for no F's and few D's. I'm hoping with the occupational therapy and regular therapy within the next few months things are going to improve. I soo want a better relationship with him. It's so frustrating to me knowing he's so intelligent yet doesn't seem to have any motivation when it comes to school. I know how I handle things sometimes doesn't help either. Him, the girl and I did play a game of skipbo tonight which I think made him feel better. We usually try to play games on Wednesdays but lately we haven't been. So I told him we would get back to that this week. I know he needs more quality family time.

Last night we were watching a movie called something Rosco Jenkins and at one point I found myself crying when the cousin seemed to take all the attention and lime light from Rosco and how after the cousin moved in poor Rosco felt like he lost his family (especially his dad). Sometimes I feel that way about my son like once my nephew moved in he got left out. Sometimes I think all that's going on now is just his way to get the attention he feels like he's missed these past 5 yrs since my nephew came to live with us. It made me feel so sad for him. I told hubby he really needs to start taking the boy out and doing some father/son stuff with him.

Is it really Monday tomorrow already? I could go for about another week off lol. Well it's tea time so I guess I'll end this for now.

Till tomorrow...

Another good day!!!

Well it sure feels nice when I have good days back to back. Work went well, I'm still working on my model and all is going pretty well. They still haven't given me the crap work but I know it's coming lol. I'm ok with it all, I have faith it will only be temporary.

Hubby sent me sexy/cute text messages all day today too. He just makes me laugh how into it he is. I have to keep my phone on vibrate so my coworkers don't hear it though I'm sure they do when I forget and lay it on my desk and it sounds all crazy lol.

I can't say it was a victory day with food but I'm ok with that. Fridays are usually my treat meal day anyway. The boss, co-worker and I usually go out. I saw an article in a magazine about a new place in town so we went there. It was in a beautiful old house, it had hard wood floors throughout, we got seated next to the fire place even. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich with basil pesto and oven dried sun tomatoes. Instead of fries I had a cup of vegetable beef soup. I thought I was doing really well with that part of the meal. But then we looked at the dessert menu and since they were having some I figured why not. So I ordered the brownie with the homemade ice cream. Usually in that type place everything is small servings but when it came out the brownie was huge. But of course I ate it all. I'm guessing it was 600-700 calories for just dessert. Anyway, it was a wonderful lunch and I'm not regretting it.

The day was beautiful too, in the high 50's so I decided to work off a little of that brownie so I went for a walk down my favorite road when I got home. It was really wonderful. I didn't realize how much I've missed my weekly walk. I just felt so alive out there. It was a bit chilly when I got down by the water but that was ok with me. I was just so happy I was outside enjoying the day.

Hubby took the boy to the Orthodontist for me too. It was just nice not having to worry about getting the kids or having anything to do after work but think about taking that walk.

When they got home hubby and I snuck off to the bedroom for awhile *wink wink*. I swear I feel like we are dating again. I just feel like in the past 3 months we have both opened up so much to each other. I think it's done our marriage such good. I am very grateful that he still loves me after all these years and he says the same thing lol.

Well enough of the mush stuff lol. I think I'm off to play some viva pinata on the DS, hubby bought it for me on Tuesday, how sweet of him. I'm such a kid sometimes lol.

If the weather is good tomorrow I think I'm going for another walk.

Till tomorrow...

A good day!!!

I had a good day today. Work went really well. I got my 3d model done quickly which I'm hoping will show the boss though I will be doing crap work soon I still can put out the good stuff too lol. I'll have another model to do tomorrow and then I guess next week I'll be working on the other stuff for awhile. I'm just focusing on being a team player and getting the stuff done quickly and well. My boss is a good guy that has taught me a ton over the past 20 yrs so I really have no complaints in that area. He got promoted in all this mess which really is a benefit to me because I think he will do his best to always keep me and my other 2 coworkers by his side. I think things will be ok.

Then my son went to occupational therapy today and I just felt great with all the therapist said. My son struggles with his eating, has his whole life. Well she believes it's due to his gag reflect which is related to his lack of sucking as a baby. When she said all this she had no idea that as a baby he never wanted to suck on his bottle. We would actually cut holes in his nipples so he would get enough to eat. So it all made perfect sense. She also said his mouth is super sensitive. So the plan is to have him work on these issues by eating popsicles, lolly pops, stuff that will cause him to suck. Also, to have him desensitize his mouth by brushing around it, or rubbing different textured things around his mouth. He seems more willing to try new foods so I think we will make progress. Then they are going to work on his handwriting too. She had good suggestions there too so we will be looking for some big pens and pencils. They will work on all kinds of things with him, school, organization skills, eating, handwriting, etc. I feel so happy about all this. He will be going twice a week and to therapy every other week. I'm feeling great about what I'm doing for him. I feel really hopeful. He brought home a B and an A on two papers today too. Things are looking up *smile*.

Tomorrow is Friday, I'm so looking forward to a nice weekend of semi-relaxation. I plan on just working around the house, going to the gym one of the day and just enjoying some home time.

Hubby and I went to the gym tonight. His gout has flared up so he wasn't in the best shape but decided to walk on the treadmill anyway. He ended up walking over an hour so came home pretty miserable, I feel bad for him. I wish he had taken it easy. I am on triple circuits of 16 exercises so it took me almost 2 hours to get through my workout. I was totally exhausted but it felt good. My arms feel like they are going to fall off lol. I think I probably won't go back to the gym till Sunday. Maybe if it's nice weather on Saturday I will take a walk. I haven't taken a real walk in a long time so that would be really nice.

Hubby and I joined the biggest loser contest at the gym too. The big prize is $300 the second prize $200 and for the winning team IPOD shuffles. Sounds like fun to me. I'm really looking forward to doing it. It's 8 weeks long, group personal training sessions, dietician, etc. I'm looking forward to meeting some new people too. I'm not sure how many teams there will be but it looks like there are about 50 people signed up.

I made the best soup tonight, it's super delicious, yummo *smile*.

Well the night has gotten away from me and it's already 11:30 so I better get my butt to bed.

Till tomorrow...

Weigh-In Wednesday

Well I gained tonight at TOPS, 1.8 lbs. Not sure how I gained that much. I'm sure I didn't eat 7000 extra calories at the jewelry party on Sunday and the rest of the week I ate well. So I'm hopeful it's just water weight from the extra working out I did this week. I put in almost 8 hours of exercise this week at the gym. Anyway, I'm not all that upset over it and I'm hopeful next week will get rid of that 1.8 and maybe a few more.

I really think I have to try to get more sleep too. 4-6 hours a night just isn't cutting it and I do believe lack of sleep and obesity is related for several reasons. One being your body does need time to rest and second being that staying up later usually means a person ends up eating more in the evening. Anyway that's going to be my goal this week, 6-8 hours of sleep a night.

I still haven't heard back from my niece since I sent her that email last week. I have a feeling I won't. It really breaks my heart to think I may not hear from her for awhile but it is what it is I guess. I needed to speak my mind.

There are changes going on at work too. I've worked at the same place 20 yrs now and I've always enjoyed my job. But I don't think I've always stood up for myself. Yesterday I spoke up for myself and my boss wasn't to happy with me. But I'm glad I did. Too long I've kept my mouth shut and stewed about things (and ate over them) so it was the right move but still it gives me some anxiety to have any kind of confrontations with people.

I'm ready for the weekend.

Till tomorrow...

More weight loss surgery conversation

I normally comment back to everyone in the day before comments (hope people actually go back and read them). But today I decided to just write a joint comment here as a blog post instead since I do have more to say about what I said yesterday.

I think we've all had thoughts of getting gastric bypass. Even after having my stomach stapled and it failing I thought "well it was just the surgery, it wasn't good enough maybe I should consider gastric bypass". But I realized that it would never fix me. I would be one of the ones that lost the weight and gained it back.

I know stomach stapling at 15 sounded extreme but at that time in my life it did seem like life or death and my mother just wanted to see me happy not in a coffin. I was 345 lbs at that age.

I wish I knew the percentage of people that gain back some or all of the weight after gastric bypass. Maybe it would open people's eyes. I hate that gastric bypass has become more the norm than the exception. It use to just be for the extreme obese or someone with terrible health issues. Now it seems to be a way for Americans to change something physically that is really something needing changed mentally.

I was glad to see a gastric bypass person on the BL this season. I do wonder how much he weighed before his surgery. Looks like maybe he weighed even more than he does now. I felt bad for him. Danielle, you're too funny with me kicking their asses lol. Actually I love my neighbor and though she doesn't talk about her side effects I think she's pretty honest in saying she has no desire to exercise and is super happy with having lost the weight with surgery and she makes no bones about eating just like she ate before the surgery only less. I sometimes wonder how she has kept the weight off to be honest.

I had a woman that lived 3 doors down from me that died from having her stomach stapled just 3 months before I had my surgery. But at that time in my life nothing mattered to me but getting the weight off, really sad to think about. I thought it would fix all my problems to be thin.

I admit who doesn't want to lose the weight quicker and be done with it. But I think sorting ourselves out is the real benefit. To be mentally healthy is the biggest reward of doing it without surgery. Not to mention feeling empowered knowing you did it by yourself, you worked hard for each lb.

I totally agreed with everything Sheri said. If people are really honest with themselves they would realize that it is all in their hands and that they do have the power to lose the weight on their own.

I agree too that sometimes getting the weight off fast is a medical necessity.

I guess I just can't think rearranging our innards is the right thing to do. That changing how we were made will give us better health.

This is all just my opinion on weight loss surgery. I think having had my stomach stapled I do have a real opinion. It may not be gastric bypass but it still had side effects which I know gastric bypass has also. Maybe I was wrong in saying gastric bypass was the easy way out but it wasn't uneducated for sure. I think Faith put it pretty well that "it's the fast way out" but even that doesn't totally cover it. I almost want to say it's the "hidden way out". I will try to explain that comment.

I will admit I have some bitterness. I guess it's that I've met so many gastric bypass people that don't talk about what really goes on. They make gastric bypass sound so wonderful like the next magic diet pill and I just don't see it as that. I think if more people were really honest I wouldn't feel like I do about it. I know that having surgery doesn't change the person. It doesn't make food addiction go away, it doesn't make a person stop eating from anxiety, it doesn't make food issues go away.

I tried to talk to my sister about it all before she got it but she thought it would be her fix all. She is 3 yrs post op and she's gaining weight back. She still doesn't talk about the side effects with me or her eating issues.

I've also seen so many people that are getting the surgery pack on 20-30 lbs before their surgery date. I guess that's what makes me upset too. The whole last meal mentality. Believe me I say this from experience too. I remember being in the hospital the night before the surgery and having my mom and dad bringing me all kinds of food, ice cream, junk, etc. It was an eating fest. To look back on it all it seemed so crazy.

I know to go under the knife isn't easy. I know for me it wasn't. It was truly the worse pain of my life. I'm just frustrated that the side affects of gastric bypass are not talked about by the people that get the surgery or at least not talked about much. The weight loss outweighs those side effects for the person so they don't talk about how really so many things concerning weight loss surgery actually can give them more issues mentally and physically. It becomes hidden, the hidden way of losing the weight.

Maybe some have done everything the right way with their surgery. They have used it as the tool it's suppose to be. If that is true then they've probably never had diarrhea from eating the wrong foods, or vomited, or any of the things I know happens when a gastric bypass person doesn't eat properly. But I find that idea hard to believe that someone can just magically change after a day. I can only talk from my experience. Maybe because I've been large all my life my mental issues ran way deeper, maybe I had more to over come. But I really don't think I'm the abnormal obese person.

I can tell you from the day I had surgery at 15 I really didn't change. I wanted the weight gone but I also still wanted to eat for emotional reasons. I vomited on a daily basis, sometimes every meal. I vomited on and off for years. My mother would call me bulimic but I couldn't help vomiting. The food wouldn't go down, I never once stuck my finger down my throat. I would feel like I was having a heart attack and the food would come back up. It was torture. It made me sad, angry, fearful, it really gave me more issues than I had before. But I still wanted the food and I still thought being thin would change my life.

Just like Kim mentioned the weight came off fast at first. But when it got to the point of having to do more or give up the food, I wasn't willing. Finally the weight loss stalled and eventually it started to come back.

Now I know gastric bypass has different side effects, more side effect. But even what I went through for years sure wasn't the easy way out. So I will say I was wrong to say that. But I also know going through all that gave me even more mental issues relating to food. I did a lot of hiding when I ate, even more than I did before. Then all the vomiting. I would go to a restaurant, and the food wouldn't go down, I would need to vomit, I would have to go in public bathrooms and try not to be heard. It all was hellish yet I can still sit here today and say I don't regret the surgery. At that time in my life I would have rather been dead than stay 345 lbs at age 15. So at the time I thought it was the right choice, my only choice.

But Kim is right it sure wasn't easy. So I ask the question when you said my way now seems easier I wonder why you say that? I wonder if you suffer in silence with the side effects of gastric bypass? I feel for you if you do because I sure am not clueless. I do have compassion for what people go through. But I guess sometimes I also feel angry that people that have surgery aren't willing to tell the whole story.

People say it was a last resort but is that really true? I remember starting this journey of weight loss and being unwilling. I didn't want to work for it. But then something clicked and I became willing. Our bodies are great machines. I guess I just don't see how changing that great machine is a good thing. It's our minds that hold us back not our bodies.

Obese people talk about having slow metabolism, etc but really they don't. Most obese people actually have good metabolisms otherwise their bodies couldn't deal with all the food they do eat. Anyway, I'm not meaning to attack you Kim by posting all this, I'm sorry if this all sounds like I am. I just would love someone that has had gastric bypass to be honest with me. To tell the ugly parts of having the surgery. To admit the suffering they go through to lose the weight. I know it's not all great and wonderful.

If you have done everything right then you are more the exception to the rule for gastric bypass people than the norm. Of all the weight loss surgery people I have come across few exercise on any consistent basis and even fewer are in therapy. I feel fixing the body without fixing the mind isn't a real true fix like someone else said it's just a band-aid.

I try my best not to judge people that have had the surgery. I have a sister that has had it, I have close dear friends that have had it also. I guess though when I see someone that doesn't exercise at all and eats whatever they want of course it does make me resent how much work I have put into losing my weight. I guess I just wish I could make people realize that it is possible to do it on their own. If more people believed in themselves and worked on fixing their minds we would have a way better success rate for weight loss in our country. I also think people have to realize that to lose the weight they have to exercise. I know for me after living a very sedentary life it was tough learning to exercise. But it has empowered me and made me realize I'm strong. We all are strong having carried around all that weight all our lives.

My neighbor's mom and I had a long talk about it last night and she asked me if losing weight was all I wanted for my life. I told her of course it wasn't that I just wanted to be happy and content. Bottom line that's what it's all about for all of us, isn't it? I told her I was just tired of being tired. That losing the weight has made my life better and for my family because having more energy has helped in all areas of my life. So that's what's important to me, living a healthier, happier more active life. If I don't lose another lb I think I would be ok. I'm no longer living in a bubble.

I know I still have issues though and they won't ever go away. I will have to deal with my food issues for the rest of my life. I'm ok with that.

I read this to hubby tonight and I keep debating about posting it. I really don't want Kim to feel attacked. I know it took a lot for her to comment on my blog. I think debate is a healthy thing. I think it's something that brings more knowledge to people and I'm definitely all for that.

I know whatever choice a person makes for themselves it's for their own reasons and I do respect that.

Till tomorrow...

Sunday and gastric bypass conversation

I had a really good weekend. But I did over eat. I really don't feel bad about it though. One of the things I've tried hard to do is not feel guilty when I eat off plan. I know I have to have a balance with that too though so I don't get to laxy daxy but I also know that this is for life and that sometimes I want to celebrate and enjoy food during those times.

Yesterday hubby and I went to the gym and got in a good workout. Our old trainer was there and she kept telling me how great I looked and how well hubby and I were doing. It felt good for her to say all those things. I haven't made a ton of progress but I have made progress and I know that's the important thing, steady, consistent progress. After the gym we went to the grocery store which was a nice treat for us since we seldom do that together.

I finally undecorated the Christmas tree on Saturday too and my nephew got it out so Christmas is finally over. I kind of miss the tree actually. My son would come home everyday and turn it on which was always nice to me. Really I could keep a tree up all year I think lol.

Hubby and I went out on our date around 7pm. We decided to drive up the road so we could go to Olive Garden. I thought it would be nice if we stopped at the mall and I bought something new to wear, something a little sexy. So I bought myself a cute red shirt and a nice black sweater. We went to a store called Torrid, not a store I shop in. It was kind of cool being a size 0 lol, like I could ever get to a real size 0 lol. Was fun though shopping with hubby having him decide what he liked best. So I just had the girl take the tags off and I wore my new outfit out of the store. Then we went and had a wonderful dinner at Olive Garden. After that we stopped somewhere and had a few drinks. It was really a nice evening.

Today I got invited to a jewelry party at the next door neighbor's house. I just love her and her family so it was great going and hanging out and chatting. It was a little weird though because everyone had either had gastric bypass, was going to get it or just talking about it. There I was having lost all my weight through hard work and no one mentioned it at all till almost the end of the party. I don't think my neighbor would have mentioned it then but I brought up that I had booked my trip to Disney. Then she told my story "Yea Dawn lost over 100 lbs by exercising" lol like I was doing it the wrong way or something lol.

I then had a conversation with the lady throwing the party that weighed about 160 lbs that had gastric bypass 7 months ago. I told her that I believe that anyone that had a lot of weight to lose I thought had real issues with food and that I thought therapy was the way to true long term weight loss in addition to exercise and watching what they eat. She then told me about her eating issues before gastric bypass and never being able to lose the weight. She got gastric bypass weighing only 220 lbs, less than I weigh right now. She was telling my neighbor how during their Christmas dinner they went around and said what they were thankful for and she said her whole family mentioned gastric bypass as one of the things (her daughter had it too). That just struck me so wrong.

Has our society become so focused on losing the weight the quick way that people have forgotten why they gained it in the first place? None of them are dealing with the real reasons of being fat. Are they magically mentally fixed after surgery? I know they aren't but they act like they are because the weight is no longer on their bodies.

Then there are people like my sister who has started gaining back her weight after gastric bypass 3 yrs ago. I feel bad for her because I tried so hard to tell her the shortcomings of having surgery. My neighbor on the other hand has lost over 100 lbs and though I don't see any signs of problems I know she must suffer from some of the side effects I know go on for gastric bypass patients (gas, diarrhea, vomiting, etc).

I think from having my stomach stapled at age 15 and having it totally fail for me I have some real reasons for having the feelings I have. But I've found that people are so set on losing the weight anyway they can and wanting it gone like tomorrow that they really don't care about any of the side effects or really figuring out why they got fat in the first place. Anyway, it was an interesting experience, really kind of strange.

I've always said weight loss surgery was a personal choice but I must be honest in saying I feel resentful sometimes that people take the easy way out.

Well it's bedtime so till tomorrow...

Great Friday!!!

I just had to come back and write how my Friday is going good. Hubby is still sending funny/cute txt msgs and they make me smile.

Not to mention everyone's blogs today. I love laughing. I'm going to make a point that when the kids get off the bus today (half day so they will be here at work for about a hour with me) I'm going to lavish them with hugs and smiles and happy words. We all deserve a good Friday, no a GREAT Friday!!!

So find some smiles today and turn an ok day into a GREAT one (I'm sounding like Tony the tiger now lol).

It's Friday, it's Friday!!! Hip Hip Horray it's Friday!!!

Thursday semi good but thank goodness it's Friday

Well yesterday was a semi good day. I had a little go around with my son again because he forgot to bring a test home to be signed so he could get a better grade on it. I'm not sure what it's going to take with him. He has therapy today though so I'm hoping we can get a better game plan for it all. I did give him a big hug and try to let him know that all I say and do isn't to make his life hell (though I yelled at him earlier telling him the total opposite that his life would be hell if he didn't shape up). Parents are so wishy washy sometimes lol.

Work went pretty good, I got some stuff done I needed too. I'm hoping to get more done today. The boss still isn't back so I at least have one more day.

Hubby and I went to the gym last night. Hubby hadn't been in a week so he was struggling some but he still got in a good workout and a lot of cardio. I think he's definitely a lot more dedicated to his exercise than he use to be. For him, (me too) I think it's more about food.

Last week I went up in weights for my workout and it's been tough. I'm on 2 circuits of 16 exercises and by the second circuit I struggle with a few of the exercises. The big one seems to be the bench press. I moved up 10 lbs (55 lbs) and I swear I just feel weak. I'm not sure what that's about but I think I might just go back to 45 lbs for that one. I never know what is better, more weight or more reps (any advice here mizfit?).

I wrote my niece a long email yesterday. The only way I can contact her now is through snail mail or the occasional email so I went with email. I think I worded myself well and tried my best to express my love for her but that I felt like she needed to really think about her actions before making anymore huge life choices. I haven't heard from her yet and I have a feeling I might not for a long time. My nephew is very angry at her so probably time is what we all need.

The nephew broke up with his girlfriend this week and I can tell all this at one time has put him on emotional overload. I think he's dealing with it all pretty well and talking more, which is huge for him. He's always looked up to his sister so her poor choices have hit him hard. I really wish he would consider therapy. My sister really put them through hell for a lot of years and I think all of them could benefit from talking about it. He is talking more to hubby and I so at least that's a step in the right direction.

Ok, for the good peppy news lol. Hubby and I are going out on a date tomorrow. We haven't been out on a big evening date in a good while. I'm excited about it. Hopefully I won't go to overboard with food. I keep feeling like I want to dress up for him. I need to look through my closet and see what I have. I've never been one to dress sexy but sometimes in my mind I think about it lol. It would be fun to act like a thin woman *grin*.

I don't really have any other weekend plans other than I have to get the Christmas tree OUT. Who keeps a real tree till mid-January? lol Well me evidently lol. Hubby kept saying he was going to do it so I put away all the other decorations and thought he would really do it lol. Anyway, guess I'll just get it over with myself. It's not super dead yet at least so it won't be like we are carting out a stick and vacuuming up a forest lol.

Well I'm going to go heat up my soup.

Till tomorrow...

My week of ups and downs

Boy what a week I've had but today did top it. Changes at work are coming. I've worked at the same place for 20 yrs so changes won't come easy I'm sure. But I'm trying to look at the positives and just go with the flow. I'm glad I'm on my weight loss journey because at least if things fall through I will be more marketable at this weight than my old weight.

Then I received 2 emails from 2 of my son's teachers saying he was missing work and failing their classes. They both are giving him assignments to bring his grades up so I had to drop the hammer when we got home. It wasn't fun, very upsetting to both of us. I'm hoping to get him through the 6th grade.

Then I got a letter from my niece. I don't even want to talk about that lol. Lets just say I'm not happy with her choices AT ALL. But it is her life and she's going to do as she wishes. I'm not sure I want to be a part of it though. Maybe I just need to distance myself to save my own emotions about the whole thing.

Of course all this isn't the end of the world. It's just life.

I did go to TOPS and lose a lb so that made me feel at least a pinch better in my dismal day. It was a good meeting too, about motivation.

I came home had dinner and have no desire to eat anything else tonight. Though my emotions are running HIGH I'm feeling like I need to just realize that through all this the bottom line is it's my choice how I handle things. Food definitely doesn't fix a darn thing.

Till tomorrow...

The gym, the biggest loser and Disney World

Well I'm back on track and finally feeling calm today. I did peek again at the scale last night, showed me up another 2 lbs lol. I just laughed and told myself I wasn't letting it make me crazy. Weigh-in is tomorrow and what will be will be. I'm not going to let it affect me either way. I just need to keep doing what I need to do. I put on my 16 jeans today and the legs were feeling looser and the waist too so that shows me that I'm not gaining size, so fooey on that old darn evil crazy scale lol.

Tonight is gym night. I've been reading my new fitness book and wondering what I want to do concerning my workouts. I think for now I'm sticking with my "book of muscle" ones since I'm already in week 11. Doesn't really make sense to switch things around. They say don't fix what's not broken (or something like that). Maybe after I'm done the 6 month beginner workout I will move to a different book but for now I'm sticking with what works. The one piece of info that I got from the new lifting book for women was that doing the same stuff as the men is a good thing so I was glad to read that.

I'm still having knee issues with new bruises appearing almost daily. I need to get some knee sleeves and see if that helps. Maybe I can get to Wal-Mart tonight before the gym. I've stopped doing any exercises that cause that terrible grinding noise and so far it seems to be going ok. I still don't understand why I'm getting bruising on the knees though that just sounds weird. I am taking Glucosamine everyday again so hoping that will help. Yes, I will make a doctors appt, I will lol. I'm not having pain while exercising so I keep thinking I can put it off a little longer. Kind of like my gall bladder.

Biggest loser is on tonight, I can't wait and neither can my daughter. We have already watched the first episode about 10 times this week (thanks to the girl, she's obsessed) lol. I'm looking forward to seeing how everyone does in week two. It just makes me want to root everyone on.

Ruby was a repeat this week which was a bummer. I really love that show too. She's doing so well, I wish she could see her changes more. I think that's a problem with everyone when losing weight we just don't see it in ourselves like we should. That's why I say pictures are the way to go. I plan on taking new ones at least every 6-8 weeks from here on.

OK big big news, I booked our trip to Disney World today. I don't know if I've even talked about it here but like 3 yrs ago I promised my children that if I could lose 100 lbs I would take them to Disney World. Well I hit that hundred mark awhile back and so it's time to follow through with my promise. I'm really really hoping that by June when we go hubby will be down 100 lbs too. I am so excited at the idea of all of us being able to ride the rides and do all that walking with enthusiasm and spunk *smile*. I booked a big old house with 4 bedrooms, 3 baths, swimming pool, spa and game room. I feel soooooooooo excited about it. It's something we have talked about constantly for years. It's finally going to come true *big big smile*.

Through this journey my kids have been a huge support to me. Maybe in the beginning it was the idea of a trip to Disney World but soon it was more about them just loving seeing me doing more. In this time, we've went camping, hiking, kayaking, have just done so many things that before I was just unable to do. It just feels good to be an active family. I've always tried to keep my kids active but I've always been the one on the side lines. It just feels so good to be able to do things with them now.

Well it's quitting time so till tomorrow...

A bad night but a great day

Last night all I wanted to do was eat. I don't know what gets into me. I have good weeks and then I start falling back off the wagon. I don't understand myself that I know what I need to do, what I should do, yet there I was last night sitting on the end of the bed thinking about those 2 pieces of pizza left in the fridge (from the pizza hubby bought on Saturday while I was gone).

Maybe it was getting on the scale last night and seeing a 3 lb gain. Of course I know that can't be real since I've been pretty good this week, hitting the gym, eating pretty well. I knew my water was low, I should have been thinking rational. But nope, I headed for the kitchen after hubby was sleeping and stood there eating a cold piece of pepperoni pizza. Then I headed back to bed with the crust and finished that while reading one of my fitness books lol. I'm laughing at myself now thinking about how crazy that seems. So what do I do? I head back to the kitchen for that other piece of pizza, I figure why not I've already eaten one and then it will be gone. I can't tell you how many blogs I have read with a similar story. Makes me wonder what makes us all do this at some point.

My story gets a little crazier though. So I go back to bed with the crust of the second piece but by then my fat detector (gall bladder) is screaming STOP!!!! STOP!!!!! So now I'm sitting there feeling sick and like crap. So off to the bathroom I head to vomit. Yep, up comes the pizza, ewwwwww I know. So what am I thinking? I'm happy, I'm like yeah now I don't have to worry about those 600+ calories. Am I bulimic? What kind of crazy thinking is that? So what do I do head to the kitchen and grab the can of cashews and start shoving them into my mouth 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, yes I'm counting them. I get up to 10 (half a serving) and I finally start actually chewing them. Chew, chew, chew and I'm thinking "what the hell are you doing Dawn? Are you totally insane?" So I spit them out into the toilet and stand there and think "what the hell is going on?" So what do I do? I start shoving more cashews in my mouth, 3, 4, 5...10, chew, chew, chew, spit them out too. I'm thinking I just want to chew, why didn't I just get a darn piece of gum lol I'm such a nut, standing there chewing nuts lol.

Anyway, I come to my senses, put away the cashews and head back to bed to read my fitness book some more. Do I understand why I did all that, nope not really. It must have been something to do with the scale is all I can figure.

Today was a new day and I was back on track. I woke up feeling like crap though so I decided I was taking a sick day and just going to relax and give myself a mental health day. But then I thought "hmmmm wouldn't it be great to have hubby home with me" so I sent off a little txt msg to him and in about 30 mins we were both home together *wink wink*.

What a nice day we had, something I think we both needed. We both agreed it felt like vacation *smile*. We both agreed we needed to do that more often too. So we are going to try to make it happen once ever few months for sure.

I really think I need to get back to posting my food here. I know why I gave up doing that too, because I wasn't eating as clean and didn't want to confess. But really this is what I need to do so starting tomorrow I'm going back to posting not just my calories but my food.

I'm going to guzzle the water tomorrow and work extra hard at the gym and hope that where ever those 3 lbs came from they will go back to. I thought once I was below 230 that the mental block would be gone but something is still not right with me. I need to sort it out for sure. So I have some thinking to do.

Till tomorrow...

Family

Well the nephew and I went up to Baltimore yesterday and saw my sister, her boyfriend and my other nephew. It was a good visit overall. As my nephew and I were walking we looked back at my sister (his mom), my nephew (his brother) and her boyfriend and the nephew made the comment "total misfits" and I said to him "well that's our family" and we both laughed. He said he was glad we lived 2 hours away. I told him we just had to love them for who they are. It's really all we can do. I don't have any animosity towards my sister anymore. I know she's mentally ill and will probably always be. So I love her for who she is and I try hard to get that point across to my nephew. Of course he has more reasons to be angry at her than me but I think he does well to just separate himself. I think then when we are with her we can except her better. So our visit went well we both thought.

I still have some guilt about my other nephew but he's doing as well as he can be. I have a feeling when he hits 18 he will go back to living with my sister. My nephew said that would be a disaster but it will just be what it is. I have to just do what I can and move on. I know I can't save the world. So for now I'm through the holidays and seeing my family for awhile.

Today hubby and I are going to the gym. I'm still having some knee issues and I know I need to get to the doctors about them. They are bruising from the inside out and creaking a lot. I'm going to go and get some knee sleeves for them before we workout today. I'm hoping maybe that will help some.

So a few of the books I ordered came yesterday. One I didn't mention was "The New Rules of Lifting for Women". I've been curious to know should women be weight training differently than men. By what I've read so far it's saying not really. I haven't read to much of the book yet but it seems to be going hand in hand with "Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle". As I read more I'll let you all know what I think. It seems to make a lot of sense and it's an easy read.

Now what I'm going to say is only my opinion of my own journey over the past 18 months. I've learned most of all that we all have to find our own perfect plan that works for us. My plan works for me when I'm working it. Another thing I have learned of my 6 months at the gym and doing weight training is that I enjoy it more than aerobic or cardio exercise. I love a real walk (that was my first exercise in this journey, 30 mins a day walk, 7 days a week), or hike outside but I really don't like the treadmill. I think exercise needs to be about what we enjoy so we will do it. I also think strength training is something we all need, especially women. I think to often women cut their calories and try to lose weight that way without the exercise or by doing only cardio. I think our bones need strength training. I've also realized how much my body has changed from the weight training, it just shapes me better. Plus lifting weights just makes me feel so empowered and strong.

Anyway, I'm reading and learning and trying to tweak my plan. I know a huge part of my issue is food, has always been food. I think with exercise I've not had a problem through this journey. I think the food issue is almost always related to anxiety for me too. That's where the exercise has helped tons, exercise = less anxiety = less emotional eating. Of course therapy plays in there for me too. It really is about fixing my mind to fixing myself thinner.

Some days I want to just throw my hands up and eat that half a pizza or pint of ice cream but I keep looking back at my old self and thinking how unhappy I was then. How tired I was all the time too. I want to keep moving forward. Even when I was 300+ lbs if I was trying I felt better. I feel happier at 41 than I've ever felt in my whole life. I like being able to say that. Sure I have crappy days sometimes but overall I'm more content now than ever.

Well I've rambled enough, till tomorrow...

Different day, different mood

It's weird the way moods go, some days it's up, some days it's down, some days it's in between. Today is Friday (like I had to tell anyone that lol) and I'm feeling happy. Hubby has a new pastime, though it sometimes drives me nuts, it has also shown me just how often he thinks of me. He's been sending me text msgs on my cell. My best friend gave him the idea and he's definitely been having fun with it. It's given us some spice this week for sure *wink wink*.

From my weight loss hubby and I have been having ups and downs. Just as my moods are up and down so are his. The difference is I feel like it's directed at me and it really affects me. I always felt like he was pretty even keeled unlike me but lately he's been more moody. I'm hoping his new found pastime will give him more up days now that he knows I'm thinking of him often too.

I've been feeling like eating today for some reason. I started off the day like I always do with my homemade protein bar and some hot tea. But I've just been hungry (it's not hunger) all day. Hubby and I went out for Indian food today at lunch too which was nice. I did ok with the food I thought but then I had two dishes of the rice pudding, I just love that stuff. Then I came back and had a brownie. I've sworn off the brownies here on Fridays for months and months so it wasn't like me to do that. I thought about just acting like it didn't happen but it did. I had walked pass the brownies all day, looked in the container but didn't touch. But then after lunch when I saw that there was only one left I thought why not. It wasn't like I could go back and have a second or third. So I ate it. I didn't really get to enjoy it though as I stood in the mail room trying to hide that I was eating the last brownie lol. Anyway, I'm not sure what my deal is today.

Hubby has a sleep test tonight, I have a feeling he'll be getting a CPAP machine soon. Hopefully as he loses more weight though he won't need it for long.

Well the kids get off the bus in a minute so I better go.

Till tomorrow...

Weigh-in Wednesday (even though it's Thursday)

Well I had weigh-in last night, I lost nothing. But I can live with that considering I ate poorly 3 out of 7 of the days this week. With the holidays finally over though I'm going to try hard to get back to eating clean all the time with just my one treat meal a week.


I've been reading so many blogs lately I feel like I'm neglecting other things in my life. I feel obsessed with it though. I've always had that obsessive/addictive personality about me (one of the reason I'm fat I'm sure). I've talked about it in therapy many times and it's just something I have to stay aware of.

Today a new book came out. It's by Tom Venuto called "The Body Fat Solution" I really think it's going to be helpful. His ebook "Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle" that I bought back in July really helped me a lot in understanding my body better. A lot of the stuff I already knew but there was a lot more good stuff too. It really helped me be less obsessed (though I admit I still am some what) about the scale and more aware of my body fat (measurements) and how beneficial weight training is. It helped me to be ok with 1 or 2 lbs loses a week too. Losing slow is the way to real permanent weight lose I think. I've already ordered the book so I will definitely do a review of it once I've read it. I'm excited about reading it.

I also bought dietgirl's book too. I've been reading about her on others blogs and she just seems to have a lot of good things to say. She sounds so much like me too. Plus I love the fact that it took her 6 yrs to lose the weight. Not that, that was good for her but it shows me that even though I move along at a snails pace sometimes or even backwards I will eventually get to where I want to be if I just keep working at it.

People have been talking about Oprah a lot lately too. I tape her show so I've been watching them too. She's had a lot of good things to say too. I do believe that we have to put ourselves first on our list. I also think we need to start doing things that make us happy. Another blogger said something too that struck me. That Oprah still wasn't at peace with her body. I know I'm not at peace with mine so I am really going to try to start working on that. So many times I look in the mirror naked and I feel like a big blob of cool whip. I'm laughing typing that but I swear I really do. I have all this extra everywhere that has no where to go but down.

Have I talked about that my best friend is getting plastic surgery in a month? She weighs about 125 lbs and she's getting a boob job and tummy tuck, the whole works. I'm envious in a way but then also scared as hell for her. I look at her body the way it is right now and think "wow I would die to have that body at 40" and to think she wants to change it. To go through all that pain to try to be more perfect. It makes me realize that even her at 125 lbs isn't at peace with her body. So how can I be at 227 with all this extra skin and yuck everywhere? It's something I'm going to have to really think about because if losing weight and keeping it off is about being at peace with my body then I need to find a way.

Life is just hard some days. I know for me I have ups and downs constantly. A good day can go to crap and a bad day can turn good it just all depends. So it's about trying to keep myself focused on what's important to me and what does make me happy. I do want a better life. Not that my life isn't good right now but don't we all strive for better? Isn't that what life's about?

Being a mother of 3, wife, working a full time job, having a home, etc. I feel like I don't get much time for myself. I also suffer from such guilt over everything I can't get done in a day. I sometimes wonder if all large people are the way I am, do they all have guilt, anxiety, excessive worrying? Sometimes I think it's just a woman thing, who knows. More to think about.

Anyway, I've really tried hard in the past 18 months to analyze it all and figure myself out. Really the eating was always just a bandaid for everything else. It was a way to relief the guilt, anxiety, anger, boredom, all the emotions. Now I either feel them and deal or I exercise. I know this is life and will be forever. What I want for myself is to live in the moment, enjoy every second of everyday because really that's all we have.

Boy my mind is all over the place today.

Till tomorrow...

Another day...

Thanks for all the wonderful comments about my pictures. It really made me feel good. It's so weird how I get anxiety and excitement over stuff all at the same time. But that's how I felt all day yesterday about having my pictures here. I was a little mortified that I had put that swimsuit picture up there but then I was also looking forward to every one's comments to me about my changes.


I had therapy yesterday that gives me that same anxiety/excitement feeling sometimes. Therapy went good though and I walked out of there feeling great (as I usually do). I sometimes wonder why everyone isn't in therapy lol. It really is good for the soul. Sure sometimes I know I'm going to talk about tough issues but I always know the end result is going to be some solutions or at least getting it off my chest and out in the open. I feel like I'm always recommending therapy now lol.


I told him all about my holidays and how I've had more anxiety in the past 2 weeks than I've had in a year. I told him about all my visits with family and my best friend. We talked about their issues too. What we came up with is that sometimes I get tired of being the "good girl" lol. We all have that little devil/angel thing going on inside of us. I look at my girlfriend and I look at my sisters and sometimes I feel darn jealous that they seem to do as they wish and yet I feel guilt over everything all the time. We talked about how much more calm my life is than theirs though which is very true. Not that my life is boring but just how my choices and decisions make my life easier in the long run.


He was right though when he said it seemed that sometimes it pisses me off that I mostly do the right thing. Sometimes it would be fun to just throw care to the wind and be crazy for awhile eat what I want, do what I want lol. Sometimes I want to call that a midlife crisis but I guess it's just me wanting to be selfish. I guess living my whole life not being selfish enough got me to 378 lbs though. So I guess I need it sometimes to just think of myself. Really it can just be called self care.



Hubby and I hit the gym last night. My chat with the therapist helped me realize that I deserve to be there and I shouldn't feel nervous or full of anxiety around all those newbies. So I tried my best to walk proud and just do what I always do and not feel self conscious, it did help. I did my last 3 circuit workout, I start back at 1 circuit on Thursday. I'll be upping the weight though so it will still be pushing me to something new.

Since hubby and I aren't doing the same routine now he just walked on the treadmill. He walked for a hour and a half, I was so proud of him. He seems to really be investing himself more. I'm hoping he will see a lose on the scale this week, he deserves it.


I've decided to stick with my BOM workouts. I had thought about my idea of changing my plan but really my exercise works for me. It really is the food that wasn't working for me. I need to get back to counting calories and eating as clean as possible. I need more veggies too. I'm doing fine with fruits but I only eat about one veggie a day. So this week I've been bringing my homemade soup for lunch and that's helping.

I took a peek at the scale this morning. It's looking like I might have a small gain at weigh-in tonight. I'm hoping all the water I've drank today will help me at least stay the same. I'm really not worried either way because I know now that the holidays are over I will be back in a normal routine.

Saturday I'll be seeing my other sister and nephew. I'm going to Baltimore with my nephew that lives with me. It's his mom and brother. I know it will be tough for both of us but hopefully it will go ok. After that it will be no more relatives for awhile lol.

Hubby goes for his sleep test on Friday. I think he'll be having to use a CPAP when it's all said and done. I'm almost positive he has sleep apnea.

Work stuff is going better, I'm hoping by next week to be done with what I'm working on.

Last night was the start of the new season of the Biggest Loser. Boy was it good, but then it's always good to me. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it but my 7 yr old daughter is addicted to the show. I'm not sure why but she will watch the same episodes over and over and over again lol. She loves Ruby too. I guess she's like me and she loves rooting people on. I can't wait to see the transformations of this seasons contestants.

Well I better get back to work.

Till tomorrow...

What a pain in the rear

Well I finally got some pictures up. I didn't want to post them in my blog but rather have a link to them. Boy what a pain in the rear that was. It's now midnight and I've finally gotten it to work. Then I wanted to update my picture at the top with my newest picture and that was an even bigger pain lol. You would think I could figure this stuff out lol. Oh well, at least I finally did. Hopefully from here on it will be easier.


My day has been an all around pain in the rear really lol. Ok, first off, the brakes went out on my van on Saturday while we were driving 3 hours up the road to my girlfriend's house. We thankfully got there in one piece after putting in like 2 quarts of brake fluid. We made it home too. But then this morning I had to drive the van myself to the repair place which was scary scary. But I made it and $500+ later it is fixed though I can't pick it up till tomorrow.


Then my stupid 3d model at work doesn't seem to want to do right so I spent all day trying to figure out what the darn problem was. Of course I was suppose to have the drawings for it done 2 weeks ago. Sigh.


Well while I'm complaining I might as well continue lol. So then hubby and I go to the gym to workout tonight and it's like so packed it's almost impossible to even workout. My anxiety was so high I could barely get through my workout. My hands were shaking and I was all nervous inside. I don't know what the heck gets into me when a lot of people are around. Anyway, I made it through and got home.


On a good note I didn't eat over anything that happened today. I did eat at my girlfriend's house on Saturday and Sunday though. I'm not sure what she was thinking knowing I'm trying to lose weight and eat healthy. What does she do, but cook lots of fattening crap food. Of course I tried to eat it. My gall bladder wasn't cooperating very well though which was a good thing I guess. I still ate way to much junk while I was there. It was back to that sick way too like when I was at my mother-in-laws at Thanksgiving where I was sneaking around in the middle of the night eating. What the heck is my deal with that I have no idea. I did have a nice visit with my girlfriend though it felt like old times.

I haven't been on the scale yet to see if I did any damage. I figure I'll hit the gym again hard tomorrow and hope for the best at weigh-in on Wednesday. It's that time of month too so I'm not expecting to much this week. It would be nice to stay the same at least.

My one highlight of the day today was getting to write on my co-workers whiteboard 47 lbs. I've been trying so hard to get below the 50 lbs to go mark. I still can't believe I've lost 151 lbs from my all time high weight. When I was looking through pictures tonight I kept thinking "wow was I really that big". I always felt big and knew I was big but I think even then I had a distorted image of myself. Even now I feel really big though in comparison I look like half myself.

I was also amazed at how much smaller I look from September, just 13 lbs ago. It's definitely the Book of Muscle workouts that are helping to shape my body so well. I've dropped a whole clothing size since September, from an 18 to a 16.

I know I still have a ways to go but I really believe I can get there. It might take me most of the year but I have faith.

Till tomorrow...

Biggest Loser

Biggest loser is coming back on January 6th already. I guess it's super popular, I'm not complaining, I love it. I look forward to this season too because there will be a woman that weighs what I use to. It will be great seeing her transform herself. Lots of folks on there this time that are bigger than some in the past. I know when I first started watching it I felt like they never had really large ladies on there. It seems now they can get the women to lose as much as the men.

Hubby and I went to the gym tonight and they are having a biggest loser too. I asked hubby if he wanted to join. He was a bit hesitant but I think we are going to do it. I'm not totally sure what it will consist of but there will be teams, trainers, a dietitian, group workouts, etc. It's 8 weeks long and only $49 a person. I'm excited about the idea of it. I think it will definitely push me to have some real competition. They said there will be prizes too. Should be a lot of fun plus maybe I will finally meet some people like me at the gym. I have a feeling it will be the larger people joining.

Tomorrow I'm going to my girlfriend's house. I'm looking forward to seeing her and the family. I need to call her tonight to find out what the kids would like. Me and my procrastination, I haven't yet shopped for her and her family lol. Guess I'll be going out in the morning to do it. It's a 3 hour drive to her house so I'll have to get my butt up early.

Work totally stank today. My model wouldn't work right so I was struggling. The boss will be back on Monday and I won't have anything to show him, sigh. Oh well that's life I guess. I did try to get it done.

I'm really undecided about starting something new next week. I'm feeling like what I'm doing is working I just have to commit to eating cleaner. So for now I think I'm just going to stick with what I'm doing. A part of me always wants to try the get thin quick thing and of course it never works out the way they say. I sure don't want to lose any of my lean muscle I've held onto all this time either. Plus if I'm doing the biggest loser thing at the gym I don't need something else on top of that.

I did my arm workout tonight, it was a killer. I did 3 circuits of 16 exercises, ekkkkk. My arms feel like they are about ready to fall off lol. It's almost hurting to type lol. It took me a hour and a half to get through all 3 circuits. I won't be going back to the gym till Monday.

Well I'm just rambling lol.

Till Monday...

No pictures yet but lots of memories

Well I didn't get any pictures taken last night. After work I was just worn out and I looked pretty messy lol. I'm thinking I might have to wait till next week sometime since I'll be gone over the weekend to my girlfriend's house.

Last night I got out my old album that I made up when I was a teenager. It had all my childhood friends and family that has since passed away and pictures of me when I was a child. I was looking through them all and thinking though I was in the 200's through my younger years it was really in my teen years that affected me the most when I got into the mid 300's. I think that's why I feel ok at the weight I am now. It feels ok to me here. That doesn't mean I'm quitting getting to my goal but for me it means mentally I'm loving myself and excepting myself. I think the loving myself part is what will help me continue on to my goal. I've really not loved myself ever.

There were also a few pictures of me when I had gotten down to this weight at about age 23-25. I really looked pretty thin I think. Of course when I look in the mirror at myself now (with clothes) I feel pretty thin too. I keep thinking that probably sounds bizarre to someone that has weighed 120 their whole life but to me it's the truth. Sometimes I wish every person could walk in a fat body for a day just so they could see what it feels like. It really does change a person's perspective.

Anyway, it was nice going down memory lane and showing and telling the kids about people they never got to meet. I feel sad that some of the people that meant the most to me in my life are gone now. That my kids never got to meet them. The person that comes to mind most is my aunt Doris (my mom's sister). I can say she is the reason I've always loved my nieces and nephews so much and always wanted them to think of me as someone special.

When I was growing up in a house of 2 alcoholic parents going to my aunt's house in the country (where I live now) was the best treat ever. I would get to spend summers with her, my uncle and my cousin. My cousin was adopted at birth when my aunt was 30 yrs old because my aunt couldn't have children. My cousin was the same age as me. My aunt would make us matching outfits all the time and I felt like I got special treatment and got to come visit the most. They took me on all kinds of trips through the years too, Disney World, Georgia, Grand old Opera, Ocean City, etc. It was so great.

She did so many day to day things with us too. I can remember going swimming and to the park, out on the water and all over the place. I also remember everyday going out to my uncle's huge garden and picking veggies for dinner. It always seemed my aunt was on a diet (she weighed 300+ most of her life) so we would try to eat healthy at her house. She made all kinds of stuff and she always made you try everything. I also remember my uncle would sneak my cousin and I off to baskin Robbins for a dip of ice cream some nights after dinner lol. Going to visit them was like having a real family not my screwed up family at home.

When I was 8 though my mom and aunt had a fight and they stopped talking. My aunt got Cancer (which she eventually beat) shortly after that and she ended up getting divorced from my uncle. I missed her so much during those years. When I was about 13 I remember her and my cousin coming to visit. My mom and aunt started talking again but things had changed and I really didn't know my cousin anymore so I didn't get to visit in the summers anymore. I saw my aunt about once or twice a year after that.

When I was 18 my aunt invited me down to visit and she introduced me to my first husband. At age 21 I moved down to where she lived just a 1/2 mile down the road from her. We got to start a new friendship with each other which was wonderful. My cousin and her didn't get along the best anymore so often my aunt spent holidays with me. We had card night once a week and often they would end up food fests.

My aunt had diabetes by then but she still loved the food and we were often food eating partners. Eventually her kidneys started to fail and soon she was on dialysis. As time went on she couldn't walk well and we often went out together with me pushing her in a wheelchair. Sometimes I look back and wonder why I was such an enabler. It was because I adored her so much and food made her so happy, made us both so happy. Eventually her eye sight started going. We had to stop our weekly card games, she lost her favorite pastime of reading and watching TV too.

Several years went by. I still visited her weekly and did what I could for her. Soon she had a nurse coming to the house a few days a week to help with her care. To think through all this we were still eating partners. It seemed her life still was so much about food. She did eat much better but there were still nights she would call me at 9-10pm and beg me to go to the store for our favorite pastry and some milk. I loved her and always wanted to please her so I usually would go. We would sit and talk for hours while eating.

One day she confessed to me that the Cancer had returned. She also told me she thought it was throughout her body and she didn't plan on fighting it. She said she was tired of being alone and tired of her struggles with her health. Soon she was in the hospital, then in a nursing home. I would visit her everyday, I would try to get her to eat. I would sit and feed her an ensure through a straw every night. After about a month the decision was made to stop dialysis. She lived 9 more days. I was there when she took her last breath of life. She was only 58 yrs old.

I would like to think I'm a lot like my aunt in a lot of ways. I work hard, I love my family and I try hard to be a good person. The lesson I also have learned from her is my health should be high on the list if not at the top. When I became pre-diabetic a few years ago it scared me, when I turned 40 and still weighed 350+ lbs it scared me. I'd like to think part of me is doing this for my aunt. A person that I truly adored and loved. A person that showed me so much kindness and love. Aunt Doris I know you're looking down and I hope you're proud of me. I miss you.

Till tomorrow...

A New Year, a new me

I've been sooo wonderful reading every one's new year blog posts. I especially have loved the ones with before and after pics or ones where people are wearing their old clothes. So last night I went in my closet and I got out my wedding dress (my last "big girl" clothing item I have) and put it on. I came out holding the dress spread wide like a tent and showed hubby and he was like "your ass wasn't that big, that dress must have been big on you then" lol). I laughed and said nope it fit me and I went to get our wedding pictures to show him. I told him I want him to take some new pictures of me and I'm going to try to post something similar to others to show my progress.

Like hubby said we really don't realize the weight loss day to day but pictures don't lie. I think I really need to start taking more progress pictures. I have a few but it would have been nice to have a steady progression of them all along. Anyway, today I'm reflecting and thinking about where I use to be and where I am now. Sometimes I still can't believe I'm here. My words of advice for everyone today is go take a few pictures of yourself and keep doing it every month. When you're thin and trim you sure won't regret doing it.

My New Year's was pretty uneventful. In the past I would go to the grocery and buy a TON of junk stuff and eat and eat till I fell asleep in a sugar comma. This year though I just made some decaf tea and sat with the kids and waited for the ball to drop. It felt good knowing I had a good year behind me and an even better year ahead.

This morning Hubby and I got up and went to the gym. It opened at 9am today and we were actually the first people there. It felt weird being in an empty gym but before we knew it there were about 10 of us working out on New Year's day. All different types doing their own thing. Sometimes I wish I could get to know each person I see at the gym so I would know their story of how they got there. I'm sure there are plenty of amazing ones. Whenever I see a large woman go into the woman's room I always wish I could go in there to chat with her and make her feel at ease. Maybe one of these days I will.

I'm at work now. I'm giving myself 10 more minutes (which has turned into 60 lol) before getting my butt to work. I plan on working tomorrow too which totally stinks since today and tomorrow were suppose to be days off, but such is life.

Wednesday I have therapy. I haven't seen him in a month (my usual time frame of a monthly tune-up). I feel like I have soooo much to tell him this time. My therapist plans on retiring in March, he's told me that before and then changed his mind so I'm hopeful he will again. I just think he enjoys his work and I'm sure just sitting around his house on the water day to day with nothing to do wouldn't suit him. When I go for therapy I get to look out over the Potomac River while I'm there, sometimes I wish I lived on the water. Ok I'm getting off track as usual lol.

Last night I read some people's blogs to hubby, some of the ones that really touched me, that made me cry and some that made me laugh too. We talked about Losing Waist (why don't I know your name?) and her desk troubles, he was outraged right along with me. I read him Lyn's tribute to her dad, I showed him Anti-Jared's pictures and Zuesmeatballs pictures and some others. I played my Oprah segment I've saved on my PVR forever of Lynn's story and told him about her amazing ability to write such touching stuff too. I went on and on about all my amazing new friends (Karyn (my first comment ever, thanks), Skye (my second comment *smile*), Faith (my third comment *grin*)(ok I'll stop lol), Jeanette, Mizfit, Sherre, Annette, Lainey, Natalia, lady downsize , Pam, Katschi, stages of change, last journey down and many more), I've made here and just people I've peeked in the window and read quietly. I think he wanted into my little weight loss blog world, I could tell lol. Then I read to him some of my posts since he's been telling me I should write a book about my crazy life and family for years. But I told him I just couldn't write like some of these people on here. That some people just brought out such emotions in everyone that read their words.

This is truly an amazing find for me. I think it's something that will go along with me for years to come if not forever. My own little world of weight loss friends that will struggle right along with me day to day. An amazing group of people that have touched me in a way I can't even explain.

My computer has always been a life line to me. I've been on here 15+ years now and I really do believe God has sent me people that would help me along the way. He sent me hubby when I didn't think there was a man out there that would truly ever love me for me. He sent me my ediets ladies that though I don't talk about here much have been a big part of my life for the past 7 yrs now. They have seen me go up and down on the scale and rooted me on no matter how I was doing. Anyway, I'm grateful for every single person and to reflect back on those people makes my heart fill with love.

I will be back with pictures later.

Till then...